WE CAN HELP EACH OTHER RISE

A young man in recovery sent me this song RISE by Samantha Jones. The chorus rings out:

People rise together

When they believe in tomorrow

Change the day to forever

This life keeps moving

My reflection: When my son was in active addiction, I felt lost in despair, shame, and confusion. It was then that I most needed other people to help me keep hope alive. I reached out my hand to those in Al-Anon, other parents who were suffering, professionals, and recovering addicts. With their help, I found friendship, community, and empathy.

Today’s Promise to consider: When hope and belief are most fragile, those are the times I accept the strength of others to hold me up. It takes courage to reach out a hand, but through compassion and love, people help each other rise together and believe in tomorrow.

 

 

 

MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR IS PART OF ADDICTION

A young woman in recovery told me: I played my mother and grandmother against each other. For example, when I had a fight with one, I’d go to the other. It’s not nice to say, but I used them. I recognized the moment they were weak, and I saw clearly how I could use their love for me to my advantage. It was totally deliberate and this helped keep my addiction alive. I’m sorry for it now.

My reflection: Those in active addiction will do anything to keep using. If my son couldn’t get what he wanted from me, there were many others – family and non-family members – to whom he would go for help. His manipulations and stories were smart, creative, and effective.

Today’s Promise to consider: People suffering from addiction live a life of desperation and deceit. The user will do anything to prop up her addiction. As a result, manipulation of family and friends is common, and those who love addicts are frequently betrayed in the process. Today, I’ll open my eyes and recognize the behaviors. I’ll communicate honestly with those in my loved one’s circle and work with them to establish firm boundaries.

JUST KEEP LOVING

Just keep loving is all I want to say. Even when it seems impossible. Loving yourself enough to know the boundaries to keep and loving our children enough to know when to let go. Hope always and ever. Love is the first response.

My reflection: Through my son’s fourteen-year addiction, there were times when I did not want to keep loving – him or myself. Loving was too painful because when you love someone, you’re compelled to fix and help. I was totally powerless against the addiction. And how could I love myself, when my son was spiraling downward?

Today’s Promise to consider: I learned through Jeff’s long-term addiction that I could love my son – the one who was still alive and under the drugs – while hating the addiction. This dichotomy provided the mental and heart boundaries that allowed me to see the son I would never quit loving, while also acknowledging the consequences of his addiction.

“I CAN’T FIX THIS”

A father wrote to me: Our son has a gambling addiction and after more than five years of heartache he has lost his wife, many jobs, stolen from everyone, and now faces legal issues. He has been to various treatment centers and resides today in a halfway house. As a father, I try to understand the pain my wife endures when her son, who could do no wrong, spirals out of control. I always felt it was my place to protect and fix things. I can’t fix this.

My reflectionBoth mothers and fathers suffer tremendously, but as this father writes, he felt his role in the family was to protect and fix problems. Most moms I talk with assume the role of rescuer. If our child is drowning, our first instinct is to jump into the water, pull them close to us, and swim to safety.

Today’s Promise to consider: Being a parent of a child who is suffering from drug addiction is counter-intuitive. How do we stay close to someone whose behavior is so destructive? How can we love our children who are causing themselves and those closest to them such pain? Today, I’ll pray for wisdom that we learn to accept that our children must choose sobriety for themselves.

ADDICTION TAKES PRISONERS: THE FAMILY

by libbycataldi under family

A mother wrote to me: My son walked out of his fourth rehab, and in November of last year my husband kicked him out of our house, again. I couldn’t help but mourn. I lay on my bed and didn’t move for two days. He’s presently in an outpatient methadone program. His addiction has claimed him for five years. Methadone is not the answer I wanted for my son. I want to see him whole, clean, and well again. His drug addiction has had such a big impact on our lives.

My reflection: Addiction takes prisoners: Parents argue, mothers mourn, siblings are heartbroken and angry, while the addict is in his own world, chasing his next fix. The entire family spirals into chaos and despair.

Today’s Promise: What can we do to loosen addiction’s grasp? Family resources are available including Al-Anon, spiritual support groups, and online information, blogs, and call centers. Every day the medical community becomes better equipped to treat addiction, opposed to chastise it. But throughout the struggle, we need to take care of ourselves. We must learn to maintain boundaries that keep our family safe. We must reach out our hands. We are not alone.

WHAT IF? A RECOVERY MODEL DESIGNED BY A PERSON IN RECOVERY

A woman in recovery wrote to me: What if there was a place for recovering addicts to go to get their equilibrium back? It takes five years for the body to heal and stabilize into normal endocrine function after addiction. It takes two years for the brain to heal and for its natural hormones to start flowing regularly again. During this recovery time is when the addict is most vulnerable. So what if there was a place for addicts to go that allowed them to stay in a safe place while they get their memory and focus back and learn a new trade, or go back to school to get their degree and learn organization and responsibility again. The next three years are spent finishing their degree and re-entering the workforce giving half of what they earn to the program and save the other half to purchase a car and apartment when they finish the program. By the end of this five-year program they would be in full recovery. They’d have a job, a car, and a place to live. They would be productive citizens of society again. What if?

