WHAT IS ENABLING?

IMG_1696A mother wrote to me:What is enabling? Webster’s dictionary says, “to make possible, practical, or easy.” How simple this sounds. Why would a parent want to make it easy for a child to destroy himself? My aunt said to me yesterday, “You need to have guidelines and discipline in your house.” I just thought to myself: I would love to have that. I am a mom trying to raise three kids and one is an addict. I am not so sure what rules I am to follow.

My reflection: Dr. MacAfee says enabling is anything that maintains the status quo, the pattern of behavior that’s currently in place. Trying to break the status quo required me to step back and allow Jeff to face the consequences of his addiction, which was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Saying ‘no’ to my son and staying close without withdrawing love took me fourteen years to learn.

Today’s Promise to consider:Today, I will not enable my loved one to maintain the status quo, the patterns that are destroying his life. I will let him feel the consequences of his addiction. I will stay close, but out of the chaos.

 

 

 

 

COURAGE IS FEAR THAT HAS SAID ITS PRAYERS

jb_courage_1 copy A mom wrote to me, My recovering son told me he still has a lot of fear, and sometimes it holds him back, even from doing wonderful things in his life like meeting friends, going back to school, applying for a new job or going on a date. I guess this is normal – many of us have fears – but how much harder it must be for a recovering addict.

My reflection: Dr. MacAfee says that addiction is the loss of self and that recovery of self is a transformative process that takes time and perseverance. When Jeff made the decision to live a sober life, I told him, “You have a lot of courage to do this again, Jeff.” He paused and then said quietly, almost to himself, “Courage? That’s a word rarely used with addicts. Yeah, it takes courage.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Recovery offers our loved ones the freedom to rediscover their identity and, in time, their real and authentic personalities emerge. Today, I will recognize the enormity of this fight and the tenacity it takes for them to face and win this battle. For me, I must trust God and work diligently my program of recovery so that fear is replaced with courage.

 

 

 

ADDICTS: LEARNING TO LOVE THEMSELVES

IMG_3737 2A recovering addict sent me this quote, We could search the whole world over and never find another being more worthy of our love than ourselves.

My reflection: I talked with Jeff about this, and he said, “A lack of self love is typically one of the core issues facing addicts. Especially when we start to get sober, we beat ourselves up for all the pain we caused the people around us. Thankfully, that’s what the program of AA provides – a community that genuinely cares about us when we have a hard time finding that care in ourselves. Ultimately, we come to find that love within ourselves, but it takes time.”

Today’s Promise written by Jeff: Self love seems foreign, insane and impossible to the addict, but I’ve seen with my own eyes countless recovering people make the transition from self loathing to self love. Today I will allow my recovering community to love me when I can’t love myself. I will trust that by staying committed to the program of AA and leaning on my Higher Power that love will begin to take hold in my heart.

MEETING AVERSION WITH COMPASSION

IMG_3792Jeff sent me a passage from a text he’s reading, Aversion is not the enemy; it is just the normal reaction of the mind and body to pain. Whatever the hurt we feel – whether of mind, body or emotion – our biological survival mechanism tries to get rid of it. The problem is that we don’t actually have the ability to escape from all of the painful experiences in life. It can’t be done. The good news is that by greeting those painful moments and feelings with compassion, we decrease our personal suffering and bring about an experience of well being.

My reaction: Facing a situation that is uncomfortable or painful is difficult. This can be as simple as having to clean the house or exercise, where I can think of ten things to do first like checking email or calling someone on the phone before I start. In this way, I avert facing what is unpleasant and substitute distractions that give me pleasure. Aversion can also be complicated and lead to huge trouble like drugs. Jeff tells me that drugs help in the same way, “Instead of facing painful situations, drugs allowed me to deaden my senses and go under.” Some people might use food or shopping, others might use pornography or drugs.

Today’s Promise to consider: When life becomes painful, I can find many ways to avoid or avert it – from the small tasks to the big problems. Today, I will face my problems without anger or disdain. I’ll see clearly the difficulty, call it out by name and face it with compassion for myself and others.

 

 

 

PATIENCE & FAITH

DSC01596 2A recovering addict told me, Cleaning drugs and alcohol from the body is one point on the long road of sobriety. True recovery is about walking the walk and handling obstacles with patience and faith. 

My reflection: Life for addicts and for those of us who love them is not easy. Challenges confront us daily and the addict must be dedicated to fighting the good fight for themselves and with their Higher Power. As family members and loved ones, we learn how to support them from a distance and to keep hope alive.

Today’s Promise: The goal of walking the walk and handling obstacles with patience and faith is a goal for all of us, whether we are recovering addicts or not. The question is not if we will face obstacles and problems, but how will we face them. Whether it feels like it or not, I believe God is always with us. The ability to handle problems with patience and faith is my daily prayer.

