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ADDICTS: LEARNING TO LOVE THEMSELVES

IMG_3737 2A recovering addict sent me this quote, We could search the whole world over and never find another being more worthy of our love than ourselves.

My reflection: I talked with Jeff about this, and he said, “A lack of self love is typically one of the core issues facing addicts. Especially when we start to get sober, we beat ourselves up for all the pain we caused the people around us. Thankfully, that’s what the program of AA provides – a community that genuinely cares about us when we have a hard time finding that care in ourselves. Ultimately, we come to find that love within ourselves, but it takes time.”

Today’s Promise written by Jeff: Self love seems foreign, insane and impossible to the addict, but I’ve seen with my own eyes countless recovering people make the transition from self loathing to self love. Today I will allow my recovering community to love me when I can’t love myself. I will trust that by staying committed to the program of AA and leaning on my Higher Power that love will begin to take hold in my heart.

HONORING LIFE IN THE FACE OF DEATH

Old Man in Sorrow (On the Threshold of Eternity) Vincent Van Gogh, 1890

A mom, who lost her son to addiction, wrote to me, Nothing will ever fill the hole in my heart, but I know there was nothing more I could have done for my son. Today, I honor the grief by acknowledging it and not hiding it. I can’t carry guilt like a cross. I know that today my beloved son is at peace and free of pain. An acupuncturist once told me our bodies remember stress and trauma and, as beautiful as childbirth is, my body obviously remembers bringing my beautiful boy into this world and also remembers the trauma of finding him after he left this world. I honor his life everyday.

My reflection: This mom wrote the above message to me following Dr. MacAfee’s entry about The Terror of Addiction. Her words inspire me as she acknowledges the pain and has the courage to speak out. My love and gratitude to all the parents who extend a hand to help others who suffer the greatest loss of all.

Today’s Promise to consider: When my heart is most broken, I want to go under and hide, but today I will open my arms to my pain and accept that God is shaping the stone of my spirit. I’ll allow myself to be transformed into the grateful dancer God wants me to be.

MEETING AVERSION WITH COMPASSION

IMG_3792Jeff sent me a passage from a text he’s reading, Aversion is not the enemy; it is just the normal reaction of the mind and body to pain. Whatever the hurt we feel – whether of mind, body or emotion – our biological survival mechanism tries to get rid of it. The problem is that we don’t actually have the ability to escape from all of the painful experiences in life. It can’t be done. The good news is that by greeting those painful moments and feelings with compassion, we decrease our personal suffering and bring about an experience of well being.

My reaction: Facing a situation that is uncomfortable or painful is difficult. This can be as simple as having to clean the house or exercise, where I can think of ten things to do first like checking email or calling someone on the phone before I start. In this way, I avert facing what is unpleasant and substitute distractions that give me pleasure. Aversion can also be complicated and lead to huge trouble like drugs. Jeff tells me that drugs help in the same way, “Instead of facing painful situations, drugs allowed me to deaden my senses and go under.” Some people might use food or shopping, others might use pornography or drugs.

Today’s Promise to consider: When life becomes painful, I can find many ways to avoid or avert it – from the small tasks to the big problems. Today, I will face my problems without anger or disdain. I’ll see clearly the difficulty, call it out by name and face it with compassion for myself and others.

 

 

 

STAYING IN GRATITUDE

IMG_8282-2 2A mom, who has two addicted sons, wrote to me, Today is my older son’s 8th anniversary of sobriety! He turned his life around at age 20. Unbelievable! So much to be grateful for.

My reflection: The trauma of addiction changed me forever. Even though Jeff has been sober for seven years, I am quick to project into the future, trying to prepare for any potential calamity, whether it has to do with addiction or not. My Dad used to tell, “Don’t build straw men,” meaning that worries are often unfounded, made of straw. The best antidote for my worrying nature is to stay in gratitude.

Today’s Promise to consider: When I begin to feel worry and concern – both real and projected – I need to step back and do an inventory of all the good things in my life. Feeling grateful is the oxygen I need to breathe easier and to better serve my family, community and myself.

 

THE TERROR OF ADDICTION

jeff - dark.jpgDr. MacAfee told me, In the world of addiction, losing a child is the terror that threatens parents. When death happens, there is never closure. In time, a parent can not think about it, but it’s always there. A mother once told me, “I sleep now because the worse that could happen has happened.” Parents try to live with the pain and go on, but the pain is never alleviated. It never goes away.

My reflection: The above conversation happened because I asked Dr. MacAfee to explain the idea of, “A time to mourn and a time to dance.” I wanted to understand the shift from grief to acceptance, and eventual contentment. As we talked, I realized that even today, after seven years of Jeff living a sober life, I can still feel the knife that cuts through my body when I remember his active addiction years. What must a parent feel who loses a child? The pain is unimaginable.

Today’s Promise to consider: Grief does get better, lighter. In time and with spirituality, the grief subsides. Today, I acknowledge that addiction reigns terror and destruction. If the worst happens to me and my family, I must put one foot in front of the other. I must go on.

