Recovery Archives - Page 15 of 20

Sep 19, 2013

THE IRONY OF ADDICTION

by libbycataldi under Communication, Jeff, Recovery

Jeff and I were talking, and he said, Addiction masquerades as ecstasy. Early on, drugs deliver good times and excitement, but ultimately, as addiction takes hold, they are the direct road to destruction and chaos. For the addict, the irony of this is confusing and extremely hard to reconcile.

My reaction: Dr. MacAfee once told me, “Even a kiss can disappoint. It’s never the same. That’s what is so addictive about drugs. The high is always the same, always there. It never disappoints” … until finally the addict realizes the same dependable high is destroying his life.

Today’s Promise to consider: Drugs and alcohol have a tenacious grasp on addicts. The fight to sobriety is one I don’t know, but I pray my loved one finds the strength and courage to rip off the mask from addiction’s face to see his falseness, his duplicity.

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Sep 5, 2013

THE STRUGGLE

by libbycataldi under Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Faith, Forgiveness, Recovery

Dr. MacAfee said, The struggle is part of the addict’s redemption. When the addict gets ‘sick and tired of being sick and tired,’ he realizes that he has pawned his life for the daily chase of dope or alcohol. In that moment of clarity, he acknowledges that life can be so much more, but he must be willing to change everything and fight for it. This can be an intense struggle, but the hard work allows him to redeem himself in order to fulfill life’s promise.

My reaction: We all fall down, some deeper than others. The path back to life, back to our hopes and dreams, is not easy. It is this time between the moment of clarity and the goal of living a renewed, fulfilled life that allows us precious time to learn critical lessons and grow in faith.

Today’s Promise: Today, I admit the mistakes I’ve made and I embrace the struggle before me. I won’t be discouraged by this realization, but I will accept the obstacles in my path. The addict has the opportunity to redeem himself in a life-affirming struggle. So do we all.

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Aug 29, 2013

PLAYING THE TAPE THROUGH

by libbycataldi under Communication, Jeff, Recovery, Relapse

Jeff spoke at a recovery presentation and said, It’s imperative that addicts “play the tape through.” We tend to remember only the good times when using – those times when we were high and having a blast – but we conveniently overlook the fact that the good times usually ended in car crashes, arrests, lost jobs and broken relationships. We need to remember the consequences of our addiction and not just the exciting times in the middle.

My reaction: Addicts tend to overlook the bad times and not play the tape through, but I, too, was guilty of this. When Jeff was sick and faced with the results of his addiction (legal problems, fines, job losses), I wanted to believe that this time was the magic time when my help would make the difference. If I had played the tape through and remembered that my help (usually money) wasn’t the answer, I would have learned sooner to stay close, but out of the chaos.

Today’s Promise to consider: Life is filled with tough decisions, especially when dealing addiction. When I’m faced with them, I’ll play the tape through. I’ll remember the whole story – the good times and also the consequences. The replay button will help me remember where my actions took me in the first place and where they are likely to take me again.

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Aug 22, 2013

GRATITUDE: THE GIFT OF DESPERATION

by libbycataldi under Faith, Gratitude, Jeff, Recovery

Jeff and I were talking about gratitude and he said, Early in my recovery, I was grateful to have had “the gift of desperation” – a state of total surrender and willingness to change at any cost. It happens as a result of hitting rock bottom and realizing true defeat. Most addicts will agree that this is one of the most profound moments in the recovery process.

My reaction: I had never heard of the Gift of Desperation, but it makes sense to me that in the state of desperation we can be most willing to change. When my life was in good shape (or even in moderately good shape), I wasn’t motivated to do anything differently; however, when my life spun into total chaos – when I hit rock bottom and admitted true defeat – I became ready to do whatever was necessary to change my life.

Today’s Promise to consider: The gift of desperation is always waiting for me, but I don’t have to get to this place in order to do something healthy for myself. Today, I will examine my life in an objective way and, if I need to make changes, I will.

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Aug 8, 2013

GRATITUDE: ONE DAY AT A TIME

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Gratitude, Recovery, Relapse

A mom wrote to me: My son’s bottom was getting shot in a drug deal. He still carries the bullet an inch from his spine, too risky to remove. He has ten months of sobriety and is now living in a sober house. It is all such a blur to me. But I’m grateful. He’s good – today.

My reflection: There is a saying that an addict has to hit his bottom before he finds sobriety. I’ve heard another saying from people in recovery, “Just when I hit my bottom, the bottom fell out.” I watched my son hit many bottoms and, each time, I ran in and helped. Jeff fell to bottoms that I never thought were possible, each of them critical in bringing him to a place where he chose sobriety.

Today’s Promise: If my loved one is good today, I am grateful. If he is not good today, I am grateful he is alive and will keep hopeful, praying that one day he might be healthy again. Whatever the circumstance, I will stay close, pray and believe. Recovery happens one day at a time.

