libbycataldi, Author at Stay Close Blog

Aug 13, 2015

HIC ET NUNC: HERE AND NOW

by libbycataldi under Courage, Faith, Resentments, Service, Stay Close

Son Jeremy, Granddaughter Iysa, Libby, son Jeff

An Italian friend wrote to me: For six months now, two or three days a week, my mother goes to my brother’s recovery community and helps the girls design and make bags. In this way, my mother has the possibility to ‘stay close’ to my brother without ‘staying attached’ to him. When she works on the bags, it feels like all the suffering was not so important: we live “Hic et Nunc”, Here and Now. We are able to joke, smile, laugh, cry, be happy and above all be HIC et NUNC! How many times I’ve prayed to be able to live ‘here and now’ and not think about all the ifs, buts and whys. My family has found the possibility to grow in spite of sorrow. We are understanding how to stay close without being dependent.

My reflection: When Jeff was in active addiction, living in the present seemed impossible – my mind was a constant wash of regrets, past hurts and disasters yet to come. This didn’t serve me well and it didn’t serve our family. Jeff’s 14-year addiction is teaching me how to live “Hic ed Nunc” – to be mindful of the moments, the little victories. When I’m able to live in the present and without the ifs, buts and whys, life is more steady.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I will live ‘Hic et Nunc,’ the Latin term for ‘here and now.’ I will let go of yesterday’s sufferings, and I won’t obsess over the future. I will work toward staying close without staying attached. I will be grateful for the moments.

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Aug 6, 2015

BRINGING ADDICTION INTO THE LIGHT

by libbycataldi under Communication, Courage, Dialogue, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Recovery

Photo credit: Mikele Roselli-Cecconi

A mother wrote to me: My son is homeless. I will not allow him to live at home as long as he is using. I asked him what his plan was and I explained that it was hard for me to tell him he couldn’t stay with me. Normally he would have yelled at me, slammed doors and walked out mad, but he didn’t this time. I saw something different in his face that made me think that he was finally seeing that his problem was bigger than he had thought. I pray he chooses a different life, but I know that he must choose.

My reflection: Dr. MacAfee wrote, Complaining, threatening, forcing and handwringing rarely, if ever, succeed. Instead, such approaches tend to drive the condition underground. Defensiveness must be lowered and communication must be clearer.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction is cloaked with heavy blankets of shame. Today, I will recommit to fostering an honest, compassionate environment with firm boundaries in place. I pray my child will choose to bring his addiction into the light where we can address it, for his life and for his health. Only he can make this choice.

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Jul 30, 2015

A LITTLE PIECE DIES

by libbycataldi under family, Relapse

A mother wrote to me: Tonight we had our son arrested under the mental health act because we were so concerned with his safety. He broke down and said that he wished he could die. We didn’t know if this was drunk/drug talk or if this was a cry for help, but I knew we had to take this seriously. This was the hardest and most painful thing I have had to do in my life. We had the police come to our home and handcuff him and take him to the hospital’s psychiatric unit. When you watch the police take your own son away in handcuffs because you called them, a little piece of you dies.

My reflection: Addiction is a monster and it changes our children into people we don’t recognize. It wreaks havoc in our lives and twists our love into unimaginable shapes. We don’t know what to do in the face of addiction, but we try our best. We do what our hearts tell us to do. Are we right or wrong? I’m not sure there are answers to some questions.

Today’s Promise: Every minute of every day, addiction kills little pieces of our families. Today, I admit that I am powerless to change my loved one, but I am not powerless to change myself. I will search for my strength and I will find my balance. I will pick up my cross and carry it.

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Jul 23, 2015

RING OF FIRE

by libbycataldi under Communication, family, Relapse

A mother writes: I have three sons. The oldest is an addict, and the younger brothers don’t want anything to do with him. Sometimes it’s more than I can bear. Our family is on the verge of imploding as a result of the addiction. When addiction is present, everybody is out of control, everybody lives a joyless life and everyone is lost. I know my son must help himself, but while I wait and watch, I must say – I am in despair.

My reflection: Despair, out of control, lost: all words that describe a family dealing with addiction. Brother against brother, father against mother and everyone against the addiction as we are tossed into a ring of fire. What to do? Al-Anon and other family groups help us to know that we are not alone.

Today’s Promise to consider: I admit that I am powerless over this disease, but I also know that every member of my family is affected – and I must to be sensitive to their needs and fears. I will do my best to provide a strong role model for my family, I will learn about addiction, I will keep strong boundaries and communicate with honesty. Together we will find our way. I will stay close.

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Jul 16, 2015

LETTING GO OF THE PAST

by libbycataldi under Hope, Recovery, Stay Close

Jeff said to me, I read a passage this morning about how we are often slaves to our conditioning – events of the past, boxes society creates for us, people’s expectations and past hurts. Our minds recreate those stories constantly and lay them overtop of our current lives, typically without us realizing it.

