NOT ALONE

Families in solidarity

A mother wrote to me: Two of my three children are addicted to drugs and my life has been inextricably altered. The relationship between mother and addicted child is unique, but I know that that does not diminish the experiences of other family members. Through group work, I talked with another mother who just found out that her child is addicted. She is panicked, confused, and said that she feels isolated, alone, shamed, scared and angry. I realized that I am not alone.

My thoughts on the above passage: There are four S’s used with addiction: shame, secrets, silence and stigma. We feel as though we are drowning in our own emotions and we don’t know what to do. I kept the secret of my son’s addiction because I felt shame. In silence, the addiction grew. But when I reached out my hand for help, I realized I was not alone.

Today’s Promise: I will join together and bring addiction out of the shadows so it can be healed. My loved one is fighting a powerful force and I will talk with other mothers and fathers and break the silence. In our pain, I will understand; in our stories, I will find hope; in our love, I will continue to believe.

 

TEMPERED HAPPINESS

A mother wrote to me: Our healing process is a journey, too. I recognize that even if my son never fully recovers or works his life well, I have mine and I don’t want to waste it being sad all the time. I had to find a way to go on in my life and relearn how to feel joy again. It is a tempered happiness. There is always a remembrance of loss that I feel deep down, but it does not consume me like it used to.

My response to the above passage: Through Jeff’s addiction, I, too, learned that my happiness could not be dependent of the state on his life. I’ve realized that happiness is a choice and that living in a space of gratitude makes life better. As the mother above, I will not allow loss to consume me.

Today’s promise to consider: I will find serenity within myself. My happiness cannot be contingent on someone else’s choices. Even if I love him or her with all my heart, I will accept what I am unable to change. As the AA slogan says, “Happiness is appreciating what you have, not getting what you want.”

 

 

 

HUMBLED BY ADDICTION

A mother wrote to me: My son is still doing well. He has been sober now for seventeen months and, as you know, it’s still one day at a time. I don’t think I will ever totally be free from this addiction thing. I have been so humbled by it.

My reaction to the above passage: The words, “I have been so humbled by it,” touched me deeply. I was once Head of School where the system was set-up so that I was in charge; I was a boss. In the face of addiction, I learned that I was in charge of nothing and didn’t even have the ability to save my own son. In the face of addiction, I learned to be grateful for the little things like surviving five minutes. In the face of addiction, I learned that humility is a good thing.

Today’s promise to consider: Being humble is a powerful teacher. Today is not the day for arrogance or pride. I can get on my knees to pray, I can reach out my hand for help and I can ask someone to forgive me. Today I will think less about myself and my own worries and more about those I love.

 

 

 

 

WISHING THERE WERE MAGIC

A mother wrote to me: My seventeen year old daughter is a heroin addict. Legal issues placed her in rehab. This one is a 60-day stay as opposed to the previous two that were fourteen to twenty-one days. She has been gone for fifty days and shortly she will come home. I have been to Al-Anon meetings and my husband and I have been to couples counseling. In my heart of hearts, I’m scared. She has manipulated me easily in the past. I am her target and she is my only daughter. Maybe I’m just having weak days. I know there are no magic words to help me.

My reflection on the above passage: I wanted magic words. I wanted someone, anyone, to tell me what to do, how to think and what to say. I was trapped in that place of isolation and silence yet wanting to scream my story from the rooftops hoping that someone would give me a game plan, a sure-fire technique that would save my son and our family. I was scared and I wanted answers.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will stay close to my addicted loved one. I will let her know that she is loved, but I will not give her money to support her addiction. I will keep strong boundaries for myself and pray that she finds her. I can only offer my love.

 

 

 

 

IN CHURCH BASEMENTS: 1999 and 2011

My journal entry, February 23, 1999, 6:45 am: I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night, and I found a peace that has eluded me. I’m truly amazed that my soul quieted there, in the basement of a church. What made the difference? I heard such pain from others, and I listened intently as to how they are struggling to survive. I saw in their eyes a determination to get healthy, their intense love for their alcoholic or addict, and true compassion for each other. Yes, something happened last night. Many of them have worse pain than I, and all seem to struggle with similar issues – worry, fear and detachment. I can find strength in their strength. Maybe I’ve been searching for someone to give me strength. Maybe I can find strength and comfort in Al-Anon and ultimately in myself.

An Open Letter to Chrissy and Lisa, September 28, 2011, 4:47 PM: Thanks for reaching out to me and inviting me to your Al-Anon meetings. Your generosity of spirit and your compassion touched me.

