family Archives - Page 15 of 27

Jan 28, 2016

CAN WE FORCE SOBRIETY?

by libbycataldi under Abstinence, Courage, Faith, family, Recovery

Photo Credit: Mikele Roselli-Cecconi

A recovering addict told me, You know, you can’t force sobriety on anybody. Cause Mum tried everything. She gave me money, didn’t give me money, made me go to rehab, didn’t make me go to rehab, drove down four or five hours to pick me up, and on the other hand left me somewhere. Nothing worked. No matter how many rehabs I’ve done or how many counselors or meetings I went to, I never got it, until one day I was just sick of it and had enough.

My reflection: Over the years, I tried countless ways to force sobriety on Jeff. I threatened him that if he didn’t go to rehab I would never give him another cent or allow him to come home again. One time, I told him that I would cut him out of my will. I cried, yelled and bargained. I would have sold my soul if that would have made the difference.

Today’s Promise to consider: We can try to force our loved ones into sobriety, and it might work for some. For my son, it never did. I learned that it didn’t matter if the treatment center had a swimming pool, horseback riding or massages. I learned that my son had to be ready to change, and that happened when the pain of his using became too much for him to bear. I thank God every day that he came back home to himself and us.

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Jan 21, 2016

TAKING CARE OF OURSELVES

by libbycataldi under Courage, family

Jeff gave me a book for Christmas and this morning I read, If you are unable to take care of yourself, how can you take care of anyone else? How can you take care of the person you love? When you are here for yourself, when you have reestablished some basic order and peace within yourself, then you can take care of your son, your daughter, your partner, or your friend. But if you are not able to be here for yourself, it will not be possible for you to be here for them. That’s why you must come back to yourself.

(You are Here, Thich Nhat Hanh, pg. 58)

My reflection: When Jeff was in the throes of his addiction, I was not present for myself, nor was I present for anyone else – not Jeremy, not Tim, not my parents, not even Jeff. How could I be there for someone else when I was drowning in my own pain and confusion, and choking on my own anger and resentment. On the rare occasion that I did something for myself, I felt guilty.

Today’s Promise to consider: We, parents of addicted children, invariably lose ourselves in the endless string of negative consequences addiction brings with it. As a result, we are not present for ourselves, our struggling loved ones or our family members. Thich Nhat Hanh tells us that taking care of ourselves must be a priority so that we are able to take care of those around us. Today, I will do something kind for myself.

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Jan 14, 2016

CHASING THE HIGH

by libbycataldi under family, Jeff, Recovery, Stay Close

Photo Credit: Mikele Roselli-Cecconi

A recovering addict told me, When you’re an addict, you don’t think about anybody else. No one. The only thing you think about is drugs and getting high. And I didn’t realize until getting healthy how much the families of addicts suffer. They have emotions. We’re addicts, we’re numb to everything, we’re medicated away from society, away from emotions. I don’t know how my mum and sister lived with those kinds of emotions for so long.

My reflection: When Jeff was sick with addiction, I couldn’t understand how this child of mine – so elegant and cultured – could be living in his car, shooting heroin into his neck and getting arrested time and time again. He went into the same detox center so often the intake officer told him, “Get out of here. We’re not a hotel.” He hit countless bottoms. I couldn’t imagine it getting worse. It always did.

Today’s promise to consider: Our loved ones don’t think about us when they’re on the chase for the high. They are totally focused on getting and using drugs. We, as family, don’t enter their minds, and on the rare occasions that we do, the pursuit of drugs silences our voices. I’ll stay close and wait for him to remember that he is loved.

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Jan 7, 2016

WHEN HE IS SOBER, HE HAS A HEART OF GOLD

by libbycataldi under Faith, family, Hope, Jeff, Stay Close

A mother wrote to me: My son earned his college degree in May, but a few months later his life was spiraling out of control. He ended up in his first rehab in September. Soon after entering, he walked out even though we begged him to stay. A few months later, he entered his second rehab and walked out again, saying that he would try outpatient group. Then he was on suboxone and had to report to a group once a week. He entered another rehab last summer for a month, trying to get clean again. He came out of rehab his old self. When he is sober, he has a heart of pure gold!

My reflection: Our children are alive under the drugs, but the chaos of their using inevitably fogs all that is good, turning their best qualities against them. It is hard to remember their gentleness, especially when our loved one has been using for a long time. Addiction steals our child’s soul and gobbles his heart.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will not allow addiction to win. My child is alive under the drugs and I will not give up hope. I know my son’s heart is compassionate, loving and kind. I will stay close, pray and wait until he throws off the chains of his addiction and comes home to himself and to us.

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Dec 31, 2015

SOCIAL MEDIA: ENVY AND ADDICTION

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, family, Gratitude

Nonna and Granddaughter

Researchers in Germany found that one third of the Facebook users they studied reported that time spent on the social networking site left them feeling frustrated and angry. The primary source of those negative feelings? Envy. Facebook sets the stage for envy with its endless opportunities to compare ourselves to others.

(Tricycle, The Buddhist Review, Fall 2015, pg. 104)

My reflection: The results of this study make total sense to me, especially during the holidays. When Jeff was sick with addiction, I flip-flopped between feeling joy and sometimes envy for my friend’s good fortunes. Silently I asked myself: Why them? Why their children? Why not mine? I felt deep sadness for my own disappointments and all the things they seemed to have that I didn’t. Smiling faces and snapshots of their family’s achievements were steady reminders that my son wasn’t doing similar great things and, in fact, was destroying himself.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will start the New Year with gratitude for what is good in my life. I will work to counter feelings of envy and jealousy by being joyful for other’s successes. Today I’ll remember that my life is my life and it’s all I have. There’s always something for which to be grateful.