My reflection: This thought of recreating our past or expecting the same story to happen again resonates with me. For years after Jeff’s recovery, I was looking for the lies to reoccur, examining his eyes for any indication of relapse and trying to gird myself for what might happen. Instead of enjoying the healthy moments with him, I often carried the old stories and hurts forward.

Today’s Promise to consider: The past is the past, and although it invariably shapes us, we need to learn from it and let go of it. Carrying former hurts on our backs like a turtle carries his shell helps no one. Today, I will not live in fear that the past might reoccur. I won’t waste precious time with my loved one.

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Jul 9, 2015

RELAPSE

by libbycataldi under Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Faith, family, Relapse

A mom wrote to me, As I anticipated, my son relapsed. Not that any relapse is ‘good,’ but this one was terribly frightening. My son has lost about everything. My husband and I (not always on the same page) went to his apartment last night. I held my son in my arms and BEGGED him to choose life. I know I can’t do this for him. I’m just so painfully sad.

My reflection: I would have sold my soul to make Jeff well. Relapse after relapse felt as if it were our life’s sentence. Only at the end of a 14-year addiction did I realize that I was powerless to change my son. He had to make the decision to change. I needed to stay close.

Today’s Promise to consider: For many addicts, relapse is part of the process of recovery. Dr. MacAfee says that relapse isn’t failure, but it’s one step closer to sobriety. For today, I’ll pray that if my addicted loved one relapses, he makes it back safely. As a mom, I will use my energy to stay close, continue to love him and pray.

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Jul 2, 2015

NO VOLUNTEERS IN HEARTBREAK

by libbycataldi under Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, Recovery, Resentments

Dr MacAfee told me: Parents need to know that their suffering is legitimate and the result of loving their child. I have heard dismissive and searingly hateful comments thrown at parents that they are victims of their own suffering. The stories of addiction are heart wrenching: murders, fatal overdoses and debilitating consequences. There are no volunteers to these heartbreaks. No one would sign up for these experiences.

My reflection: Nobody welcomes addiction into her home, but it happens. I didn’t volunteer for a 14-year journey of addiction, but the heartbreak deepened as I loved my son while he descended into the world of drugs.

Today’s Promise to consider: There are no volunteers in addiction. There are no volunteers to the heartbreak and suffering that addiction heaps on us. We simply love our addicted child or spouse or parent. When we love another person, we open ourselves to pain, as well as to joy.

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Jun 25, 2015

WOUNDS AS LIGHT

by libbycataldi under Faith, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Resentments

Rumi, a 13^th century Persian poet and theologian, wrote, The wound is the place where the Light enters you.

My reflection: This one line touched me deeply. The wound caused by addiction is a place where the Light can enter. I can choose to learn from addiction and the destruction that it causes, or I can stay stuck in anger, resentment and bitterness.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I will let hope and healing grow in the deep wounds that addiction left. I admit that we all suffered tremendously, but I will not be chained by bitterness and ugliness. I will learn from my pain. I will have faith in the future.

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Jun 18, 2015

DON’T WORRY, MOMMA. EVERYTHING WILL BE OK.

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Courage, Forgiveness, Relapse

A mom wrote to me: Wednesday, I talked with my daughter and all was well. Thursday, she walked out of rehab. She is now on the streets and, when she calls me, she lies and tries to manipulate me beyond my wildest dreams. Today, she texted me a simple message, Don’t worry Momma, everything will be ok, I promise. An hour ago, I received a call from a hospital that my daughter was there and asking for detox. I can only hope that we can find a sense of peace that has been lost for so long.

My reflection: Jeff was in active addiction for 14 years, and I did everything I could to force him to live a sober life. I threatened, cajoled, pleaded, wept, and wrung my hands. I punished, screamed, fought, ached, had nightmares and stuffed my emotions into my belly. None of this did any good.

Today’s Promise to consider: Jeff alone made the decision to change his life. When the consequences of his addiction became too painful, too unbearable, he chose sobriety. For today, I’ll stay close, but out of the chaos. I’ll pray that my addicted love one finds his own path to freedom.

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Jun 11, 2015

FAMILY DISEASE

by libbycataldi under Communication, Courage, Dialogue, family, meditation, Relapse

A husband wrote to me: My wife has relapsed on alcohol after remaining sober for a period of twelve years. I am now the sole custodian of three children. This disease engulfs everyone in its path, including the addict and family. I have witnessed the progression of the disease from the perspective of the loving spouse, as well as through the lens of my children who battle on a daily basis through the scars of their mother’s addiction.

My reflection: Addiction destroys families. It breeds worry, helplessness and hopelessness. What happens to the children when a parent relapses? What happens to the spouse? No mother wants to hurt her children, and this story epitomizes the power of drugs.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction is a family illness and we all suffer. But through it all, I must protect my family. Today, I’ll take this disease out of the dark where it does its dirtiest work. I will open the lines of communication, and I’ll listen without judgment to my children and spouse as they share their feelings. I will provide a safe harbor.

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