Gratitude Archives - Page 5 of 7

Dec 5, 2013

RELAPSE: WHAT’S A PARENT TO DO?

by libbycataldi under family, Gratitude, Recovery, Relapse

A mom wrote to me, My son relapsed, again. After eight months of sobriety, his love affair with drugs overpowered his strength to fight the urge to use again. After I received ‘the dreaded phone call’ that unfortunately we all know too well, I was strangely able to remain calm…that is only after I heard his voice and knew he was safe.

What is a mother to do? His father and I offered him a safe environment for the night and life resumed with the clear expectation that in the morning our son would return to work and come clean with his boss. All we could do was to tell him what we would offer him and allow him to make his choices.

There was no chaos, no yelling, no blaming or judging…no ‘drama’ this time around. In fact, my husband and I did not give our son the forum to disrupt our lives (or our other sons’ lives) as we have so often in the past. Addiction and relapse are not new to us, but this time what was new is that we did not give addiction the power to disarm us and our family.

My reflection: This mom’s response reminds me of something Dr. Kevin McCauley, Institute for Addiction Study, told me years ago, “Relapse is part of this disease and parents often respond to it with a kind of ‘I caught you’ mentality, a way of saying, ‘you messed up again, you loser.’” Instead, he encouraged me to remain calm, to give Jeff clear boundaries and to provide and options for recovery. The mom and dad above did just that. This inspires me.

Today’s Promise to consider: Relapse happens. If it does, I will respond with a calm attitude and provide clear boundaries for my addicted loved one. The fellowship of Al-Anon and my daily practice of the 12 Steps remind me that I can’t cure addiction, but I can stay close and try to keep myself and my family safe.

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Nov 28, 2013

STAYING IN GRATITUDE: PART 4

by libbycataldi under Communication, family, Gratitude, Jeff

A reflection from 35,000 feet, Jeff wrote: For me, gratitude is about dialing it back and viewing life from the cruising altitude of an airplane. When I zoom into the minutia of my life, it’s easy to become unhappy. I see problems and challenges: arguments with friends, traffic jams and parking tickets, business disagreements and other life problems. But when I zoom out and look at things from 35,000 feet, I can see so much more for which to be grateful: people in my life who love me, own a company that I care about, my basic needs met, the ability to travel and have great experiences. Life is good. For me, it’s about looking at life from a distance and realizing how blessed I am.

My reflection: Sometimes my problems seem huge and they tend to suffocate gratitude. But when I look at the total of my life, from above, it looks pretty good. Brother David Steindl-Rast, a Benedictine Monk, says, “Grateful living is the awareness that we stand on holy ground.”

Today’s Promise to consider: It’s easy to look at what I don’t have or to focus on what I wish was different, but today I’ll look at my life from an altitude of 35,000 feet and be thankful for my blessings. It can be hard to stay in gratitude, but being grateful makes me a better person.

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Nov 21, 2013

STAYING IN GRATITUDE: PART 3

by libbycataldi under Dialogue, Faith, Gratitude

Henri Nouwen, Dutch philosopher and theologist, wrote in Here and Now, Joy is not the same as happiness. We can be unhappy about many things, but joy can still be there. Joy does not simply happen to us – it is a choice. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day. Each day, whatever may have happened, is a day to be grateful for.

My reflection: Nouwen says that joy and unhappiness can coexist. I used to think that one excluded the other and sometimes, especially in moments of deep trauma like Jeff’s addiction, I was overwhelmed with such great unhappiness that I didn’t allow joy a space in my life. Nouwen goes on to say that joy is a choice that is ours to make, regardless of what is happening in our daily lives. Although we might be unhappy in the moment, it does not need to extinguish our joy.

Today’s Promise to consider: Bad things happen to good people. At times, I might feel deeply unhappy, but I refuse to allow it to eliminate my joy. Today, I choose to stay in gratitude. All I have is today and I choose not to waste it.

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Nov 14, 2013

STAYING IN GRATITUDE: PART 2

by libbycataldi under Communication, Gratitude, Hope, Recovery

A recovering addict wrote to me, I want to thank you. Your story inspired me to get to the point I am today. I read your book while being incarcerated and then passed it on to my mom. She read it and never lost hope in me, even though I am sure it was very hard at times, especially when I lost hope in myself. We now have the best relationship that we’ve ever had.