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Dec 10, 2015

MY FIGHT SONG

by libbycataldi under Courage, Faith, family, Recovery

Rachel Platten sings Fight Song and the lyrics remind me of something a friend wrote to me: One time during my career I was feeling like there was no hope. Just then a fellow employee told me a few words that I have never forgotten and I apply them to all aspects of my life, “It’s never over unless you quit.”

My reflection: Fight Song and the words from my friend, “It’s never over unless you quit,” blend together with something my dad once told me. When Jeff was embroiled in his addiction, I asked my father, “When can I quit worrying? When he’s 18, when he’s 21? When, Dad?” His response was clear, “When you’re a parent, there is no quit.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Life can be difficult and addiction can be suffocating, but “It’s never over unless you quit.” The lyrics of Fight Song speak to our need to be strong for ourselves and those we love.

This is my fight song

Take back my life song…

And I don’t really care if nobody else believes

‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

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Nov 26, 2015

GRATITUDE: ONE DAY AT A TIME

by libbycataldi under Courage, Faith, family, Gratitude

A mother wrote to me: Today, I’m grateful. My son, who has been addicted for years, finally chose to turn his life around after he was shot in a drug deal. He still carries the bullet an inch from his spine, too risky to remove. He has ten months sober and is living in a sober house. It’s all such a blur to me now, but today he’s good. One day at a time.

My reflection: It’s easy to drown in the baffling chaos that is addiction, but gratitude can serve as an emotional life raft in the face of it. Even if this day is full of sorrow, gratitude helps me to identify the many positive things in my life – as simple as some of them might be.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, Jeff is good and our family is stronger for all we’ve suffered through. I would never say that I’m grateful for addiction, but I am grateful for the lessons learned. Despite what pop culture tells us, happiness is something we work for and I must decide every day to work for it. Gratitude is the gateway. Our family wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving.

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Nov 12, 2015

ACCEPTING FRAGILITIES AND FEARS

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, Courage, family, Forgiveness

Photo Credit: Mikele Roselli-Cecconi

An Italian friend, whose brother is in recovery, wrote to me, Some days ago I read a Raymond Carver poem:

And did you get what

you wanted from this life, even so?

I did.

And what did you want?

To call myself beloved, to feel myself

beloved on the earth.

I hope that all our suffering with addiction, for our family and for my brother, will let him know how much we love him and will push him to love himself – just as he is, without masks and without hating his fragilities and his fears. I hope he will be comforted by our love.

My reflection: What a beautiful gift this young woman wants to give to her brother, the gift of feeling beloved. We, who love those struggling with addiction, have the opportunity to comfort them and provide a safe emotional space in a world that often shames and punishes them.

Today’s Promise to consider: It is undeniable that addiction causes pain and suffering to all of us, both the addict and those of us who love them. From across the ocean, in a message from a friend in Italy, I am reminded today to pray that my loved one feels beloved and that, one day, he will love himself even with his fragilities and fears.

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Nov 5, 2015

IN HONOR OF THEIR JOURNEY

by libbycataldi under Abstinence, Courage, Faith, family, Gratitude, Hope, Recovery

When you meet a clean drug addict

You meet a hero.

Their mortal enemy slumbers within them:

They can never outrun their disability.

They make their way through a world of drug abuse,

In an environment that does not understand them.

Society, puffed up with shameful ignorance,

Looks on them with contempt,

As if they were a second-class citizen 

Because they dare to swim against the stream of drugs

 But you must know:

 No better people are made than this.

~Friedrich von Bodelschwingh 1831-1910

My reflection: Addicts are often considered second-class citizens, junkies, losers and scourges in the community. While it’s true that our loved ones in active addiction are not contributing to society, it’s also true that when they find the strength to live in sobriety, they return to life with a commitment to service, to help others and to make a difference.

Today’s Promise to consider: It takes courage for someone addicted to drugs to pick himself up and to change his life. It takes strength for him to live a life of abstinence. It takes grace for him to serve others and to give back. Today, when I meet a person in recovery, I’ll tip my hat in honor of his journey.

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Oct 29, 2015

FOR EVERY ADDICT, AT LEAST FOUR OTHERS ARE AFFECTED

by libbycataldi under Communication, Courage, Dialogue, family

Cousins: Kevin, Tricia, Diana, Jeff

A mom wrote to me: My cousin’s son is 22 and battling alcoholism. She just visited and, even though she didn’t want to talk about it, I could see the pain she was going through. As a mother of sons, I am grateful that my sons have never had a problem with alcohol or drugs, but I know that it is the luck of the draw. Addiction can happen to anyone. It’s everywhere and it affects families in every walk of life.

My reflection: This mother’s words brought back a difficult memory for me. In Stay Close, I wrote, Grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, no one knew what to do. During the Christmas of 2006, when neither son came home for our large Italian family gatherings, my brothers didn’t know what to say. They didn’t even know whether to invite me to the festivities. The cousins were confused; could they ask about Jeff or would it be kinder to leave him out of the conversation?

Today’s Promise to consider: Research says that for every one addict at least four others are affected. Addiction’s consequences are far-reaching and destructive. Those who love us see our pain, even without us saying a word. They don’t know whether to talk with us about the problem or to stay silent. Addiction is confusing and suffocating. Today, I’ll be communicative and compassionate with my family and friends as we stumble together down this road.

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