VULNERABILITY

Uncle Jeff and niece Iysa

Uncle Jeff and niece Iysa

Jeff wrote to me, Read a great passage about vulnerability and the value in allowing ourselves to expose hurts and fears in the right settings. It basically says that by admitting our insecurities, we create a platform for others to be more honest and open in the conversation. If we can find the courage to be vulnerable, it often awakens deeper intimacy in our relationships.

My reflection: I spent a great deal of my life afraid of being vulnerable. I wanted to act as though I had the answers and no one could hurt me. Then life jumped off the rails. Addiction came into our home and dismantled our family from the inside out. In the end, I was forced to admit my powerlessness, and that’s when I started to heal. It took great courage for our family to share our story, but by our allowing others to see our vulnerability, we hope to provide a safe platform to discuss the pain of addiction.

Today’s Promise to consider: Being vulnerable is uncomfortable for me. I’d rather appear strong and fearless, but I’m only human. Today, I’ll admit my insecurities, talk openly in trusted situations and, by doing so, hope to awaken compassion and healing in my relationships.

A FUTURE BECAUSE OF MY PAST

Son Jeremy and his daughter Iysa

Son Jeremy and his daughter Iysa

A recovering addict wrote to me and he signed his name with this postscript: a survivor with a future because of my past.

My reflection: These words reminded me that addiction is a great teacher. Just as cancer taught me to appreciate every day, addiction taught me to stay close and believe in a future for my family. The most important lessons in my life didn’t come from my degrees, but they came from the challenges and heartbreak of my past.

Today’s Promise to consider: If we choose to learn from our history, we can be wise. The footsteps that are behind us can’t be erased, but we can create new footsteps – the ones we’ll take today and tomorrow.

WHAT WILL BE YOUR MESSAGE TO THE WORLD?

Granddaughter Iysa

Granddaughter Iysa

Jimmy Demers, friend and superb vocalist, inspires the world through music. I listened to this song as I drove through the deserts of California and Arizona last month. The landscape was majestically powerful and so is this track.

My reflection: As I played this song repeatedly, I found myself wondering, what will be my message to the world? What message will my sons, Jeff and Jeremy, leave? We all have a story. The human experience teaches us so much. Is it not our responsibility to share that learning and to leave a message?

Today’s Promise to consider: This song beckoned me to reflect on how I’m living day-to-day and what message I hope to leave when I pass. My answer is clear: Stay Close. Life is difficult and suffering is unavoidable, but the human spirit is strong. I’ll never quit believing in truth, in beauty and in my sons. Addiction tried to rob our family of us, but it didn’t succeed. We learned and grew from the trauma.

 

Message to the World, written by Terry Coffey and Donnie Demers, sung by Jimmy Demers https://soundcloud.com/musical_wheels/message-to-the-world

 

 

 

LETTING GO AND STAYING CLOSE

Nonna Libby and granddaughter Iysa

Nonna Libby and granddaughter Iysa

I don’t know the author, but these words were true for us: To “let go” does not mean to stop caring; it means I can’t do it for someone else. To “let go” is not to cut myself off, but it’s the realization that I can’t control another. To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. To “let go” is not to fix, but to be supportive. To “let go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. To ”let go” is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies. To “let go” is not to deny, but to accept. To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them. To ”let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it. To “let go” is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future. To “let go” is to fear less and to love more.

My reflection: At Al-Anon meetings, I often heard the words “let go” and “detach with love.” These words were confusing for me because I didn’t understand how to love my son, but also detach. When the recovering alcoholic at San Patrignano told me to, “Stay Close, but don’t give him money,” this idea clicked. I understood how to stay close and let go at the same time.

Today’s Promise to consider: Letting go doesn’t mean abandoning my loved one. Letting go means giving him the dignity of making his own choices and dealing with the consequences they bring – good and bad. Letting go means staying close, but out of the chaos of his addiction. I’ll do this, one day at a time.

 

AN EMBRYO AND AN ADDICT 

941292_10151747144872869_1497866766_nThink how it is to have a conversation with an embryo.

You might say, “The world outside is vast and intricate.

There are oceans and mountain passes,

and orchards in bloom.

At night there are millions of galaxies, and in sunlight

the mystery of friendship and love.”

The embryo will answer.

There is no ‘other world.’

I only know what I’ve experienced.

You must be hallucinating.

 

Imagine now a conversation with an active addict.

You can describe the world of reclaimed life

And the grace of spiritual principles.

And the prospect might say:

There is no ‘other world.’

I only know what I’ve experienced.

You must be hallucinating.

Written by Ermanno Di Febo-Orsini (Inspired by Rumi’s Embryo in the Womb)

Today’s Promise to consider: The addict is consumed inside his own life, obsessed with his own desires and gripped with his need for the next fix. It is nearly impossible for him to recognize that there is a better life on the other side of his misery. Our prayer is that he can stop using, connect with a recovering community and make the decision to live.

OPENING THE DOORS OF HELL

SC - 5-2A recovering addict wrote to me, No one could guarantee or promise when I decided to lead a sober life the doors of heaven would open up and let me in, but a sacred Truth held in trust promised something even greater, that the doors of hell would open up and let me out. I live by and give deep thanks for that great promise, and thankfully, by the Grace of God, I am able to live a sober life.

My reflection: When addiction takes our loved ones by the throat, they live their hell. Despite what it looks like from the outside, evil and ugliness have taken hold. When Jeff was sick and at his lowest, he chose to change his life. That was when the doors of hell opened.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addicts live a tortured life, but only they can make the decision to change. Once they do, grace is given space to work and they often re-enter the world with a passion to serve. It’s a true miracle and a gift of life.

COMING HOME

Jeff and niece Iysa

Jeff and niece Iysa

A mom wrote to me, My son is coming home from treatment next week and I am excited to see him and at the same time afraid he will relapse. He knows what we are asking of him, but I remember when he was living at home we had many arguments because he was using and did not listen to us. Now that he is coming home, what should I do if he goes back to using and doesn’t listen to us again?

My reflection: I asked Dr. MacAfee for his advice, and he explained that, before the son left treatment, it was important for him to have a plan for continuing care and a list of people to call for help and support. For the family, boundaries were critical to put into place, i.e. what would they do if he were to relapse. The son needed to tell his parents how he would like them to help him accomplish his plan for sobriety along with him, not for him.

Today’s Promise to consider: When Jeff completed treatment and came home again, I felt great joy and hope But I was also afraid. Would he use again? Would he come home and respect the boundaries we had in place? These were normal fears. Al-Anon and other family support programs helped me. So did prayer.

GET OFF THE NAIL

10372253_10152847252887640_5401372042641420094_nA friend once told me a story, In the jungle, a lion was howling into the darkness. A mouse walked by and asked what was wrong. The lion said, “I’ve been sitting on a nail and it’s painful.” The mouse replied, “Get up. Get up and off the nail.” The lion sat frozen with fear and said, “I can’t. It will hurt too much.”

My reflection, My friend told me this story when Jeff was in active addiction and I was paralyzed with fear and pain. I didn’t know what to do, how to move or what to tell people – including Jeff – so I did nothing. I remained stuck on the nail of addiction and cried.

Today’s Promise to consider: Life is full of problems and we feel pain about addiction, finances, relationships, careers and countless other things. Sitting on the nail of the problem and howling into the universe doesn’t help. Today I need to find the courage to lift myself off the nail. I’ll take a deep breath, pray and face my problem.

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