 

 

ADDICTION WAITS PATIENTLY

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The Daily Beast, 2/2/14: Philip Seymour Hoffman lay dead on his side on the bathroom floor clad in a T-shirt and shorts, a hypodermic needle sticking out of his left arm. In the trash, police found five empty heroin envelopes. Nearby were two full envelopes.  (Michael Daly)

The Telegraph, 2/3/14: Philip Seymour Hoffman was clean for 23 years before apparently checking himself into rehab last year. To stay away from drink and drugs for nearly a quarter of a century – and then relapse? Some people will be puzzled by that. They shouldn’t be.  (Damian Thompson is the author of The Fix: How addiction is taking over your world.) 

 

Jeff’s Reaction: Addiction doesn’t discriminate. This week we saw one of the world’s most talented actors die to street drugs. Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death is a stark reminder that addiction is always there, patient and waiting to pounce. No matter how much clean time we put together, sobriety is a life-long journey. It’s easy to forget how bad things can become when we open addiction’s cage.

 

STAYING IN GRATITUDE: PART 4

Stay Close - Plane WindowA reflection from 35,000 feet, Jeff wrote: For me, gratitude is about dialing it back and viewing life from the cruising altitude of an airplane. When I zoom into the minutia of my life, it’s easy to become unhappy. I see problems and challenges: arguments with friends, traffic jams and parking tickets, business disagreements and other life problems. But when I zoom out and look at things from 35,000 feet, I can see so much more for which to be grateful: people in my life who love me, own a company that I care about, my basic needs met, the ability to travel and have great experiences. Life is good. For me, it’s about looking at life from a distance and realizing how blessed I am.

My reflection: Sometimes my problems seem huge and they tend to suffocate gratitude. But when I look at the total of my life, from above, it looks pretty good. Brother David Steindl-Rast, a Benedictine Monk, says, “Grateful living is the awareness that we stand on holy ground.”

Today’s Promise to consider: It’s easy to look at what I don’t have or to focus on what I wish was different, but today I’ll look at my life from an altitude of 35,000 feet and be thankful for my blessings. It can be hard to stay in gratitude, but being grateful makes me a better person.

ONE PARENT: ONE STORY, Part I

DSC02891 3*Part I of a series where, each week, one mother or father will share a personal story about addiction.

Sharing my thoughts: The Big Book of AA talks about sharing our “experience, strength and hope.” And that is what Jeff, Jeremy and I strive to do. Our family made many mistakes, but we believe that through the sharing of our experience, we all benefit. I have talked with enough parents and spouses of alcoholics and addicts to know that we can learn from each other. In our pain, we begin to understand; in our collective stories, we listen to find hope; in our love, we continue to believe.

My reflection: I remain humble in the face of addiction and always try to avoid giving advice. Addiction is confounding and I have only one story to tell – my own. But I also live every day in a space of gratitude that Jeff is good today. He is sober and living a productive life. It is through sharing our personal narratives that we learn.

Today’s Promise to Consider: I’m one mother with one story. I don’t have the answers to solving addiction, but I will tell my story of experience, strength and hope. I will share my truths.

THE IRONY OF ADDICTION

FH000019 - SmallJeff and I were talking, and he said, Addiction masquerades as ecstasy. Early on, drugs deliver good times and excitement, but ultimately, as addiction takes hold, they are the direct road to destruction and chaos. For the addict, the irony of this is confusing and extremely hard to reconcile. 

My reaction: Dr. MacAfee once told me, “Even a kiss can disappoint. It’s never the same. That’s what is so addictive about drugs. The high is always the same, always there. It never disappoints” … until finally the addict realizes the same dependable high is destroying his life.

Today’s Promise to consider: Drugs and alcohol have a tenacious grasp on addicts. The fight to sobriety is one I don’t know, but I pray my loved one finds the strength and courage to rip off the mask from addiction’s face to see his falseness, his duplicity.

PLEASE JOIN US OR PASS IT ON

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Parent Life coaches Leslie Ferris and Cathy Taughinbaugh are hosting a complimentary teleconference on Wednesday, September 18, when we will discuss Stay Close: A Mother’s Story of Her Son’s Addiction. I thank Leslie and Cathy for this opportunity to reach out and help others. I hope you can join us or, if not, please pass this on to someone who might find it helpful. Addiction doesn’t discriminate and we are not alone. 

TITLE: Three Big Lessons Learned from Author of Stay Close, Libby Cataldi – Plus Wisdom from Italy Rarely Heard in the U.S. 

DATE: Wednesday, September 18, 2013

TIME: 1:00 PM Pacific, 2:00 PM Mountain, 3:00 PM Central, 4:00 PM EasternThere will be an opportunity for callers to ask questions during our interview.

WHERE: This event is free and via teleconference. Upon registration, you will receive dial-in information via email. 

Can’t make the call live? No worries, a recording will be sent to every registered participant within 24 hours after the event.

Register today at https://3biglessonslearned.eventbrite.com/ or  http://ow.ly/oG35P

“Searingly honest and moving…(Cataldi) has broken the taboos about being the parent of an addict.” New York Daily News