Stay Close Blog

Dec 23, 2021

FOCUSING ON THE PRESENT

A friend wrote to me, This week, we laid a family friend to rest. It was a sudden and unexpected passing. The priest’s sermon was Life is a Gift. This is something that I know to be true; however, I have not been true to it, especially not this month. I’ve been rushing around and distracted. I heard his message loud and clear: SLOW DOWN and focus on the present.

My reflection: It’s easy to get caught up in the rush of the season as we try to accomplish our to-do list. Soon it will be over, and all we’ll have are memories.

Today’s Promise to consider: We all know that our problems don’t go away for the holidays, and they often loom over every moment. It is up to us to make the decision to pause and be grateful for this time with our loved ones, our friends, and even ourselves. There will be plenty of time to worry and fret, but – for this one day, for this one season – let us slow down and give thanks. Let us focus on what is important and who is important.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all our friends around the world. Love from our family to you and yours.

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Dec 16, 2021

RECOVERY: WHAT MAKES THE DIFFERENCE?

by libbycataldi under Recovery

A mom wrote to me: My son told me that his many years of rehab, talking with friends and family, AA, and all the other attempts to get clean seemed to have fallen on his deaf ears, but in reality they all contributed to his decision to change his life. In other words, not one thing made the difference, but the accumulation of things made a difference. I never thought of it that way, and this gives me hope. From now on, I will never underestimate the potential power of my words, his support systems, rehab, AA, counseling, or any other intervention. Any or all of these might end up being a big part of his decision to choose health.

My reflection: For fourteen years, I searched for the one thing that would change the course of my son’s illness. I finally realized that it wasn’t mine to find.

Today’s Promise to consider: We all want to find the ‘magic bullet’ that will change the course of addiction, the one thing that will make the difference and bring our loved ones back to life. For fourteen years, I searched for that elusive and miraculous power. In time, I learned that there was no Holy Grail, but that all the interventions in his life would accumulate to make a difference: from good things like AA, spirituality, the Big Book, friends, family, to bad ones like jail, loss of jobs, and destroyed relationships. But the most important thing I learned was that the final decision was his, and only his.

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Dec 9, 2021

LET’S PREPARE OUR HEARTS FOR THE HOLIDAYS

by libbycataldi under Compassion, Gratitude

Tara Brach, one of my favorite Buddhist practitioners, recently wrote, ‘While the holidays can be times of loving celebration, they can also highlight relational conflicts and challenges.’ Old patterns of behavior kick in, and we can get sabotaged by our own controlling natures. In her podcast, she offers ideas about how to bring loving kindness to ourselves and others. She posits, ‘We need to make space for us imperfect humans.’

My reflection: During my son’s many years of active addiction, I took no time to prepare my heart for the holidays. I was more like a train on an errant track, rushing to get through the holidays in one piece. Overwhelmed with emotions and fears, I plowed through each day.

Today’s Promise to consider: The holidays can be times of extreme stress for all families, and especially when addiction is involved. Let us prepare our hearts for the holidays and not place unreasonable expectations on ourselves or others. Life is limited and we aren’t guaranteed next year, so let’s make an intention – now and not in the New Year – to celebrate and be present for family and friends. As Tara says, ‘We are all imperfect. Let us connect with the gold inside us.’

Maya Angelou wrote:

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said,

People will forget what you did,

But people will never forget how you made them feel.

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Dec 2, 2021

ADDICTION TAKES PRISONERS

by libbycataldi under Boundaries, meditation

A mother wrote to me: My son walked out of his fourth rehab, and in November of last year my husband kicked him out of our house, again. I couldn’t help but mourn. I lay on my bed and didn’t move for two days. He’s presently in an outpatient methadone program. His addiction has claimed him for five years. Methadone is not the answer I wanted for my son. I want to see him whole, clean, and well again. His drug addiction has had such a big impact on our lives.

My reflection: No matter how hard I tried to keep my feelings and suffering to myself, my angst seeped into all my relationships, including my family, friends, and work. Yes, addiction has a huge and undeniable impact on all our lives.

Today’s Promise: Addiction takes prisoners: Parents argue, mothers mourn, siblings are heartbroken and angry, while our suffering loved one is in his own world, chasing his next fix. The entire family spirals into chaos and despair, which is why we must learn to take care of ourselves. When we maintain boundaries, participate in our support groups, and lean on faith, we’re better versions of ourselves – and better able to support our family ecosystems. It all starts with reaching out our hands. We are not alone.

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Nov 25, 2021

TODAY LET’S LIGHT UP THE SKY WITH GRATITUDE

by libbycataldi under Gratitude

The Great Sufi Master, Hafiz, wrote:

THE SUN NEVER SAYS

Even

After

All this time

The sun never says to the earth,

“You owe

Me.”

Look

What happens

With a love like that,

It lights the

Whole Sky.

Today’s Promise to consider: The greatest gift we can give ourselves and others on this Thanksgiving Day is to be grateful for what we have, instead of grieving over what we have not. Let us hold our suffering loved ones in our prayers and ask for nothing in return. Let us open our hearts today and simply wish others well. Today, there is no self-benefit, no pain, no angst. Let’s allow our love and gratitude to light up the whole sky.