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Aug 1, 2013

A FORTRESS IN THE DESERT

by libbycataldi under Communication, Gratitude, Hope, Recovery

I was talking with a friend, and he told me: There was a time in my life when I described my inner self by a visual representation of a fortress in the middle of a desert. My external self was a fortress, an impenetrable stronghold, guarded by a part of me who walked around the top and watched people approach. Inside the fortress was my internal self where there were hundreds of rooms, each one open, inviting, and filled with beautiful decorations. But there was one room that was locked, bare and lit only by a dull blue flame. This is where the most personal part of me resided: Anxious, pushing up against the door to make sure no one entered. Do you understand that I was afraid to let anyone in that room where the ‘real’ me was? When people came to the fortress, the public part of me – the guard – let them in and accompanied them to certain rooms. They were never free to look around or permitted entrance into the locked room. In time, I learned to open my fortress walls and invite people to look around as they wish. The locked room isn’t bolted shut anymore.

My reaction: As I listened to this visual interpretation of my friend’s concept of self, I was intrigued and touched deeply. The fortress described by this young man was one I knew well because I myself had constructed one in much the same manner. Especially through Jeff’s addiction, I closed up my soul, my joy and my availability and allowed no one to enter the room with the dull blue flame. As I continued to do my work with honesty and toward serenity, my locked room isn’t locked anymore.

Today’s Promise to consider: Maybe we all build metaphorical fortresses in the desert that contain open rooms for our public persona and a locked and guarded room to keep our private selves safe. Though I recognize the need to protect myself, today I will break down the doors of my stronghold and allow others, especially those who love me and are in my support group, to see the real me.

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Jul 4, 2013

ENABLING: PART 2

by libbycataldi under Dialogue, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Recovery, Stay Close

Dr. Patrick MacAfee, who for over forty years has worked with addiction, told me, Addicts in active addiction are self-centered and self-obsessed. Because of this, there is room for only one person in the addiction – the addict. In order to maintain his addiction, the addict manipulates, lies and connives. They have to. Parents love them and want to help, but they often unwittingly foster the addiction. It is critical for parents to get out of the way of the consequence of use. When they short-circuit the consequences, they contribute to the addiction. Think of it this way: USING = CONSEQUENCES.

My reaction: I lived in denial for a long time, living in the trap of manipulation that things would get better for Jeff as long as I could fix the problems caused by his addiction. With the help of professionals like Dr. MacAfee, education and Al-Anon meetings, I learned to remove myself from the stickiness of Jeff’s addiction. I had to learn how to stay close in love, but out of the chaos.

Today’s Promise to consider: As parents, we want to help our children by fixing their problems. Sometimes this works, but not with addiction. I will love my child unconditionally, but I cannot control his addiction. I will support his recovery while allowing him to face the consequences of his actions.

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Jun 27, 2013

ENABLING THE ADDICT: PART I

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dialogue, Hope, Recovery

Jeff told me, There is a difference between enabling the addict and supporting his recovery. Active addicts are great liars and manipulators – they have to be because those behaviors help protect the using, the one thing we’re most afraid of losing. Addicts are not trying to hurt their families, but parents are typically the easiest places to find money. It’s helpful when parents support the sobriety process, but often the addict manipulates their desire to help and those resources (money, places to live, cars, etc.) are used to continue using.

My reflection: Jeff’s addiction lasted fourteen years. While it is true that he was in love with drugs, it is also true that I was part of the problem. We once spoke in Oklahoma, and a man in the audience asked Jeff, “If your mother had quit paying for everything, do you think your run with addiction could have been shortened?” Jeff answered, “Addicts need money and we can find it in lots of places, but my mom made it a whole lot easier.”

Today’s Promise to consider: There are times when it’s difficult to see the clear line between enabling and supporting our loved ones. I will allow my sons to feel the consequences of their choices because fixing their problems doesn’t help them. I will give them the opportunity to learn without my interference, but my emotional support is unwavering.

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May 29, 2013

MOTHER-TO-MOTHER: IMPORTANCE OF TRUTH

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, Recovery

A friend and I were talking, and she said: I knew things weren’t good when my son’s emails dropped off my radar. My older son was honest with me and told me that his brother had taken a bad turn. I’m grateful to know the truth because honesty is the key to our recovery: my son’s, my family’s and mine. Without honesty, fear rules the day and I don’t know how to move. With honesty, even when the situation is bad, I know we can push through each setback together.

My reaction: My friend’s words resonate with me, and I’ve lived the same experience. Dr. MacAfee says that addiction needs a lie to live: Addicts need to maintain the lie in order to maintain their addiction. The Big Book of AA says that living a sober life, “demands rigorous honesty.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Honesty is essential in all relationships. Without it, we tread in the perilous waters of fiction and denial. I don’t have to expose every fact of my life and my family’s problems, but I refuse to live a lie.

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Apr 24, 2013

FROM ROME WITH LOVE: CHAPTER FIVE

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Recovery, Siblings

An Italian college student, who lives in Rome, wrote to me. She is the sister of an addict: I want to share with you a poem I love. I’ve read it many times and each time I hope my brother, too, will arrive at the “Fifth Chapter.”

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters, by Portia Nelson

I: I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost … I am helpless. It isn’t my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out.

II: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I don’t see it. I fall in again. I can’t believe I am in the same place, but it isn’t my fault. It still takes a long time to get out.

III: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall in … it’s a habit. My eyes are open. I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately.

IV: I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

V: I walk down another street.

My thoughts: We are responsible for making the choice to get ourselves out of the hole of addiction or despair. No one can make this decision for us. It is a singular and personal choice.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today I will fortify myself by joining hands with others. I will break the bonds of isolation and fear that feed addiction. I’ll reach out my hand, pray and continue to believe. I will walk down another street.

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