libbycataldi, Author at Stay Close Blog

Nov 21, 2013

STAYING IN GRATITUDE: PART 3

by libbycataldi under Dialogue, Faith, Gratitude

Henri Nouwen, Dutch philosopher and theologist, wrote in Here and Now, Joy is not the same as happiness. We can be unhappy about many things, but joy can still be there. Joy does not simply happen to us – it is a choice. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day. Each day, whatever may have happened, is a day to be grateful for.

My reflection: Nouwen says that joy and unhappiness can coexist. I used to think that one excluded the other and sometimes, especially in moments of deep trauma like Jeff’s addiction, I was overwhelmed with such great unhappiness that I didn’t allow joy a space in my life. Nouwen goes on to say that joy is a choice that is ours to make, regardless of what is happening in our daily lives. Although we might be unhappy in the moment, it does not need to extinguish our joy.

Today’s Promise to consider: Bad things happen to good people. At times, I might feel deeply unhappy, but I refuse to allow it to eliminate my joy. Today, I choose to stay in gratitude. All I have is today and I choose not to waste it.

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Nov 14, 2013

STAYING IN GRATITUDE: PART 2

by libbycataldi under Communication, Gratitude, Hope, Recovery

A recovering addict wrote to me, I want to thank you. Your story inspired me to get to the point I am today. I read your book while being incarcerated and then passed it on to my mom. She read it and never lost hope in me, even though I am sure it was very hard at times, especially when I lost hope in myself. We now have the best relationship that we’ve ever had.

I didn’t truly know what it was like to be happy at the time, but now with just shy of a year clean I am truly happy. It’s amazing how much your life can change in just one year. I thank God for everyday I’m still alive.

My reflection: This young man is the hero. He fought for himself and his family. He is happy today, living a sober life and enjoying an honest relationship with himself and his mother. We celebrate his year of sobriety and we celebrate his today. We say thank you right back.

When my sons and I joined together to tell our story, publishing our fourteen-year tragedy was the last thing I expected to do. I wrote out of pain. But today is a new day and Jeff has been living a sober life for seven years. He is happy and our family is forever grateful that he came home to himself and to us.

Today’s Promise to consider: We will continue to reach out and help others. We won’t allow fear and shame to keep us silent or to suffocate our hope. Today, we choose to stay in gratitude.

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Nov 7, 2013

STAYING IN GRATITUDE: PART I

by libbycataldi under family, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Hope

Jeff and niece Iysa

A mother wrote, My son is in active addiction. Last year, one day before Thanksgiving, he called home asking if he could come the next day to our family dinner. I asked everyone, including his brothers, and we all agreed we wanted him here. He brought flowers: two for me, and two for each of his grammas. I am grateful that our family was able to see that even though my son was in the throes of addiction and all the ugliness that goes with it, our son and his heart were still there.

My reflection: This entry reminds me of the time when I had a bilateral mastectomy and Jeff, still in active addiction, wanted to help me. For as chaotic as his life was then, I decided to find something positive in that moment, the humanity still present inside this child of mine. I asked him to wash my hair in the kitchen sink because I couldn’t raise my arms above my head. He washed, dried and styled my hair. He asked me if he had done a good job. I wrote:

I could see in his face the concerted effort this task required of him, but he never gave up. My son, my chameleon son, this was the tender child I remembered, the kid I knew, and I wondered how could such kindness be contrasted with such self destruction; the polarity, the duplicity was undeniable. But I looked at my boy who was now a young man and I replied, with a smile, “Yes, Jeff, it’s perfect. Better than my hairdresser in fact.” He returned my smile, going along with this loving game, played with a hair dryer and a brush.

Today’s Promise to consider: Beauty is all around us, but we need to open our eyes and our hearts to see it. Within the beauty, there is hope. Today, I choose to stay in gratitude.

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Oct 31, 2013

TWO PARENTS: ONE STORY, PART 5

by libbycataldi under Abstinence, Acceptance, Communication, Faith, family, meditation

Final in the series: Gratitude for the Journey of Addiction

A mom wrote, My son has been sober for almost two years. We are grateful for this victory, but I am also grateful for the difficult journey. I know this sounds crazy, but I would not have the relationship with my son that I have today if we had not traveled that long and challenging road together. It was not easy. At times, I thought I would fade away.

I am beginning to reclaim my life. And so is my son. It is not easy. For me, it means confronting a lot of grief, but I know I must go through this to be whole again.

Our son began his freshman year of college in August. So far so good. He is proclaiming his recovery in a mighty way. I know that the bumps may come, and I struggle with this; however, I am learning to let him live his own life.

