Dr. Patrick MacAfee Archives - Page 5 of 7

May 22, 2014

THE TERROR OF ADDICTION

by libbycataldi under Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family

Dr. MacAfee told me, In the world of addiction, losing a child is the terror that threatens parents. When death happens, there is never closure. In time, a parent can not think about it, but it’s always there. A mother once told me, “I sleep now because the worse that could happen has happened.” Parents try to live with the pain and go on, but the pain is never alleviated. It never goes away.

My reflection: The above conversation happened because I asked Dr. MacAfee to explain the idea of, “A time to mourn and a time to dance.” I wanted to understand the shift from grief to acceptance, and eventual contentment. As we talked, I realized that even today, after seven years of Jeff living a sober life, I can still feel the knife that cuts through my body when I remember his active addiction years. What must a parent feel who loses a child? The pain is unimaginable.

Today’s Promise to consider: Grief does get better, lighter. In time and with spirituality, the grief subsides. Today, I acknowledge that addiction reigns terror and destruction. If the worst happens to me and my family, I must put one foot in front of the other. I must go on.

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Feb 27, 2014

ROOM FOR ONE

by libbycataldi under Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Hope, Recovery, Stay Close

A mom wrote to me, My son has not changed, but I have.

My reflection: This one sentence, embedded in a much longer email, resonated deeply with me. Why? Because change is a choice. With addiction, as with much of life, we often wait for the other person or for circumstances to become better before we do something positive for ourselves. It took fourteen years for Jeff to decide to change his life while I lost many years chasing him around, trying to force him into sobriety. In the end, I learned that only he could make the decision for himself. Similarly, I learned that only I could make the decision for myself.

Today’s Promise to consider: Dr. MacAfee says there is room for only one person in addiction: the addict. We, who love the addict, often put our lives on hold waiting for him or her to change. After fourteen years, I finally learned that I had to take control of my life and change the only person I could: me.

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Feb 13, 2014

ON A PARENT’S PAIN

by libbycataldi under Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Faith, family, Hope, Stay Close

Dr. MacAfee talks about a parent’s pain when confronting addiction: Parents are often as trapped inside the addiction as are their children. They ask me, “Where is my son? Where is my daughter?” They know their child is under the drugs, but the child is lost to them.

You can hear the pain in these parents’ words:

I’m trying to remember who we were before this thing called addiction pushed in our door, flooded our house and left us homeless.

Addiction took our beloved son making him only a ghost of who he was. We could see his changes, but not our own. My anger turned to hatred and the shame of this kept me silent.

My reflection: I was like these parents, living in confusion, trying to find a way out of addiction’s grasp and not knowing where to turn. Just as addiction had Jeff by the throat, it had me. I knew Jeff was under the drugs, but I didn’t know how to free him.

Today’s Promise to consider: Only we, as parents, can free ourselves from the claws of addiction. Today, I’ll reach out for help, go to an Al-Anon meeting or talk with someone who understands. I’ll pray and trust that in time this soul-crushing heaviness will be relieved. I will take addiction out of the shadows and into the light.

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Jan 30, 2014

FROM TRAPPED TO LIBERATED

by libbycataldi under Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Faith, family, Gratitude, Hope, Relapse

Dr. MacAfee on the addict’s liberation, “Drug use traps the addict in a place of hopelessness. But when the lie of maintaining the addiction becomes more painful than the using, the addict faces himself and his use. It is this inescapable accountability that is both powerful and hopeful when he comes face-to-face with his reality. This incomprehensible demoralization is the dark before the dawn, the place where the addict chooses between life and death – the place where he can liberate himself.”

My reflection: When Dr. MacAfee and I discussed this topic, it was difficult for me because I relived our own family’s history of trauma, that time when Jeff was so sick he had to choose whether he would live or die. As his mother, I was powerless. I could do nothing. What a painful place to be! In the end, I surrendered, stayed close and prayed that Jeff would live. And I’m forever grateful that he did.

Today’s Promise to consider: Liberation for the addict comes when he says to himself, “I’m trapped and I’m never going to be able to use without dire consequences. I loathe what addiction has done to my life. I have no choice but to change.” Only the addict can free himself. I’ll pray.

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Jan 23, 2014

TRAPPED

by libbycataldi under Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, Recovery

Dr. MacAfee on the pain of addiction: “Addiction is extraordinary psychic pain. The addict is trapped inside his use. Drugs were once the escape to all his problems until they become his prison. Addiction is like a bad love affair: A love gone sour. Once the addict sees the trap – the trap of ‘no hope without dope’ – he must literally fight for his life. There is hard-fought wisdom at the end of the battle.”

My reflection: I’m reminded of a conversation I had with Jeff. I told him, “You are wise, wiser than I am. Your addiction taught you so much. Thanks for teaching me.” His response, “That’s because I’ve come from a place you’ve never been – thankfully. My wisdom is born from a place of intense pain. It’s one of the silver linings of addiction.”

Today’s Promise to consider: The addict is trapped inside the prison of addiction. What was once a party becomes his personal hell. I have great respect for those who are able to fight this battle and find their recovery. Peace and wisdom are on the other side.

