WHEN WILL HE BE READY TO CHANGE?

04-Jeff photo shoot 304A mother wrote to me: Our son, who is now 26, cannot get sober from heroin addiction. He was clean for eight months, got married and is back on it again. He has been an addict since he was 19, starting with marijuana, then methamphetamine and now heroin. He has been in jail, then prison and at this time he is on probation again. He has been to five or six rehabs. How long will this last? When will he ever be ready to change?

My reflection: The answer to this question would be like finding the Holy Grail. All of us who love an addict want to know, “When will that moment of clarity happen?” Our prayer is that it happens before it’s too late.

Today’s Promise to consider: I had to admit that I had no power over my son or his addiction. I had to admit that I wasn’t in control of when he would be ready to change. I had to admit that I had no ability to stem the endless stream of negative consequences that resulted from his using. All I could do was stay close and pray that he would soon reach that moment of grace when he would make a decision to change.

SAINTS IN THE MAKING

Dr. MacAfee and Jeff

Dr. MacAfee and Jeff

Dr. MacAfee explains, The word saint used in the context of addicts is controversial, but there’s an important distinction to be made between recovering addicts and those who are abstaining from drugs. Abstinence is the beginning, the time when the addict puts down the drugs. Recovery is a transformative process when the addict moves, step by step, into living a life of truth. Recovery happens when the addict leaves the hell that he has been living and moves to a place of belonging, of contribution, of coming alive. His defensiveness goes down and he knows that honesty is his only way to health. With this transformation, his humanity starts to emerge.

My reflection: When Dr. MacAfee told me that addicts were saints in the making, Jeff was still sick and had been sick for 14 years. What I heard in Dr. MacAfee’s words was hope. Hope that Jeff would recover and grow to be the person he was meant to be.

Today’s Promise to consider: When our loved one is in active addiction, life is suffocating. But when he decides deep down to recover and takes the diligent steps healing requires, he comes back with a burning desire to be of service to others. He regains his humanity and chooses a life of truth and purpose. In this transformation, he is, to me, a saint in the making.

DON’T BE IN A RUSH: RECOVERY TAKES TIME

Uncle Jeff and Niece Iysa making s’mores

An Italian friend sent me a poem written by the Uruguayan poet, Mario Benedetti. A young man in recovery told her that he had to hurry to finish the program, to find a job and a house. She shared this poem with him as a way of saying that recovery takes time: time to start to live again, time to reestablish connections with family and society, time to change old habits and to start new ones. Recovery is the time to learn how to live in abstinence.

How do I let you know?

How do I let you know that there is always time?…

That no one sets rules, but life …

That wounds heal …

That it never hurts to be thankful …

That nobody wants to be alone …

That to receive we must also know how to ask …

That one feels with the body and mind …

That it costs to be sensitive and not get hurt …

That it would be better to build bridges

That on them we reach the other side and also come back …

How do I let you know that no one set rules, but life? 

Today’s Promise to consider: For both the persons in recovery and their families, recovery takes time. Wounds heal, but the process takes time. New memories are made, but they take time. We may all be in a rush to start a new life together, but time can heal, and time takes time.

 

NEVER GIVE UP

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Cousins

My nephew is living a sober life after more than a decade-long addiction. A recovering heroin addict, he was on methadone for eight years while also having bouts of heroin and cocaine use. Today, he is a man who is carving out a life of strength and health. Not only is he physically fit, but he is growing in spirituality, serenity and peace as he works a strong program in the 12 steps. He’s also in charge of a sober-living house with six recovering young men. He is stepping up to his responsibilities and is deepening in wisdom and love. He inspires me with his courage.

My reflection: When Jeff was sick with addiction, I cried out to God to touch him and change his life. It took me 14 years to understand that my son had to choose. My nephew had to choose. The consequences of their addiction brought them to their knees.

Today’s Promise to consider: I won’t give up hope. Even after years of trauma at addiction’s feet, there is hope. Why do some people get well and others don’t? I don’t know, but I do know that my nephew and son are living proof that it’s possible. I pray every day that God gives them the strength to continue to choose well.

“ADDICTS LOOK DEATH IN THE EYE”

IMG_2927.TMDr. MacAfee told me, When addicts start to live a sober life, they recoup their lives. During their addiction, they looked death in the eye. This changes them. Through recovery, they break out of their isolation and learn to serve. 

My reflection: I’ve talked with many recovering addicts and they tell me that service is a key part of maintaining sobriety. They are well aware of the people they hurt and the damage they caused. In recovery, they have a strong desire to give back, to reconnect with family and their communities, and to contribute to the world around them.

Today’s Promise to consider: We have much to learn from people in recovery. They have suffered, have been marginalized and have been loathed by society. As Dr. MacAfee says, “They have looked death in the eye.” Today, I will open my heart and listen to the wisdom of those in recovery.

TAKING OUR HANDS OFF THE CONTROLS

IMG_0170.TM (1)In the 1950s, a few highly trained pilots in the US Air Force were set a life-or-death task to fly at altitudes higher than ever before attempted. Going beyond the earth’s denser atmosphere, a plane could skid into a flat spin … and then start tumbling. The first pilots responded by frantically trying to stabilize their planes. The more ferociously they manipulated their controls, the wilder the ride became. They plunged to their deaths. Until Chuck Yeager inadvertently struck upon the solution. When his plane began tumbling, he was thrown violently around the cockpit and knocked out. Unconscious, he plummeted toward earth. When the plane reentered the planet’s denser atmosphere, Yeager came to, steadied the craft and landed safely.  

