Stay Close Archives - Page 9 of 10

Jan 24, 2013

TEACHING EVERYDAY COURAGE, PART 2

by libbycataldi under Communication, family, Jeremy, Stay Close

Son Jeremy with daughter Iysa

A dad wrote: This post (about the young girl having courage to raise her hand even though other kids might laugh at her) reminded me that I can continue to improve my own ability to be more confident and courageous. I don’t think it matters if you are 6 or 66 – as the parent of an addicted child, I need all the confidence and courage I can find! Prayers for continued courage to fight the good fight.

My reflection: My initial thoughts about courage were focused only on the child. I wondered if I hadn’t taught Jeff to be courageous when faced with peer pressure or tough choices. In recovery, I praised his courage to fight for himself and his life. This dad’s comments helped me to think about a parent’s courage. Courage doesn’t mean that parents aren’t afraid, but rather that we push through our fears and do our best in spite of them. There is a saying in Al-Anon, “Courage is fear that has said its prayers.”

Today’s Promise to consider: As parents, we have many opportunities to role model for our children everyday courage. We need to show our children how to fight the good fight and to stand up for what is right even when we are standing alone. Today, I’ll stay close. I’ll hold out my hand and ask my child to hold on as he practices courage.

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Jan 10, 2013

FALLEN LOVED ONES

by libbycataldi under family, Jeff, Jeremy, Stay Close

I buried my mother on December 28. She lived a long and good life, and she was ready. Days later, my friend’s son died from the disease of addiction. Two deaths, but two very different circumstances. When I went to the funeral home to support my friend, we embraced while she wept from a place that ripped open my heart and tore at my soul. She sobbed, saying over and over again, “I didn’t know. Why didn’t I know? Why couldn’t I have done something?”

My tears were the answer. No words to comfort her, no truth that could quench the enormity of her son’s tragic death. It is every parent’s greatest fear that her addicted child could die. The seriousness of drug addiction is often too horrifying to look at. My mother’s death brought grief to my heart, and my friend’s son’s death brought despair to my soul.

Today, I will honor the lives lost to addiction. I won’t sweep them under the rug and I won’t be silent. I will acknowledge the severity of this disease – it is a battle of life and death. My sons and I will continue our fight against addiction. We stand next to the parents and their fallen loved ones. We ask God to ease their pain.

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Nov 22, 2012

STARTING EACH DAY WITH GRATITUDE

by libbycataldi under Gratitude, Hope, Stay Close

Granddaughter Iysa loving life.

A dad wrote to me: My son overdosed at the age of seventeen. I was in the E.R. with him the entire time. No one knows the fears, the thoughts, the excruciating pain that someone in this position experiences, except those of us who have been there. From that horrific day onward, I have chosen to look at the glass half full. Every day my son is still here is a wonderful blessing. Sometimes we need to be reminded of what is truly important in our lives.

My reaction: When Jeff and Jeremy were young, we’d begin our Thanksgiving meal with a prayer and then each person would respond to the sentence starter, “Today I’m thankful for ….” Now I wonder why this was only a once-a-year routine. Maybe I should have asked this on a daily basis. Ray Haas, a dear friend and teacher at our school, once asked Dan Butler, our maintenance man, “How is your day, Mr. Butler?” Dan responded, “Mr. Haas, any day my feet hit the floor is a good day.” Mr. Butler had it right.

Today’s Promise to consider: I’ll remember what is truly important in my life, not just once a year and not just today, but every day. I’ll work to make it part of my daily routine. Every day will begin with a thanksgiving.

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Sep 13, 2012

RELATIONSHIP AND BOUNDARIES

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, meditation, Stay Close

A mom said to Dr. MacAfee: I’m trying to remember who we were before addiction hit our doors, flooded our house and left us homeless.