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Nov 18, 2021

BOUNDARIES: ARE THEY IMPORTANT?

by libbycataldi under Boundaries

A mother wrote to me: Today I am struggling with Staying Close as I fear my son’s addiction is taking hold of him again. Part of me wants to say Stay Away, “I don’t want to be your mother anymore. I can’t continue to deal with your addiction.”

My personal reflection on the above passage: I know this feeling of wanting to run away from all the chaos that is addiction. There are times when we, as parents, are so overwhelmed with its myriad problems, legal issues, car crashes, lies, and betrayals that we just want to opt out. Dr. MacAfee, our beloved addiction psychologist, told me, “Obliterating relationships won’t obliterate addiction. I know that parents want the pain to stop, but disowning their child does not alleviate the pain.”

Today’s Promise to Consider: Good, solid, and meaningful boundaries are essential when dealing with addiction. Every parent needs to say what she means and do what she says. This clarity will help not only the parent, but also her suffering child, who needs to know what he can expect. Today, I will tell him clearly what I can and cannot do, and I will mean it. I will follow through. I will respect my boundaries for his sake, and mine. I will stay close and pray that he chooses a different life.

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Nov 11, 2021

PROTECTING THE INNOCENT ONES

by libbycataldi under family

A mother wrote to me: My husband and I have tried everything, even letting our son stay in jail. I don’t know how our journey will end, but I pray that he will accept the help he so desperately needs. I feel such despair and such anger that this is happening to us. What makes it worse is that he is a father to a beautiful seven-year-old little boy, who I worry about all the time. He is such an innocent.

My personal reflection: Addiction brings entire families to their knees. We, as grandparents, often struggle doubly as we watch the damage extend from our children to theirs, who don’t deserve this turmoil.

Today’s Promise to Consider: Addiction isn’t fair and stops at nothing but full destruction. The children of our suffering loved ones get caught in the chaos, and we need to help them through their confusion and feelings of insecurity. I will stay close to my innocent ones and provide them a safe space in which to share their feelings. I will be strong for them and support them always, especially when their family systems are spiraling out of control.

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Nov 4, 2021

HOW INVOLVED SHOULD WE BE IN OUR CHILD’S RECOVERY?

by libbycataldi under family, meditation, Recovery

A dad told me: When I visited my son at his halfway house, I asked him, “If you feel yourself slipping or getting into the danger zone, what should I say or do to you to help?” He answered, “Nothing. If I need help, I need to reach out to these people around me. They know my walk.” I felt relieved when he said this to me because I just want to be his dad.

My reflection: As parents, we put huge pressure on ourselves to solve our children’s problems and lift them out of the chaos drugs create. In reality, we’re not best suited for the job. Our children have entire communities in AA, NA, or other groups who know their walk and who are ready to reach out their hands.

Today’s Promise to consider: We, as parents, can offer our children our support, love, and words of wisdom. We can and should Stay Close. But we also must acknowledge that programs like AA and NA are more helpful in providing the help they need. There, they will find people who are also on the path of sobriety. Today, I’ll step aside and allow my child to be part of their recovering community. I’ll be ‘just his mom,’ or ‘just his dad,’ the person who will always love him.

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Oct 28, 2021

BOMBARD THE HEAVENS

by libbycataldi under Compassion, Courage

A mother wrote to me: I wonder how many prayers we have lifted up as parents of addicted children? And how many prayers others have lifted up on our behalf in an effort to do something, anything to support our both tender and strong parent hearts. How many prayers are lifted up, especially during those times when there is no clear answer to, “What do I do?”

My reflection: When I was too beaten up by addiction’s blows even to pray, my mother prayed. I remember how she would tell me, “I put you on our church’s prayer list. My prayer group will flood the heavens for you and my grandson.” This gave me comfort and reminded me how much strength comes to us through those who never hesitate to ‘pray us along.’

Today’s Promise to consider: Whether I believe in the power of prayer or not, today I will send forth into the universe positive thoughts and energy for my loved one and all those who are suffering. I will bombard the heavens with requests for love and strength.

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Oct 21, 2021

FINDING OUR VOICES

by libbycataldi under Communication

Our beloved Dr. MacAfee, my son’s addiction therapist, told me: Silencing your feelings, your most potent inner instincts, will leave you living in fear as you wait for the other shoe to drop. Speak your truths for your benefit and the benefit of your son.

My reflection: When my son was in active addiction, I worried about every word that I said to him. Would he hear my love for him, or would we dissolve into confrontation? Would he walk out and be lost, once again. I shoved my thoughts into my belly until I got sick. I felt invisible, powerless, and angry.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I will speak up. I will stop the cycle of swallowing my voice and holding my feelings inside until they spew out in destructive ways. Walking on eggshells is no way to live. The dynamic of this unhealthy dance between my suffering loved one and me must stop. I am determined to keep myself balanced, respected, and heard.

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