(Paraphrased from Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach, Ph.D., pgs. 49-50.) 

My reflection: When Jeff was in active addiction, the last thing I wanted to do was take my hands off the controls. When I was growing up, my dad used to say, “You gotta make something happen.” In the face of addiction, I tried desperately to make something happen and save my son. Helpless and distraught, fourteen years later I learned to let go and let God.

Today’s Promise to consider: When facing active addiction, it is often necessary to take our hands off the controls. We can stay close and love our son or daughter – that never changes, but he or she needs to make the decision to change. Today, I’ll pause and admit that I’m not at the helm of my child’s sobriety.

 

 

TAKING TIME TO REFLECT

IMG_3400.TM (1)Last week, I spent a few days at New Camaldoli Hermitage, a working Benedictine monastery, located on 900 acres high above the Pacific Ocean in the Big Sur. Silence is required and there is no cell service or internet connection. This mountain sanctuary offered me an opportunity to reflect on all that is happening in my life. I felt God’s majestic presence and heard clearly Father Cyprian Consiglio’s message that this season of Lent is a time to be quiet and to nurture our inner life. It is the period to, “sink back into the source of everything….That time when we let what we think of as our real self dissolve, break apart, in order to find our real self.”  

My reflection: When Jeff was in active addiction, I rarely (if ever) took time to simply be quiet and to reflect on my life. My head sang a song that sounded like, Do something now! Take control immediately! Don’t just sit here! I wish I had attended better to my needs. I wish I had taken a sacred pause.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction rejoices where we are frenetic, but we can’t give addiction that power. When I am at my wit’s end, anxious and distraught, I need to remember to quiet my soul and sink back into the source of everything. Today, I’ll take some time – even two or three minutes – to stop, reflect and feel the presence of my Higher Power.

“WE ADMITTED WE WERE POWERLESS…”

IMG_0174.TM (1)A recovering addict told me, I changed my life when I surrendered. Finally, I realized that I kept repeating the same story over and over – drugs, get caught, prison, get out, try again without drugs, can’t do it, so drugs again, prison again. It was my 4th time in prison, and I was stuck. I couldn’t see myself outside of prison. It was always the same story. In the end, I admitted that I needed help.

My reflection: The Big Book tells the addict that Step One is, We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable. I remember Jeff trying in vain, over and over, to control his use. He never could. Similarly, I tried to control the addiction, forcing Jeff into treatment centers and cutting him off from family money. Nothing worked.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction was bigger than both Jeff and me. Real change only happened when we both admitted our powerlessness. Just as the addict has to surrender and admit that he needs help, I did too. I was powerless over my son’s addiction and my life had become unmanageable. This was the beginning of my healing.

 

 

 

 

CAN WE FORCE SOBRIETY?

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Photo Credit: Mikele Roselli-Cecconi

A recovering addict told me, You know, you can’t force sobriety on anybody. Cause Mum tried everything. She gave me money, didn’t give me money, made me go to rehab, didn’t make me go to rehab, drove down four or five hours to pick me up, and on the other hand left me somewhere. Nothing worked. No matter how many rehabs I’ve done or how many counselors or meetings I went to, I never got it, until one day I was just sick of it and had enough. 

My reflection: Over the years, I tried countless ways to force sobriety on Jeff. I threatened him that if he didn’t go to rehab I would never give him another cent or allow him to come home again. One time, I told him that I would cut him out of my will. I cried, yelled and bargained. I would have sold my soul if that would have made the difference.

Today’s Promise to consider: We can try to force our loved ones into sobriety, and it might work for some. For my son, it never did. I learned that it didn’t matter if the treatment center had a swimming pool, horseback riding or massages. I learned that my son had to be ready to change, and that happened when the pain of his using became too much for him to bear. I thank God every day that he came back home to himself and us.

 

CHASING THE HIGH

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Photo Credit: Mikele Roselli-Cecconi

A recovering addict told me, When you’re an addict, you don’t think about anybody else. No one. The only thing you think about is drugs and getting high. And I didn’t realize until getting healthy how much the families of addicts suffer. They have emotions. We’re addicts, we’re numb to everything, we’re medicated away from society, away from emotions. I don’t know how my mum and sister lived with those kinds of emotions for so long. 

My reflection: When Jeff was sick with addiction, I couldn’t understand how this child of mine – so elegant and cultured – could be living in his car, shooting heroin into his neck and getting arrested time and time again. He went into the same detox center so often the intake officer told him, “Get out of here. We’re not a hotel.” He hit countless bottoms. I couldn’t imagine it getting worse. It always did. 

Today’s promise to consider: Our loved ones don’t think about us when they’re on the chase for the high. They are totally focused on getting and using drugs. We, as family, don’t enter their minds, and on the rare occasions that we do, the pursuit of drugs silences our voices. I’ll stay close and wait for him to remember that he is loved.

 

 

 

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