My reflection: This idea is similar to the San Patrignano model in Italy, where people stay three-to-five years in order to fully recover. The recovery rate at San Patrignano is 78% after three years of exiting the community.

Today’s Promise to consider: What if there were a recovery model that provided a safe place for recovering people to live for several years in order to get it right? A place that offered the time to learn a trade, save money, and even continue education, all within the safe haven of a recovery community. The idea posited by this young woman makes total sense. I’d love to see a treatment center adopt this approach or at least our medical community explore the concept with research. Something needs to change with the way we treat addiction. What if?

 

THE BRAIN ON DRUGS

THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE recently published an article that reported: Addiction is a brain disease, “not a choice, not a personality flaw, not a moral failing,” said Dr. Jody Glance, an addiction specialist at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center. Researchers have found that a key part of what makes opioid addiction so entrenched and difficult to quit is the way the drug changes the brain.

When you sense something pleasurable, the brain releases a natural chemical called dopamine that trains the body to remember, “I liked that, let’s do it again.” That’s the brain’s reward system, and opioids can hijack it by triggering a surge of dopamine larger than nature ever could. Repeated opioid use overloads circuits in multiple brain regions. At the same time, the brain gradually releases less dopamine in response to other things the person once found pleasurable. Eventually they seek more of the drug not to get high, but to avoid constantly feeling low.

My reaction: When my son was in active addiction, I didn’t know anything about the affect of opiates on the brain. It was all so new and overwhelming to me. He was prescribed medication, including methadone and buprenorphine, but he abused everything he came into contact with. Despite my best efforts to find good treatment for my son, I needed additional education and other options.

Today’s Promise to consider: Drug use is not a personal affront to those they love, but it is an addict in pursuit of dopamine stimulation  – and eventually, regulation. Brain research shows that addiction seizes the brain and sends the user down a path that’s out of his control. Today, I commit to continuing to educate myself about current addiction and recovery research. I pray for wisdom – for son, myself, and the therapeutic community.

 

STAYING HUMBLE IN THE FACE OF ADDICTION

A mother wrote to me: My youngest daughter is 19. She started with alcohol at age 12 and ended up a heroin addict. After many false starts and years of fearing that ‘phone call’ when I would hear that she is dead, she finally is in an inpatient center. After completion, she wants to come home. I want her home, but I am also realistic that we are NOT out of the woods by a long shot. She is going to need help from someone who truly ‘gets it’ and is not family. Our family is still healing – we have a very long way to go.

My reaction: This mother writes with the wisdom of experience. It took me many years to understand the power of addiction and my own limits.

Today’s Promise to consider: We need to stay humble in the face of addiction because it lurks in the shadows, always taunting and bidding its time, gauging just the right moment when vulnerability is high and relapse is possible. Recovery happens, but there is no magic bullet. It takes determination, faith, and constant care. Our loved ones must work their own program, and we must stay grateful, and continue to hope.

WE WANT TO BELIEVE THE STORIES THEY TELL

A mother wrote to me: I wanted to believe the stories of why my son needed money; I wanted to help. Time after time we gave him another chance; we wanted to believe he could do this. In time, he got out of his fourth rehab, did well for a year, and then relapsed. He was so much worse than ever before. I know I prolonged his addiction out of love. It’s true – I was an enabler, but I could not let go.

My reflection: The Big Book of AA makes a clear promise: If the person doesn’t achieve recovery, he or she will find “jails, institutions or death.” We want to believe our loved ones and the stories they tell – they’re our children and spouses and family members, who were once trustworthy and dependable. Addiction corrupts that.

Today’s Promise: While trust is essential, I must also remember that addiction distorts the truth. As Dr. MacAfee says, “There’s only room for one in an addiction.” My loved one must choose to fight, and I must get out of the way.

HOPE IS FRAGILE; FEAR IS POWERFUL

A mother wrote to me: I’m giving up on prayer, I’m afraid. Recovery was going well, I thought. My son was making meetings, new job he likes, nice girlfriend. I was beginning to trust and hope. In the last week, money taken from my purse, relapse, violation of probation. Now it’s back to court and maybe prison this time. I can’t do this again.

My reflection: Fear is powerful. There were many times when my son was in active addiction that I, too, was in danger of giving up hope. Sometimes it felt easier to abandon hope and faith than to risk them being crushed, again.

Today’s Promise to consider: If we lose faith and hope, all is lost. We need to stay close to our children, while allowing them to fight their own battles. I will never give up hope that my child finds her way back home.