A mom wrote, I remember the first time I was able to say honestly in an Al-Anon meeting that I was grateful for my son’s addiction, and I still today believe it with my whole heart. Although at times I am tempted to wish the dreams I had for my son (in this order: college, good job, marriage, children) had happened, I know that I wouldn’t trade the young man he is today for any “normal” 23 year old, who followed the “expected” path.

Today’s Promise to Consider: Thank you to all who share their stories of hope and strength. We join hands to bring addiction out of the darkness and into the light. We’ll keep reaching out to help another. We’ll stay in gratitude.

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Oct 24, 2013

ONE PARENT: ONE STORY, PART 4

by libbycataldi under Communication, Faith, family, Gratitude, Hope

Her son sent this photo during his morning shift at work

One Mother’s Story: An Angel in the Making

A treasured friend once said, “Addicts are angels in the making.” Six years ago I never would have believed that. Today I am watching a miracle unfold.

When my son was a senior in high school, I shrugged off his failing interest in class to senioritis. After all, he had been accepted into a major university honors program for that fall. So why worry?

Then one evening his favorite teacher phoned. My son’s friends were worried he was in the wrong crowd and smoking marijuana.

And so, the spiral began. An “innocent” experiment with marijuana erupted into a full blown addiction to prescription painkillers, heroin and other drugs. Freshman year he failed college and moved home. Working part-time and attending our local community college barely masked his growing sickness. Finally, faced with the choice of inpatient rehab or our turning him out on the streets, (where we got the courage to take that stand I’ll never know) he agreed to inpatient rehab.

Thirteen days into the program he was kicked out for using. Clearly, he wasn’t ready to stop. He agreed to another facility where he learned some coping skills. Next stop: a halfway house in Florida. It took another full year and a fresh, 105-day program before sobriety and recovery took hold.

As we know, addiction is a family disease. Once our son entered his first rehab program, a family therapist asked me, “Your son is getting treatment. What are you going to do for yourselves?” Al-Anon became our answer. I soon found a group with parents suffering the same anguish. My husband attended with me and we quickly became regulars.

Al Anon saved our lives – just as the 12-step program and his own spiritual awakening saved our son. Today, he’s been clean 21 months – a miracle considering where he was. Each day is cause for celebration. There are mornings I ooze gratitude. Our son is not just “clean.” He’s rebuilding his life. Active in his own home group, attending meetings regularly, he also sponsors others. He works two jobs and this semester is trying school again at a local community college.

But what’s best is having him back in our lives. We talk about addiction. We swap stories about our groups and our shared progress. He offers encouragement – to us!! And he offers to talk with anyone who is suffering.

Today, I am so grateful. And today is all we have.

Sometimes, when my son works the morning shift at his hotel, he texts me a picture of the sunrise over the ocean. I cry for the beauty he sees and for the man he is becoming. An angel in the making.

Today’s Promise to Consider: This is one mother’s story. We join together to share our experience, strength and hope. We bring addiction out of the darkness and share our truths.

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Oct 17, 2013

ONE PARENT: ONE STORY, Part 3

by libbycataldi under Faith, family, Recovery, Relapse, Stay Close

One mother’s story: The Chaos of Addiction

My sons are sober today and everyday I am grateful, but I remember well where my family was just four years ago. Both my sons were using heroin daily, the older one had just lost his job due to drug use and the younger one was on the verge of losing his. I was literally trying to keep everyone alive and out of jail. I had spent thousands of dollars on inpatient and outpatient treatments, hospitalizations, property damages, lawyers, therapists, “new starts,” apartments and cars.

At that time, our lives were never ending drug chaos. I was working full time and every day one or the other son was out of money, no gas to get to work or had left their uniform somewhere so they couldn’t go to work, not answering their phone which led me to believe they might have overdosed, lying all the time, screaming outbursts and calling me horrible names, pounding their fists on my car, trashing apartments with their drug buddies, getting arrested, pawn shops, creditors and lying some more.

At one point, my older son went into a local facility to detox, but had someone bring heroin to the facility. The mental health counselor told my son flat out, “I have been treating junkies for many years and you can’t beat this on your own.” Hearing him use that word was horrifying, but it was exactly what both my sons had become.

Life was one chaotic day after another. Looking back I don’t know how we survived. They both needed long-term treatment. When they were forced to face the consequences of their addiction, that’s what finally happened. I helped them find places to go, negotiate the paperwork and transportation and did whatever it took to get them there. Fortunately, they finally chose to change their lives. And they did.

