TOLERANCE

IMG_0977Tara Brach wrote: We can too easily ignore or dismiss people when they are of a different race or religion, when they come from a different socioeconomic class. Assessing them as either superior or inferior, better or worse, important or unimportant, we distance ourselves. As a result, those around us – even family and friends – can become unreal, two-dimensional cardboard figures, not humans with wants and fears and throbbing hearts.

(Tara Brach is an American psychologist and proponent of Buddhist meditation. This passage is paraphrased from her book, Radical Acceptance.)

My reaction: Jeff once told me, “Society loathes addicts and addicts loathe themselves.” It has been my experience that addicts are severely marginalized and minimized. They’re often viewed as part of a ‘throw-away society.’

Today’s Promise to consider: Addicts are often disregarded and considered a menace to society. While this can be true at times, as the mother of a recovering addict, I never quit believing that my son’s humanity was alive underneath the disease. Today, I’ll treat everyone with tolerance and love, recognizing that even though he might feel different from me, she is God’s child with wants and fears and a throbbing heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

FINDING OUR VOICE

IMG_0705Father Dan at Camaldoli Hermitage told a story: about a nun, who was being faced with an unpopular decision in her community and, therefore, afraid to voice her opinion. Her recurring dreams played out this fear.

In her dream, she was being chased down an alley by a huge, menacing figure, but the alley was a dead end. Each night, in her dream, she cowered against the wall at the end of the alley and under the shadow of the monster, afraid to turn around. Finally, one night, in her dream, she turned, faced the monster and pulled out of the holster at her side two guns and aimed them at the demon. It melted and became a beautiful prince.

My reflection: Father Dan explained that our dreams give us access to our unconscious and play out the conflicts that we experience in our everyday life. In the dream sequence above, when the nun finally found the courage to speak out in community, her tormentor melted away. When Jeff was in active addiction, terror plagued me and my dreams played out those fears, until I, too, faced the demon.

Today’s Promise to consider: Finding our voice is an important part of our recovery and maintaining health. There are times when I’ve been afraid to voice my opinion for fear of rejection or an angry response. Holding my voice back feels like a cancer slowing growing inside me. Today, I will say what I need to say in love and with respect.

 

 

 

 

LOVING AND DETACHING

JB - 2.jpgA mom wrote to me, My son was living at home, staying off drugs, working at a job and working out, but he left today. I told him I loved him with a heavy heart! This was our last time of letting him live with us…now he needs to be the change if he wants it. Love and detach…stay close…..so hard. We offered him treatment. My prayer is that he stays safe. God give me the strength to accept this.

My reflection: Loving and detaching – I struggled with this dichotomy for years. How could I love my son and detach at the same time? But in the end, it was the blending of these two that made the difference in my son’s life. I learned to stay close, but out of the chaos. I answered his calls and texts, but I finally moved out of the way.

Today’s Promise to consider: Dealing with addiction is counterintuitive: I need to stay close and continue to love my addicted child, but I also need to protect myself from the consequences of his choices. Today, I will accept that he needs to make the decision to change his life. I need to accept, surrender and pray for strength, for both of us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NO BLAME

Jeff and niece Iysa

Jeff and niece Iysa

A mother wrote to me: My son was a star athlete in high school and at age seventeen began his downward spiral into this insidious disease. I taught in the school district that he attended so it was doubly hard getting calls just about every day from the RN to take him for a drug test. He fell asleep in class or didn’t even show up for school. I blamed myself – his dad and I had separated before this nightmare began so I assumed he took drugs to medicate himself or to use as a band-aid.

My reaction: We parents often blame ourselves for our child’s addiction. When our child is broken and ill, we would rather point to anyone, even ourselves, before we blame our addicted loved one. We feel powerless and assigning fault comes easily in moments of crisis.

Today’s Promise:Many experts say that addiction is an illness. Who is to blame for this illness? I will blame no one. Our family is affected by addiction. I will accept it, find strength in God and my recovering community, and go forward.

WHAT IS ENABLING?

IMG_1696A mother wrote to me:What is enabling? Webster’s dictionary says, “to make possible, practical, or easy.” How simple this sounds. Why would a parent want to make it easy for a child to destroy himself? My aunt said to me yesterday, “You need to have guidelines and discipline in your house.” I just thought to myself: I would love to have that. I am a mom trying to raise three kids and one is an addict. I am not so sure what rules I am to follow.

My reflection: Dr. MacAfee says enabling is anything that maintains the status quo, the pattern of behavior that’s currently in place. Trying to break the status quo required me to step back and allow Jeff to face the consequences of his addiction, which was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Saying ‘no’ to my son and staying close without withdrawing love took me fourteen years to learn.

Today’s Promise to consider:Today, I will not enable my loved one to maintain the status quo, the patterns that are destroying his life. I will let him feel the consequences of his addiction. I will stay close, but out of the chaos.