Dr. MacAfee’s response: Once the young person is off and running with drugs, things become much more difficult. Relationship is essential in dealing with addiction, but the question is what does a healthy relationship look like. Honesty is critical. Parents must say what they mean and mean what they say – boundaries must be clear so that loved one knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what is acceptable and what isn’t. Screaming isn’t the answer, whereas putting all the cards on the table in a direct and honest way is. As one mother recently told her son, “If you felt good about what you were doing, you wouldn’t be sneaking around.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Relationship and boundaries are critical when dealing with addiction, as with many problems. Today I will communicate with rigorous honesty. I’ll put my cards on the table and be clear about my boundaries. We all have decisions to make and I can’t decide for anyone else, but I will decide for myself. I’ll stay close and out of the chaos.

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Aug 16, 2012

VOICES OF RECOVERY

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, Recovery, Stay Close

A recovering addict with fourteen years sobriety wrote to me: As an addict, I know that I had to reach a point where I made the decision that I could not go back to drugs. Sure there were times of temptation during those first few years, but sobriety is a decision only I could make can make.

Dear parents, as helpless and guilty as you might feel, it is the addict’s choice to use again. It is not because he or she doesn’t love you or because you have or haven’t done something. Don’t beat yourselves up! You are not alone and there IS hope!

My reaction: Thanks to this young woman, who gives voice to the addict’s side of the story. For me, I only knew my mother’s side until I really listened to what Jeff had to say. This young woman helps me to understand. She went on to write, I last saw Jeff in DC around Christmas of 1997. I could tell he was “having fun” but I had no clue just how “deep” he had gotten. Of course, I didn’t realize just how “deep” I had gotten into drugs, either. I guess no addict really does until she hits rock bottom!

Today’s Promise to consider: I have to admit that I am powerless to change other people. I have to admit that I have no control over other people’s actions, even my own children. What I can and will do is pray, teach, provide a strong role model and stay close.

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Jul 11, 2012

FATHERS AND DAUGHTERS

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, family, Hope, meditation, Stay Close

From left to right: Son Jeff, Aunt Darlene, Uncle/Brother JF, Grandmom/Mom Laura, Nephew Bob, Niece Rebecca, Son Jeremy

My brother wrote this and it touched me. Following is an excerpt: “Hi, Dad. I have another question for you, but you should be honored because you’re the first person I think of to ask any tricky question….”

My daughter. Another in a long line of e-mail questions from my accomplished, 27-year-old daughter, Rebecca, who, despite her youth, has traveled the world. She now works for an organization that occasionally sends her to central Pakistan to work with Muslim female schools (madrasas) to try to show them how many Islamic views are similar to Christian ones, to effect a dialogue. I told her, “Beck, I know you get excited about this, but it’s pretty tough on the Old Man until you get back.” She said, “Dad, don’t you understand? It’s the confidence that you’ve always showed in me that gives me the courage to do all this stuff.”

Confidence…courage…to go into hostile areas…I gave her that? I raised her with two principles: that I loved her completely, and that would never, and could never, change. (Which doesn’t mean that I didn’t discipline her a ton of times growing up. I did. All kids need that. Doesn’t affect the love.) The other principle was that she had to be a good person. She had to do the right thing.

As for me, I don’t much care when I die, (but) I want to have time to say goodbye to my loved ones. I want enough time for Beck to get to me from whatever far-flung outpost she happens to be. I want to tell her I love her one more time. Maybe she’ll ask me a question. After all, I’m her Dad.

(To read the original: http://www.post-gazette.com/stories/opinion/perspectives/first-person-fathers-and-daughters-329029/)

Today’s Promise to consider: Parents and our children: Fathers and daughters, mothers and sons. I love my sons, and that can never and will never change. I know they are good persons and I pray they always do the right thing. After all, I’m their mom.

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May 24, 2012

VOICES OF FRIENDS: PART 2

by libbycataldi under family, Hope, Recovery, Stay Close

Beth and Kenny

A mom wrote to me: My son has 14 months drug free and I am so proud of the strength and courage he has demonstrated in changing his life and managing his disease. I’ve shared my heartache with you before, and I knew you would share in my happiness.