 

 

 

 

LIVING IN FEAR NO MORE

Lib - Tree - 1_1A mother wrote to me: I’m afraid and I’m giving up. Recovery was going well, I thought. Making meetings, new job he likes, nice girlfriend…I was beginning to trust and hope. In the last week, money taken from my purse, relapse, violation of probation. Now it’s back to court and maybe prison this time. I can’t do this again.

My reflection: Hope is fragile and fear is powerful. I wonder why fear seems to be stronger than hope? I don’t know, but I do know that there were times when I felt like giving up on prayer and giving into fear. When addiction rises up again and again, knocking us to the ground, we feel crushed and confused. But if we lose faith and hope, all is lost. We need to stay close to our children, but our children need to fight their own battles.

Today’s Promise: I am only human and sometimes I feel as though I can’t go on. But I will and I’ll go on in hope. I refuse to sacrifice my life at the altar of fear.

“We can’t be armor for our children. We can only be supporting troops.” Irwin Shaw

 

TWENTY-SEVEN MONTHS

IMG_1082A recovering addict wrote to me:
27 months.
Upward, outward.
Freedom, Choices.
Autonomy.
The miracle of contented sobriety.
From the fiery wreckage of one life, the sprigs of a new life emerge…
for me, for my family, and for those around me.
Hope is available through God-dependence and service to others.

My reflection: This young man’s words are full of promise and gratitude. His chains of addiction now broken, his life is an example of sobriety in action. This is powerful and reminds those of us who love addicts that a sober life is indeed possible.

Today’s Promise to consider: When we feel desperate, at our wits-end, and ready to give up, let us remember that where there is life there is hope. For today, I’ll hold on to this recovering addict’s words, “From the fiery wreckage of one life, the sprigs of a new life emerge…Hope is available through God-dependence and service to others.”

GOSSIP: PLUCKING A GUINEA HEN

Gossip-3

Jeff shared a story with me: “One day an Elder told a novice to go fetch a guinea hen. When he returned with it, the Elder told him to pluck it. The novice obeyed, and when he was finished, the Elder said, “Now, put all the feathers back.” Bewildered, the novice finally protested, “But it’s already plucked! I can’t put the feathers back.” “Correct,” the Elder replied, “and it’s the same when you say bad things about your brothers. You pluck away at their reputation, and if you keep on, it may be lost forever.”

My reflection: Gossip is a part of any community. I remember how awful it felt knowing that people were talking about Jeff and our family’s problems. In fact, in Stay Close, I wrote, “Convinced that Jeff was a major topic of conversation in the school, I spiraled into a kind of paranoia.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction is perfect fodder for gossip, but it is destructive and does no good. Today, I won’t be a part of it and will refuse to pluck away at someone’s reputation or integrity. I’ll be mindful of what I say and will respond with compassion and respect.

 

 

 

 

 

REBIRTH IN RECOVERY: A LITTLE LIKE EASTER

 

Jeff and Jeremy, 1982

Jeff and Jeremy, 1982

A mom wrote to me: My daughter’s addiction was without doubt the darkest time in my life. She was not dead, but she may as well have been; the loving, beautiful, tender-hearted girl I’d raised and loved was lost to me. Thanks to the Grace of God, Al-Anon, and more than a few very wise counselors, I was able to get out of her way and wait patiently and hopefully  – often fearfully – for a change. Now in our eighth year of recovery, every morning feels a little like Easter to me. It’s vital for those of us who have experienced this special kind of rebirth, even for short periods of time, to serve as a witness of hope to others who are in that desperate and dark place.

My reflection: Rebirth, that time when our addicted loved ones come back to themselves and to us, can happen. Everyday, I give thanks that Jeff came home, most importantly to himself. Everyday, I am grateful that we have him for one more day. Everyday, I pray that he continues to make good choices.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction’s lair is filled with stories of both victory and of deep loss. I acknowledge there are no guarantees for sobriety, but I am grateful today for my son’s health. My sons and I celebrate all those who have found their way out of the grips of addiction. It’s a journey of courage and rebirth.

 

 

 

 

 

SIXTEEN YEARS LATER: WHERE THERE IS LIFE THERE IS HOPE

photo-3_2 2A mom wrote: I am an ever-recovering mother of a recovering, healing addict. After sixteen years of using, tomorrow is my son’s one-year anniversary. Take heart, take heart. Never give up hope.

My reflection: There were many times I wanted to give up hope that Jeff would ever be well. I felt that if I could just cut his addiction out of my life that the suffocating agony would end. The pain of hoping that Jeff would turn his life around was just too excruciating. It took me years to realize that I had no control over the addiction and that chasing him around was folly. But I could never quit praying, believing and hoping that one day Jeff would return to himself and to us. And fourteen years later, he did.

Today’s Promise to consider: Stories of recovery are important whether our loved one is in active addiction or not. Jeff once asked me to never quit believing and I didn’t. For today, we’ll find the courage to continue to believe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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