Today’s Promise to Consider: This is one mother’s story. We join together to share our experience, strength and hope. We bring addiction out of the darkness and share our truths.

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Oct 10, 2013

ONE PARENT: ONE STORY, Part 2

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dialogue, Faith, Recovery, Relapse, Stay Close

One mother’s story:

It’s been a very rough week, but we’ve been down this road before – one too many times. We asked our son to move out. Two days ago he did. His disease is showing signs of progressing and it is damaging to others in this house. He is causing damage to my other son and I cannot stand by and watch this while he continues not to work a program we all feel he needs. We have given him so much support over the past decade and now it is time to say enough. I told him I loved him, but not the behaviors we have become aware of – a direct result of not truly working a program of RECOVERY. At twenty-eight, he needs to stand on his own. He needs to feel “The Gift of Desperation.” When nothing changes, nothing changes. That was the basis for our action.

I doubt myself at times There are no easy answers with this disease. We need to back off, detach with love, and let him be the captain of whatever kind of ship he wants to sail. I am not adjusting my sails anymore. I have my life vest on and I will not sink. He can choose his own course from this point. I am not going to be his GPS or map.

This disease forces us to make such difficult decisions, but I would be unable to do it without the support of my program of recovery. I always remember the saying not to deny an addict his pain.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Today’s Promise to Consider: This is one mother’s story. We join together to share our experience, strength and hope. We bring addiction out of the darkness and share our truths.

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Oct 3, 2013

ONE PARENT: ONE STORY, Part I

by libbycataldi under Communication, family, Gratitude, Hope, Jeff, Jeremy, Uncategorized

*Part I of a series where, each week, one mother or father will share a personal story about addiction.

Sharing my thoughts: The Big Book of AA talks about sharing our “experience, strength and hope.” And that is what Jeff, Jeremy and I strive to do. Our family made many mistakes, but we believe that through the sharing of our experience, we all benefit. I have talked with enough parents and spouses of alcoholics and addicts to know that we can learn from each other. In our pain, we begin to understand; in our collective stories, we listen to find hope; in our love, we continue to believe.

My reflection: I remain humble in the face of addiction and always try to avoid giving advice. Addiction is confounding and I have only one story to tell – my own. But I also live every day in a space of gratitude that Jeff is good today. He is sober and living a productive life. It is through sharing our personal narratives that we learn.

Today’s Promise to Consider: I’m one mother with one story. I don’t have the answers to solving addiction, but I will tell my story of experience, strength and hope. I will share my truths.

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Sep 26, 2013

PAY ATTENTION TO THE COINCIDENCES

by libbycataldi under Communication, Faith, Recovery

A mom wrote to me, Everyday I am reminded that there are too many random coincidences to ignore. You think you do something to help someone, but that is not the plan, at least not for now. In my case, it was a conversation over dinner where I said, “Oh, my neighbor went through an addiction with her son and she wrote a book about it.” This led to a random dad reading your book and gaining a sense of hope and realizing that what he is going through and feeling – others have been down this road as well. Amazing how God works.

My reflection: I am reminded of something that Jeff wrote, In 2005, when I was at the ranch and trying again to get clean, I fought everything, but most of all I fought the notion of something spiritual. But I couldn’t escape it. It was in everything attached to the program. I told my sponsor that the God thing would never make sense to me and I needed to find something else. He laughed and said simply, “I don’t give a damn what you believe – just pay attention to the coincidences.” So I did. And that’s when things changed.

Today’s Promise to consider: I believe that living things are interconnected. Today, I will be a witness to the flow of life. Whether I call this force God, my Higher Power, Being or the Universe, I will keep an open mind and pay attention to the coincidences.

“Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous.” – Albert Einstein, The World as I See It

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Sep 19, 2013

THE IRONY OF ADDICTION

by libbycataldi under Communication, Jeff, Recovery

Jeff and I were talking, and he said, Addiction masquerades as ecstasy. Early on, drugs deliver good times and excitement, but ultimately, as addiction takes hold, they are the direct road to destruction and chaos. For the addict, the irony of this is confusing and extremely hard to reconcile.

My reaction: Dr. MacAfee once told me, “Even a kiss can disappoint. It’s never the same. That’s what is so addictive about drugs. The high is always the same, always there. It never disappoints” … until finally the addict realizes the same dependable high is destroying his life.

Today’s Promise to consider: Drugs and alcohol have a tenacious grasp on addicts. The fight to sobriety is one I don’t know, but I pray my loved one finds the strength and courage to rip off the mask from addiction’s face to see his falseness, his duplicity.

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