I didn’t truly know what it was like to be happy at the time, but now with just shy of a year clean I am truly happy. It’s amazing how much your life can change in just one year. I thank God for everyday I’m still alive.

My reflection: This young man is the hero. He fought for himself and his family. He is happy today, living a sober life and enjoying an honest relationship with himself and his mother. We celebrate his year of sobriety and we celebrate his today. We say thank you right back.

When my sons and I joined together to tell our story, publishing our fourteen-year tragedy was the last thing I expected to do. I wrote out of pain. But today is a new day and Jeff has been living a sober life for seven years. He is happy and our family is forever grateful that he came home to himself and to us.

Today’s Promise to consider: We will continue to reach out and help others. We won’t allow fear and shame to keep us silent or to suffocate our hope. Today, we choose to stay in gratitude.

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Nov 7, 2013

STAYING IN GRATITUDE: PART I

by libbycataldi under family, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Hope

Jeff and niece Iysa

A mother wrote, My son is in active addiction. Last year, one day before Thanksgiving, he called home asking if he could come the next day to our family dinner. I asked everyone, including his brothers, and we all agreed we wanted him here. He brought flowers: two for me, and two for each of his grammas. I am grateful that our family was able to see that even though my son was in the throes of addiction and all the ugliness that goes with it, our son and his heart were still there.

My reflection: This entry reminds me of the time when I had a bilateral mastectomy and Jeff, still in active addiction, wanted to help me. For as chaotic as his life was then, I decided to find something positive in that moment, the humanity still present inside this child of mine. I asked him to wash my hair in the kitchen sink because I couldn’t raise my arms above my head. He washed, dried and styled my hair. He asked me if he had done a good job. I wrote:

I could see in his face the concerted effort this task required of him, but he never gave up. My son, my chameleon son, this was the tender child I remembered, the kid I knew, and I wondered how could such kindness be contrasted with such self destruction; the polarity, the duplicity was undeniable. But I looked at my boy who was now a young man and I replied, with a smile, “Yes, Jeff, it’s perfect. Better than my hairdresser in fact.” He returned my smile, going along with this loving game, played with a hair dryer and a brush.

Today’s Promise to consider: Beauty is all around us, but we need to open our eyes and our hearts to see it. Within the beauty, there is hope. Today, I choose to stay in gratitude.

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Oct 24, 2013

ONE PARENT: ONE STORY, PART 4

by libbycataldi under Communication, Faith, family, Gratitude, Hope

Her son sent this photo during his morning shift at work

One Mother’s Story: An Angel in the Making

A treasured friend once said, “Addicts are angels in the making.” Six years ago I never would have believed that. Today I am watching a miracle unfold.

When my son was a senior in high school, I shrugged off his failing interest in class to senioritis. After all, he had been accepted into a major university honors program for that fall. So why worry?

Then one evening his favorite teacher phoned. My son’s friends were worried he was in the wrong crowd and smoking marijuana.

And so, the spiral began. An “innocent” experiment with marijuana erupted into a full blown addiction to prescription painkillers, heroin and other drugs. Freshman year he failed college and moved home. Working part-time and attending our local community college barely masked his growing sickness. Finally, faced with the choice of inpatient rehab or our turning him out on the streets, (where we got the courage to take that stand I’ll never know) he agreed to inpatient rehab.

Thirteen days into the program he was kicked out for using. Clearly, he wasn’t ready to stop. He agreed to another facility where he learned some coping skills. Next stop: a halfway house in Florida. It took another full year and a fresh, 105-day program before sobriety and recovery took hold.

As we know, addiction is a family disease. Once our son entered his first rehab program, a family therapist asked me, “Your son is getting treatment. What are you going to do for yourselves?” Al-Anon became our answer. I soon found a group with parents suffering the same anguish. My husband attended with me and we quickly became regulars.

Al Anon saved our lives – just as the 12-step program and his own spiritual awakening saved our son. Today, he’s been clean 21 months – a miracle considering where he was. Each day is cause for celebration. There are mornings I ooze gratitude. Our son is not just “clean.” He’s rebuilding his life. Active in his own home group, attending meetings regularly, he also sponsors others. He works two jobs and this semester is trying school again at a local community college.

But what’s best is having him back in our lives. We talk about addiction. We swap stories about our groups and our shared progress. He offers encouragement – to us!! And he offers to talk with anyone who is suffering.

Today, I am so grateful. And today is all we have.