So what is it that keeps me coming back? When I look around the room, I see people who understand where I’ve been and how I’ve suffered. When I share our story, people look at me with understanding. When I leave, I don’t feel stripped and vulnerable, but I feel elevated, heard and supported.

Magic happens in these Al-Anon meetings. Here we find hope. I’m remain a grateful member of Al-Anon.

 

DIALOGUE

The son of a recovering addict wrote: My mom found her sobriety after she had me. She said that she wanted a better life for herself and for me. She told the story of how she tried to walk out of rehab the first night when a big fella named Norman put his hand on her shoulder and turned her around. I remember thinking because Norman was a giant dude that he was able to keep my mom in rehab and that we were lucky for that.

Norman and my mom remained friends. He would come over to the house for coffee and they would talk. Now that I am older I understand that we were lucky, not for Norman’s size, but that he was able to start a dialogue with mom that kept her in rehab and it was constant throughout her recovery. Mom lived the rest of her life continuing that dialogue with other addicts, getting them into rehab and guiding them through recovery, just as Norman did for her.

My reflection on the passage: Jeff says, “Anything that shuts down dialogue is dangerous.” The young man above and I think this is absolutely correct. Honest communication is critical in recovery and in life. The Big Book says that recovery can be found only in rigorous honesty.

Today’s Promise to Consider: Open and honest dialogue is an essential first step is achieving healthy relationships with others and with ourselves. The young man above wrote, “Dialogue is to an addict’s recovery as fire is to man’s survival. Without it I wouldn’t have had a sober mom.”

 

Positive Role Models

A mother wrote to me. This is part of it: My son is an alcoholic and just returned from Iraq. Today he is good and I pray that tomorrow will be the same. He is working his program in AA, and I am staying close to him and to my support group in Al-Anon. There are winners in recovery and it’s important for us to keep solid role models of hope out there, in front of us, to keep us all going.

My reflection on the passage above: It is important for us to see positive examples of recovery. I am on a rowing team of breast cancer survivors and we join together as a visible example that there is life after cancer.

My son says that there are “old timers” in AA who are sober and have lived in sobriety for years. They “keep coming back” to give hope, wisdom and support to others. I go to Al-Anon and look to our “old timers” who know my wounds and help me see the positive.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will look to the people who have survived the chaos of trauma and celebrate their successes. I will learn from them and try to be a positive role model to others in my life.

 

 

 

We saved her life, but now it’s her turn

(This Thursday Meditation takes on a different look as I’ve reprinted an article from the Pittsburgh Post Gazette. Thanks to my brother J.F. for sending it.)

Life in the ER: Alive but ungrateful

Monday, February 28, 2011

By Dr. Thomas A. Doyle

She was 19 and she was dead. Skin like a gutted trout’s belly, lips the shade of rotting grapes, not moving or breathing. Her pupils were tiny lead pencil tips, murky and dull. She had been unceremoniously dumped on our doorstep, literally tossed out of a car which peeled away the moment the door was closed. A fresh needle track peeked out of a thatch of old ones in the crook of her left elbow.

Yes, she was dead. But as Billy Crystal said in “The Princess Bride,” she was only mostly dead. She was just taking death out for a test drive, putting a down payment on the farm, sightseeing on the Stygian ferry, tapping the bucket with her toe. Luckily for her, mostly dead is a little alive.

Our team descended upon her and in moments she had a working IV line and oxygen was being forced into her lungs via a bag/mask device. I ordered Narcan, an antidote to overdoses of opiates such as heroin or Oxycontin.

The change was nearly instantaneous; she squirmed on the stretcher and gulped a huge gasp of air. Her eyes snapped open, pupils returning to normal size. She began thrashing about on the bed, tearing off monitor leads, yanking out her IV.

“Relax, sweetie,” soothed our charge nurse, who could pose as the Norman Rockwell archetype of a kindly grandmother, “You’re going to be OK.”

“Don’t you ‘sweetie’ me, bitch!” our modern Lazarus squawked, slapping away the nurse’s hand. She tugged at her gown. “What the hell is this? Where’s my shirt?” Her fingers found the shreds of the grimy sweatshirt we had cut off during the resuscitation. She eyed us accusingly and whipped a piece at the wall. “You cut my [expletive] shirt! You [more expletives] cut my shirt! Y’all are going to pay for this.” Wagging her finger in my face, she listed her demands. “I want a shirt. I want a taxi. I want my wallet, my cell phone … and give me something to drink, my mouth tastes like crap!”

I picked up the shred of sweatshirt and dumped it in the trash. I pulled up a stool next to the stretcher and stared silently at her. After a few seconds of trying to ignore me, she snapped her head around, shoved her nose a couple of inches from mine and bellowed, “What’s your problem!?”

