libbycataldi, Author at Stay Close Blog

Jul 18, 2012

EXPECTATIONS AS RESENTMENTS

by libbycataldi under Dialogue, Forgiveness, Resentments

We can put our loved ones on the carousel, but we can’t expect them to be happy.

A mom wrote to me, Three years ago, when my nightmare began with my daughter’s addiction to heroin, my days were filled with dread and desperation. Looking back, my addict was only half of that chaos. The other half was created by me. I didn’t expect to have a good day, nor did I even think I deserved it. I felt everything was my fault because I was responsible for everything and everyone.

I am now learning to allow others the dignity to make their own decisions and reap the rewards of their actions or suffer the consequences. I am not responsible for everyone, all the time. My experience tells me that when I set expectations for others, I am frequently disappointed. In All My Affairs, I limit the expectations I have of others.

My reaction: The Big Book states, “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” Jeff’s addiction taught me that I couldn’t control his actions, even though I often wanted want to. I can plan, hope and pray that something occurs, but I have no power over anyone else. A hard lesson to learn and a harder one to accept. But my serenity is based on me letting go of expectations.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today I will let go of my expectations for others. I admit my shortcoming in wanting to control people around me, but I must acknowledge that I can’t. I will give others the dignity of making their own decisions, and I will find my serenity in making good choices for myself.

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Jul 11, 2012

FATHERS AND DAUGHTERS

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, family, Hope, meditation, Stay Close

From left to right: Son Jeff, Aunt Darlene, Uncle/Brother JF, Grandmom/Mom Laura, Nephew Bob, Niece Rebecca, Son Jeremy

My brother wrote this and it touched me. Following is an excerpt: “Hi, Dad. I have another question for you, but you should be honored because you’re the first person I think of to ask any tricky question….”

My daughter. Another in a long line of e-mail questions from my accomplished, 27-year-old daughter, Rebecca, who, despite her youth, has traveled the world. She now works for an organization that occasionally sends her to central Pakistan to work with Muslim female schools (madrasas) to try to show them how many Islamic views are similar to Christian ones, to effect a dialogue. I told her, “Beck, I know you get excited about this, but it’s pretty tough on the Old Man until you get back.” She said, “Dad, don’t you understand? It’s the confidence that you’ve always showed in me that gives me the courage to do all this stuff.”

Confidence…courage…to go into hostile areas…I gave her that? I raised her with two principles: that I loved her completely, and that would never, and could never, change. (Which doesn’t mean that I didn’t discipline her a ton of times growing up. I did. All kids need that. Doesn’t affect the love.) The other principle was that she had to be a good person. She had to do the right thing.

As for me, I don’t much care when I die, (but) I want to have time to say goodbye to my loved ones. I want enough time for Beck to get to me from whatever far-flung outpost she happens to be. I want to tell her I love her one more time. Maybe she’ll ask me a question. After all, I’m her Dad.

(To read the original: http://www.post-gazette.com/stories/opinion/perspectives/first-person-fathers-and-daughters-329029/)

Today’s Promise to consider: Parents and our children: Fathers and daughters, mothers and sons. I love my sons, and that can never and will never change. I know they are good persons and I pray they always do the right thing. After all, I’m their mom.

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Jul 4, 2012

EVERYDAY GRATEFUL

by libbycataldi under family, Forgiveness, Hope, Jeremy

Granddaughter Iysa and Papa/Son Jeremy

A grandmother wrote to me, On especially hectic mornings, when I’m trying to get out of the house and my grandbabies to daycare, I think God stops me and slows me down so that I take the time to watch my grandson run to the front door and tell me, “I really run fast,” and let my granddaughter “do it myself” as she puts on her jacket. Even if it takes an extra five minutes, she is so proud to say, “I did it.”

I look back and wonder did I take this time with my own children or was I so busy with work, cleaning house, homework, what have you. Knowing now what I know about addiction and serenity (thanks to Al-Anon), I take the time to enjoy my grandchildren each and every day, especially during the crazy hectic times.