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Sep 5, 2013

THE STRUGGLE

by libbycataldi under Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Faith, Forgiveness, Recovery

Dr. MacAfee said, The struggle is part of the addict’s redemption. When the addict gets ‘sick and tired of being sick and tired,’ he realizes that he has pawned his life for the daily chase of dope or alcohol. In that moment of clarity, he acknowledges that life can be so much more, but he must be willing to change everything and fight for it. This can be an intense struggle, but the hard work allows him to redeem himself in order to fulfill life’s promise.

My reaction: We all fall down, some deeper than others. The path back to life, back to our hopes and dreams, is not easy. It is this time between the moment of clarity and the goal of living a renewed, fulfilled life that allows us precious time to learn critical lessons and grow in faith.

Today’s Promise: Today, I admit the mistakes I’ve made and I embrace the struggle before me. I won’t be discouraged by this realization, but I will accept the obstacles in my path. The addict has the opportunity to redeem himself in a life-affirming struggle. So do we all.

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Jul 4, 2013

ENABLING: PART 2

by libbycataldi under Dialogue, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Recovery, Stay Close

Dr. Patrick MacAfee, who for over forty years has worked with addiction, told me, Addicts in active addiction are self-centered and self-obsessed. Because of this, there is room for only one person in the addiction – the addict. In order to maintain his addiction, the addict manipulates, lies and connives. They have to. Parents love them and want to help, but they often unwittingly foster the addiction. It is critical for parents to get out of the way of the consequence of use. When they short-circuit the consequences, they contribute to the addiction. Think of it this way: USING = CONSEQUENCES.

My reaction: I lived in denial for a long time, living in the trap of manipulation that things would get better for Jeff as long as I could fix the problems caused by his addiction. With the help of professionals like Dr. MacAfee, education and Al-Anon meetings, I learned to remove myself from the stickiness of Jeff’s addiction. I had to learn how to stay close in love, but out of the chaos.

Today’s Promise to consider: As parents, we want to help our children by fixing their problems. Sometimes this works, but not with addiction. I will love my child unconditionally, but I cannot control his addiction. I will support his recovery while allowing him to face the consequences of his actions.

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May 29, 2013

MOTHER-TO-MOTHER: IMPORTANCE OF TRUTH

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, Recovery

A friend and I were talking, and she said: I knew things weren’t good when my son’s emails dropped off my radar. My older son was honest with me and told me that his brother had taken a bad turn. I’m grateful to know the truth because honesty is the key to our recovery: my son’s, my family’s and mine. Without honesty, fear rules the day and I don’t know how to move. With honesty, even when the situation is bad, I know we can push through each setback together.

My reaction: My friend’s words resonate with me, and I’ve lived the same experience. Dr. MacAfee says that addiction needs a lie to live: Addicts need to maintain the lie in order to maintain their addiction. The Big Book of AA says that living a sober life, “demands rigorous honesty.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Honesty is essential in all relationships. Without it, we tread in the perilous waters of fiction and denial. I don’t have to expose every fact of my life and my family’s problems, but I refuse to live a lie.

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May 15, 2013

THE HEALING GIFT: LISTENING

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, Hope, Jeff, Jeremy

Dr. MacAfee quoted Carl Rogers during a recent conversation: When a person realizes he has been deeply heard, his eyes moisten. I think in some real sense he is weeping for joy. It is as though he were saying, “Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it’s like to be me.” (From: Experiences in Communication, Carl Rogers)

My reaction to this quote: When Jeff was in active addiction, I wanted to talk, to share my wisdom because (obviously) I knew what he need to do to find his health. I prayed for the words that would change his life. How I wish I had that kind of wisdom or power. With both Jeff and Jeremy, the best gift I can give them is to be fully present and to listen, really listen, to their pain, their joy and their journey.

Today’s Promise to consider: I don’t have the answers to my sons’ problems, but I can offer them something better. I can listen, really listen, with my entire being. Today, I will stay quiet and be a witness to whatever they want to tell me.

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May 8, 2013

REGRET: THREE MOTHERS

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, Forgiveness

Following Dr. MacAfee’s entry on regrets last week, below are excerpts of three comments that highlight the remorse addiction causes in our lives.

One mom wrote: I had so many regrets: Regrets about how I raised my son, regrets about putting him on medication as a five-year old, regrets about putting him in learning-disability classes, regrets about how I punished him, regrets of saying no and letting him go when he was 26 years old. I regret being short with him the last time we talked on the phone before he overdosed and died (my biggest regret). I didn’t know it would be the last time I would speak to him. I don’t beat myself up over it anymore.

A second mom wrote: I was thinking how I’ve always regretted not putting my son on medication as I was told to when he was younger. I wished I had been stricter, said no more often.

A third mom summed it up: We all have regrets because we all wanted to do the right thing by our children.

Today’s promise to consider: Today, I’ll do what I think best for myself and my family, and I can only hope I get some of it right. I’ll learn from my mistakes, but I won’t persecute myself for what happened in the past and what I can’t change.

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