Sometimes, when my son works the morning shift at his hotel, he texts me a picture of the sunrise over the ocean. I cry for the beauty he sees and for the man he is becoming. An angel in the making.

Today’s Promise to Consider: This is one mother’s story. We join together to share our experience, strength and hope. We bring addiction out of the darkness and share our truths.

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Oct 3, 2013

ONE PARENT: ONE STORY, Part I

by libbycataldi under Communication, family, Gratitude, Hope, Jeff, Jeremy, Uncategorized

*Part I of a series where, each week, one mother or father will share a personal story about addiction.

Sharing my thoughts: The Big Book of AA talks about sharing our “experience, strength and hope.” And that is what Jeff, Jeremy and I strive to do. Our family made many mistakes, but we believe that through the sharing of our experience, we all benefit. I have talked with enough parents and spouses of alcoholics and addicts to know that we can learn from each other. In our pain, we begin to understand; in our collective stories, we listen to find hope; in our love, we continue to believe.

My reflection: I remain humble in the face of addiction and always try to avoid giving advice. Addiction is confounding and I have only one story to tell – my own. But I also live every day in a space of gratitude that Jeff is good today. He is sober and living a productive life. It is through sharing our personal narratives that we learn.

Today’s Promise to Consider: I’m one mother with one story. I don’t have the answers to solving addiction, but I will tell my story of experience, strength and hope. I will share my truths.

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Aug 22, 2013

GRATITUDE: THE GIFT OF DESPERATION

by libbycataldi under Faith, Gratitude, Jeff, Recovery

Jeff and I were talking about gratitude and he said, Early in my recovery, I was grateful to have had “the gift of desperation” – a state of total surrender and willingness to change at any cost. It happens as a result of hitting rock bottom and realizing true defeat. Most addicts will agree that this is one of the most profound moments in the recovery process.

My reaction: I had never heard of the Gift of Desperation, but it makes sense to me that in the state of desperation we can be most willing to change. When my life was in good shape (or even in moderately good shape), I wasn’t motivated to do anything differently; however, when my life spun into total chaos – when I hit rock bottom and admitted true defeat – I became ready to do whatever was necessary to change my life.

Today’s Promise to consider: The gift of desperation is always waiting for me, but I don’t have to get to this place in order to do something healthy for myself. Today, I will examine my life in an objective way and, if I need to make changes, I will.

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Aug 15, 2013

GRATITUDE: THE GIFT OF SERVICE

by libbycataldi under family, Gratitude, Service

Jeff helping Jeremy, circa 1980

This weekend, a friend of mine and her son were asked to share their story at a Family Recovery Workshop, and they invited me to attend. I was humbled by the honesty and compassion in the room as they talked about their journey with addiction and recovery. Today the son is eighteen months sober and the mom is a grateful member of Al-Anon where she is finding her own recovery. For all the parents who attended this family session, the mom-and-son team approach recounted both sides of their journey and offered a true and victorious message of hope.

My reflection: There is a saying in AA, “In order to keep it, you have to give it away.” Families, like this mom and son, are fortunate to have achieved recovery and they maintain it by reaching out to those still suffering. This requires courage for both the recovering addict and the parent. There are many ways to help others (to give it away). The important part is that through sharing our strength and faith, we help others to feel less alone and to find hope.

Today’s Promise for today: I am grateful for all those who held out their hands to help Jeff, Jeremy and me. I am grateful for all those who have the courage to help a brother, sister, parent or friend. I am grateful for people like my friend and her son, who believe that service is an important part of life’s living.

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Aug 8, 2013

GRATITUDE: ONE DAY AT A TIME

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Gratitude, Recovery, Relapse

A mom wrote to me: My son’s bottom was getting shot in a drug deal. He still carries the bullet an inch from his spine, too risky to remove. He has ten months of sobriety and is now living in a sober house. It is all such a blur to me. But I’m grateful. He’s good – today.

My reflection: There is a saying that an addict has to hit his bottom before he finds sobriety. I’ve heard another saying from people in recovery, “Just when I hit my bottom, the bottom fell out.” I watched my son hit many bottoms and, each time, I ran in and helped. Jeff fell to bottoms that I never thought were possible, each of them critical in bringing him to a place where he chose sobriety.

Today’s Promise: If my loved one is good today, I am grateful. If he is not good today, I am grateful he is alive and will keep hopeful, praying that one day he might be healthy again. Whatever the circumstance, I will stay close, pray and believe. Recovery happens one day at a time.

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