My thoughts: Each day is precious, but often life’s pressures pound away at the present, and I think, “I’ll hug him later,” or “I’ll talk with her tomorrow.” There are memories that are forever stamped into my heart of Jeff running around in his Superman cape or Jeremy covered with mud carrying his treasures of frog eggs and salamanders found in the stream. My sons are now men and I can’t change the past, but I can hold onto my memories and make new ones.

Today’s Promise to consider: I’m not the perfect Mom or Nonna, but maybe there is no such thing as perfect. I can only be the best I can be. I’ll forgive myself for the times I wasn’t there, and today I will be there for my children and grandchildren. I will cherish every moment.

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Jun 28, 2012

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE USING STOPS: PART 3

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family

Dr. MacAfee says, “The substance, the use and the search become the master of the addict’s life and everything they know and do revolves around using. We can get the addict to put down the drugs – look at all the thirty-day treatment programs – but to learn to live life, now that’s the healing.

“We need to see and understand how deeply robbed and impoverished the addict is from the addiction. When the addict quits using, he must face what’s in front of him, but also what’s behind him. Drinking stops, reality comes forward and even simple things become monumental.. Anyone who returns from addiction is a remarkable success. The failure isn’t in relapse. The failure is not trying again.

My thoughts: Jeff spoke to a group of newly sober high-schoolers enrolled in a safe school in Oklahoma. One of the young men, a skateboarder, told Jeff, “So many things that I did were about using, even the music I listened to while I skateboarded. I don’t even know what kind of music I like anymore.” Jeff responded, “When I got clean, I didn’t even know what color I liked or what to do on a Saturday night. I didn’t know what normal people did. Learning how to live a sober life is not easy.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Dr. Stephanie Brown, a drug addiction therapist and founder of The Addictions Institute, says that the crisis is in recovery. Living life on life’s terms is hard for all of us, and for the addict it must seem insurmountable. I will stay close and show compassion and respect for my loved one’s journey into sobriety.

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Jun 21, 2012

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE USING STOPS: PART 2

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, Dialogue, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, Hope, meditation

Uncle Jeff and niece Iysa

A mom asks Dr. MacAfee: I understand what you write, “Recovery is always an individual endeavor and also requires a supportive community.” I also know how hard it has been to love my son unconditionally through all the rehabs, failed attempts, restarts, continued use and damage to relationships. My husband and I are trying hard to support his current attempt at recovery. I know the road is very difficult for the addict and my heart breaks for my son, but I also have a broken heart for the rest of us. So much healing is needed. How does healing happen?

Dr. MacAfee responds: We all want healing to be an end game, but it doesn’t happen that way. Healing comes a layer at a time. For some, healing is totally dependent on the sobriety of the addict and this highlights the difference between helping and enabling.

To the mom above, you might say to your child, “I have discovered that there is only room for one of us in your addiction. I have decided to leave you in charge of the consequences of your addiction. Ironically, I find this decision both terrifying and liberating, but also healing. I want you to be whole again and I fear all our help has stood in your way. It’s hard for me to face my getting out of your way, but I realize that it is healing for you, too.”

Today’s Promise to consider: I will stay close, love my child and not abandon him, but I will get out of the way of the chaos of his addiction. My peace will come from knowing that I’ve done everything I could have done. I will endure and pray.

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Jun 13, 2012

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE USING STOPS: PART 1

by libbycataldi under Abstinence, Acceptance, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Recovery

Dr. Patrick MacAfee

Dr. MacAfee says: We know a lot about addiction, but I’m very interested in what it means to live in sobriety. In other words, what is the impact of abstinence? Most people tell me they want sobriety because, “I don’t like who I’ve become.” This statement is a great motivator for change. Recovery is always an individual endeavor and also requires a supportive community.

My reaction: I never thought about the impact of abstinence. When Jeff completed his first recovery program, he emerged drug free, but his life was still framed around old ways of living. Just because he spent thirty days in treatment didn’t mean that the world he used to know suddenly changed to support his recovery. In fact, just the opposite was true. There was lots of work that needed to happen for him to reintegrate into life in a healthy way. It was all new to Jeff and new to our family. This was a delicate place.

Today’s Promise to consider: When using stops – whether overeating, smoking, drinking or using drugs – fear of picking-up again is common and living can be painful. I know that I can’t control my loved one’s behavior, but I also know that he will need a strong support system. I will be compassionate and supportive as he learns to live in abstinence.

