A mom wrote to me: We’ve corresponded a few times over the course of a lot of years as my son wandered through the maze of his addiction and I followed along, hanging onto his shirt tail trying to keep him safe. Of course, that didn’t work. I know more about addiction now than I ever wanted to know. He’s five years clean this week. He’s living on his own, paying his bills, and working in the same job the whole time. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m filled with gratitude for today.  He has thanked me for not giving up on him, even when it was almost impossible to stay close.  

My reflection: I, too, hung onto my son’s shirt tail as I tried to keep him safe, and I, too, found that it didn’t work.

Today’s Promise to consider: When we are feeling battered by the consequences of addiction’s grasp on our children, it’s hard to stay close but out of the chaos. During my son’s fourteen-year addiction, I struggled tremendously with this concept. It wasn’t until I visited the Florence, Italy, office of San Patrignano that it started to make sense. A recovering man’s words hit me hard: “Love your son, don’t abandon him, but don’t give him money for anything – not his cell phone, not his car, nothing.” It was never easy to follow this advice, but I did. And, just as this mother, I stayed close, but with boundaries.

A mom of a son in recovery wrote to me: I’ve learned to be understanding and not angry. I’ve learned to be forgiving and not disappointed. I’ve learned to be loving and not frustrated. I’ve learned to be patient and not anxious. The disease of addiction has to run its course. Our children find recovery in their own way and in their own time.

My reflection: I didn’t want to learn anything from addiction. I hated it and just wanted it to go away. I spent most of my days being angry, disappointed, heartbroken, and anxious.

Today’s Promise to consider: Some of the things I’ve learned from my son’s fourteen years in the miasma of addiction and his fifteen years on the other side of it are: *Al-Anon, AA, and family groups work. There’s immense power in community. *Educating myself was crucial. The more I understood about the disease of addiction, the more skillful my responses became. *My son’s addiction was not mine to solve, but his. The choice of sobriety rested with him. *Stay Close, but out of the chaos became a road map for me and gave me some semblance of peace, while giving my son the space to find recovery in his own way and in his own time.

A mom wrote to me: Your story meant I was not alone. I loved  my son even as I was terrified and, for so so long, I thought I could do something to fix him. When he was little and struggled so much, I always seemed to be able to make it better. But addiction is not like that. The hard part for me was not staying close, but staying out of the chaos. And because the chaos of this disease is crazy making for those who love a suffering child, it is so hard at times to not get sick oneself from worry and fear. Depressed. Worn down. Giving in and giving money– which could have killed him. Such a fine line at times to walk.

My reflection: I, too, thought I could heal my son, change his life, and make things better. I couldn’t.

Today’s Promise to consider:  As parents, we often turn ourselves inside-out in an effort to ‘fix’ our suffering loved ones, until we realize that our help isn’t always helping. It took me fourteen years to accept that I couldn’t change my son’s destructive behavior. In time, I learned to stay close and continue to love him while I disengaged from the chaos of his addiction.