A couple of weeks ago, I awoke to find the following text message from him. I asked his permission to share it with you. He agreed knowing it can offer hope to other parents.

U had the biggest part in getting me sober. I’m so sorry for the years of pain I caused u. to some extent it was the disease but it was me for the most part. I’m in such a good place in my sobriety. I finally have some direction in life and it feels good. Rehab was the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do but it was the best thing I ever did. there’s no way to change the past but the future looks bright. I love u so much. Ur my favorite person and my biggest fan.

My reaction: These are the messages that keep parents staying close. We hold hope that one day our children will find their way to sobriety. We remain humble, knowing it’s one day at a time, but for today, in these moments, we are grateful.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I will be my child’s biggest fan. I will celebrate his good qualities and achievements, and let her know how much she is loved.

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May 17, 2012

VOICES OF FRIENDS: Part I

by libbycataldi under Hope, Jeff, Recovery, Stay Close

Jeff and his friend Reneé

A recovering addict wrote to me: In reading the responses of the parents of addicts on your blog, I am truly moved by the love, acceptance and understanding that you have. I was not fortunate enough to have parents that were understanding or willing to stand by me through the depths of my addiction and the struggle that I underwent to find my way alone was almost insurmountable. As a friend of Jeff’s, it makes me very happy to see that he, as well as others of your respective children, have had that support. Don’t ever give up, you have no idea how much we really do need you.

My response: I feel humbled when I read this young woman’s words: Don’t ever give up, you have no idea how much we really do need you. When Jeff was in active addiction, there were many times I wanted to walk away because I was filled with anger, hurt and deep grief. I’m grateful that I learned the concept Stay Close.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will stay close to my loved ones. I know that I can’t ‘fix’ them or change the situations in their lives, but I can stand by them with my emotional support and assure them that I will never quit believing.

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May 2, 2012

NEVER GIVING UP HOPE

by libbycataldi under Hope, Jeremy, Recovery, Siblings, Stay Close

Jeremy asked me (May, 2009): “How will you end the story about Jeff?”

I admitted, “I don’t know, Jer. It’s not my story to end.”

His answer was clear, “But that’s the point. We don’t know what will happen to Jeff, but no one can ever take away our hope. You have to end the story in hope.”

And we did.

My reaction today: Jeremy was wise. In the midst of Jeff’s fight against his addiction, Jeremy, the younger brother, knew that we could never give up hope. He held tightly to this even when my resolve faltered. Jeremy helped me to be strong.

Today’s Promise to consider: Jeff is healthy today and our family is deeply grateful. We are humble as we continue to learn and grow each day. Jeremy taught me that hope is a powerful source of strength.

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Apr 18, 2012

RELAPSE and COURAGE

by libbycataldi under Communication, Forgiveness, Hope, Jeff, Relapse, Stay Close

A mother writes: My son is still on the revolving road to recovery. He has been in detox three times, rehab (both inpatient and outpatient), in a sober house, involved in AA with a sponsor and is presently trying the suboxone route with individual counseling. My heart is broken, but I will find my courage.

My reaction to the above: The addict must learn to live in abstinence and that’s a new and scary place for him. He knows how to live in addiction, but abstinence requires skills that are foreign to him.

Relapse happened often to my son. I understood in a deeper way when Jeff wrote about a friend who relapsed, “I know that place. He was in pain, and it was too much. He used to kill it. Then he needs to keep using because the addiction has kicked in. An addict loses all sense of free will; you’re thrown back into the space of obsession, of always needing something more. I’m sure he’s scared and confused.”

Today’s Promise to Consider: Relapse scares me as a mom, but I will remember that it’s also frightening for my loved one. Learning to live in abstinence is his goal. Having the courage to stay close is mine.

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