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Jun 6, 2012

ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

by libbycataldi under Communication, family, meditation

Author Stephen King writes, “There’s a phrase, “the elephant in the living room,” which purports to describe what it’s like to live with a drug addict, an alcoholic, an abuser. People outside such relationships will sometimes ask, “How could you let such a business go on for so many years? Didn’t you see the elephant in the living room?” And it’s so hard for anyone living in a more normal situation to understand the answer that comes closest to the truth, “I’m sorry, but it was there when I moved in. I didn’t know it was an elephant; I thought it was part of the furniture.” There comes an aha-moment for some folks – the lucky ones – when they suddenly recognize the difference.”

My reaction: Stephen King took his first drink in 1966, age 18, and never stopped. He writes, “Alcoholics build defenses like Dutch build dikes.” And I did the same with my family. I built defenses, isolated myself and denied that addiction was the elephant in the room.

Today’s Promise to consider: I’ll face my fears today. I’ll force myself out of delusion, out of illusion and out of pretending that the problem doesn’t exist. I won’t allow my fear to lock me in place. I will trust God. I will act.

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May 30, 2012

VOICES OF FRIENDS: PART 3

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, Dialogue, family, Hope

Click on image to view video

Cathy Hull from Treatmenttalk.org shared a link COLLISION COURSE: TEEN ADDICTION EPIDEMIC. This video has been nominated for an Emmy Award and posts, “Teen substance abuse is one of America’s top public health problems and can devastate our youth and their families.”

My thoughts: This video signifies the growing awareness of substance abuse and calls for a change in education and public policy to recognize the truth of the escalating problem of drug addiction, especially among teens. Although the film is 26-minutes long and many of you won’t have the time to view it in its entirety (or at all), we celebrate the hope for teens to live a life with addiction.

Today’s Promise to consider: As Dr. MacAfee says, “We need to take addiction out of the shadows and into the light where it can be healed.” This documentary and other efforts are doing just that. Let’s keep this light alive.

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May 24, 2012

VOICES OF FRIENDS: PART 2

by libbycataldi under family, Hope, Recovery, Stay Close

Beth and Kenny

A mom wrote to me: My son has 14 months drug free and I am so proud of the strength and courage he has demonstrated in changing his life and managing his disease. I’ve shared my heartache with you before, and I knew you would share in my happiness.

A couple of weeks ago, I awoke to find the following text message from him. I asked his permission to share it with you. He agreed knowing it can offer hope to other parents.

U had the biggest part in getting me sober. I’m so sorry for the years of pain I caused u. to some extent it was the disease but it was me for the most part. I’m in such a good place in my sobriety. I finally have some direction in life and it feels good. Rehab was the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do but it was the best thing I ever did. there’s no way to change the past but the future looks bright. I love u so much. Ur my favorite person and my biggest fan.

My reaction: These are the messages that keep parents staying close. We hold hope that one day our children will find their way to sobriety. We remain humble, knowing it’s one day at a time, but for today, in these moments, we are grateful.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I will be my child’s biggest fan. I will celebrate his good qualities and achievements, and let her know how much she is loved.

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May 17, 2012

VOICES OF FRIENDS: Part I

by libbycataldi under Hope, Jeff, Recovery, Stay Close

Jeff and his friend Reneé

A recovering addict wrote to me: In reading the responses of the parents of addicts on your blog, I am truly moved by the love, acceptance and understanding that you have. I was not fortunate enough to have parents that were understanding or willing to stand by me through the depths of my addiction and the struggle that I underwent to find my way alone was almost insurmountable. As a friend of Jeff’s, it makes me very happy to see that he, as well as others of your respective children, have had that support. Don’t ever give up, you have no idea how much we really do need you.

My response: I feel humbled when I read this young woman’s words: Don’t ever give up, you have no idea how much we really do need you. When Jeff was in active addiction, there were many times I wanted to walk away because I was filled with anger, hurt and deep grief. I’m grateful that I learned the concept Stay Close.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will stay close to my loved ones. I know that I can’t ‘fix’ them or change the situations in their lives, but I can stand by them with my emotional support and assure them that I will never quit believing.

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