 

 

 

 

COURAGE IS FEAR THAT HAS SAID ITS PRAYERS

jb_courage_1 copy A mom wrote to me, My recovering son told me he still has a lot of fear, and sometimes it holds him back, even from doing wonderful things in his life like meeting friends, going back to school, applying for a new job or going on a date. I guess this is normal – many of us have fears – but how much harder it must be for a recovering addict.

My reflection: Dr. MacAfee says that addiction is the loss of self and that recovery of self is a transformative process that takes time and perseverance. When Jeff made the decision to live a sober life, I told him, “You have a lot of courage to do this again, Jeff.” He paused and then said quietly, almost to himself, “Courage? That’s a word rarely used with addicts. Yeah, it takes courage.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Recovery offers our loved ones the freedom to rediscover their identity and, in time, their real and authentic personalities emerge. Today, I will recognize the enormity of this fight and the tenacity it takes for them to face and win this battle. For me, I must trust God and work diligently my program of recovery so that fear is replaced with courage.

 

 

 

FAMILIES: LEARNING TO LOVE THEMSELVES

photo 6In response to last week’s meditation, a mom wrote to me, I find not only the addicts don’t love themselves, but their family members  – especially a spouse or parent – feel the same about themselves. What a vicious disease – robbing both the addict and someone close to him of self-love.

My reflection: Addiction is a family disease that often leaves us feeling guilty, shamed and devoid of self-love. When Jeff was in active addiction, I spent most days tangled within the illness, blaming myself and wondering what I could have done differently. As a mom, I wanted to fix things and drive addiction out of our home, but it doesn’t work that way. I was powerless and my sense of guilt was counterproductive.

Today’s Promise to consider: I can’t blame anyone for my loved one’s addiction because there is no blame. It just is. Today I will take care of myself by doing the things I know promote health and peace. I will pray, rely on my support group and reach out to the people around me who are suffering.

MEETING AVERSION WITH COMPASSION

IMG_3792Jeff sent me a passage from a text he’s reading, Aversion is not the enemy; it is just the normal reaction of the mind and body to pain. Whatever the hurt we feel – whether of mind, body or emotion – our biological survival mechanism tries to get rid of it. The problem is that we don’t actually have the ability to escape from all of the painful experiences in life. It can’t be done. The good news is that by greeting those painful moments and feelings with compassion, we decrease our personal suffering and bring about an experience of well being.

My reaction: Facing a situation that is uncomfortable or painful is difficult. This can be as simple as having to clean the house or exercise, where I can think of ten things to do first like checking email or calling someone on the phone before I start. In this way, I avert facing what is unpleasant and substitute distractions that give me pleasure. Aversion can also be complicated and lead to huge trouble like drugs. Jeff tells me that drugs help in the same way, “Instead of facing painful situations, drugs allowed me to deaden my senses and go under.” Some people might use food or shopping, others might use pornography or drugs.

Today’s Promise to consider: When life becomes painful, I can find many ways to avoid or avert it – from the small tasks to the big problems. Today, I will face my problems without anger or disdain. I’ll see clearly the difficulty, call it out by name and face it with compassion for myself and others.

 

 

 

STAYING IN GRATITUDE

IMG_8282-2 2A mom, who has two addicted sons, wrote to me, Today is my older son’s 8th anniversary of sobriety! He turned his life around at age 20. Unbelievable! So much to be grateful for.

My reflection: The trauma of addiction changed me forever. Even though Jeff has been sober for seven years, I am quick to project into the future, trying to prepare for any potential calamity, whether it has to do with addiction or not. My Dad used to tell, “Don’t build straw men,” meaning that worries are often unfounded, made of straw. The best antidote for my worrying nature is to stay in gratitude.

Today’s Promise to consider: When I begin to feel worry and concern – both real and projected – I need to step back and do an inventory of all the good things in my life. Feeling grateful is the oxygen I need to breathe easier and to better serve my family, community and myself.

 

LIVING IN FEAR NO MORE

Lib - Tree - 1_1A mother wrote to me: I’m afraid and I’m giving up. Recovery was going well, I thought. Making meetings, new job he likes, nice girlfriend…I was beginning to trust and hope. In the last week, money taken from my purse, relapse, violation of probation. Now it’s back to court and maybe prison this time. I can’t do this again.

My reflection: Hope is fragile and fear is powerful. I wonder why fear seems to be stronger than hope? I don’t know, but I do know that there were times when I felt like giving up on prayer and giving into fear. When addiction rises up again and again, knocking us to the ground, we feel crushed and confused. But if we lose faith and hope, all is lost. We need to stay close to our children, but our children need to fight their own battles.

Today’s Promise: I am only human and sometimes I feel as though I can’t go on. But I will and I’ll go on in hope. I refuse to sacrifice my life at the altar of fear.

“We can’t be armor for our children. We can only be supporting troops.” Irwin Shaw

 

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