“You’re welcome,” I said softly.

She replied with an additional string of expletives, including some rather creative ones questioning my parentage and sexual orientation. I continued to stare back. Finally I interrupted and said, “You know you just about died.”

All that earned me was a sullen glare.

“Next time might be too late.”

Stony silence.

“If you’re interested, we could try to set you up in rehab …”

“Screw rehab!” she exploded. “Just let me out of here!”

“Fine,” I replied, tossing my hands up and heading for the door.

As I approached the threshold, I heard her muttering. “Rehab! Yeah, like you care about me.”

I halted, mulling it over for a moment. I pivoted on my heel, crossed back to the bed and answered, “You know what? You’re right. I don’t care about you. Who are you to me? Some nobody I’ve never seen before and, at the rate you’re going, I’ll never see alive again.

“I do care that another human being, one just a few years older than my daughter, is completely ruining her life as well as the lives of anyone who ever loved her. But I’m not one of those people. I don’t love you. After seeing how you treat people who help you, I don’t even like you.”

Her mouth popped open to respond, but she seemed momentarily taken aback.

I lowered my voice and continued, “I can only hope you have somebody who still loves you. A mom, a dad, maybe a baby brother or sister. I mean, for God’s sake, you’re 19! It tears my heart out to think that only a few years ago you were probably playing hide and seek and bringing home fingerprint art and dressing up as a puppy in the school play. But in the end it doesn’t matter if I care. It only matters if you care. If you don’t, then why should anybody else?”

“Just get out of my face! You don’t know shit about me!” she spat.

As I tromped out of the room, I bumped into the charge nurse.

“That Narcan sure works fast, doesn’t it?” she commented.

“Yep,” I agreed. “She went from dead to asshole in 60 seconds.”

That garnered a melancholy chuckle and a sagacious glance over her glasses. We walked a few steps then I pulled her aside.

“Hey, listen, make sure social services sees her before she leaves. It probably won’t do any good, but at least give the kid another chance.”

Stepping back, I clapped once and rubbed my hands together. “OK, then. What’s next?”

“A family of three kids who ate cat food in room 7 and an old lady who’s convinced she has worms in her ear in room 12.”

“Of course,” I sighed. “Just another day at the office …”

Three hours later, at the end of my shift, the social worker stopped me and said, “I sent that girl to Gateway.’

“Really?” I replied. “She agreed to go to rehab?”

“Yeah, she’s on her way. By the way, I’m not sure what this means, but she wanted me to tell you it wasn’t a puppy. It was a giraffe.”

Dr. Thomas A. Doyle is a specialist in emergency medicine who practices in Sewickley (tomdoy@aol.com).

 

 

GRIEF

Dr. MacAfee wrote to me: Many years ago, a dad, a laborer, a very hard working man and ever so wise whose daughter had died, came back into therapy after a couple months absence – around the anniversary of her death. In my awkwardness, filling space with my anxiety, I said, “these anniversaries are so difficult.” To which he said, “Dr. MacAfee, I know you mean well, but everyday is the anniversary.”

In that moment, Libby, I learned about trauma and grieving in a way as never before. Needless to say tears filled both our eyes and I came to understand something – a great gift from a grieving father.

My reflection on the passage above: Often we carry our grief alone, lock it inside ourselves where it isolates us, swells and hurts every day. There are times when I feel the grief of lost years, of dreams that missed the mark and of hurts that happened without my being able to stop them. When I least expect it, a remembrance comes to mind and I feel grief for what has been.

Today’s promise to consider: Feeling grief is a part of the human condition and it can trap us in a place where we feel totally alone. Today I will share my grief, my sadness. I will talk with someone and maybe he or she will help me carry it, if just for a moment.

 

DIALOGUE

A mother wrote to me: I talked with my son about what Jeff said – how the addict misses the chaos of his years of using. My son opened up to me about how much he agrees with this. He said that the drugs made him feel alive and now he feels like he’s just going through the motions. I appreciated his honesty and told him that I recognize and admire his courage to change, to talk about these things….and, of course, that I love him!

My reflection on the passage above: Jeff recently told me, “Anything that shuts down dialogue is dangerous. The silence keeps us isolated.”

Addiction thrives in the dark and needs to be brought out of the shadows and into a place of healing. When I was young, we didn’t talk about abortion, breast cancer or homosexuality. Today we talk openly about these issues and this brings hope.

Today’s Promise to consider: Open and honest dialogue takes courage. I will face the tough issues and fight for relationships with my loved ones and those for whom I care deeply. I will work with them to find a place of understanding and forgiveness.

 

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