libbycataldi, Author at Stay Close Blog

Jul 28, 2016

A HUMAN BEING NOT A HUMAN DOING

by libbycataldi under Courage, family, Forgiveness, Hope, Siblings

Photo Credit: Audrey Melton

A friend, whose brother is in recovery, wrote to me: We are living on a roller coaster with my brother. After two years of rehab, we see very little progress with him compared to other guys who started the program at the same time. Recently, I read a quote by Kurt Vonnegut that made a difference to me, “I am a human being, not a human doing.” It went straight to my heart and my mind as I thought about my brother’s addiction. We are all humans in an ongoing process of learning and failure. We aren’t our achievements and above all, our life is almost never linear.

My reflection: It’s easy to blame the addict for his failures, since his actions affect so many people. But the human condition is one of living and learning and making mistakes along the way. The prayer is that we learn from them and move toward health.

Today’s Promise to consider: Throughout the course of Jeff’s fourteen-year addiction, the keyword for me became compassion. Many days, compassion was impossible to muster, but as Kurt Vonnegut’s quote tells us, we are human beings – in our victories and in our failings. Today, I accept that I am human and so is my son.

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Jul 21, 2016

TEN YEARS OF SOBRIETY

by libbycataldi under Courage, Gratitude, Jeff, meditation, Recovery

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Photo Credit: Audrey Melton

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY SON JEFF

Today, on July 21, you celebrate ten years of sobriety. This is a huge feat, especially after having suffered a fourteen-year addiction. What would have happened if we had lost you? You faced the demons and came home to yourself and to us. Some research says that only 4% of heroin addicts live and stay well. This is a day to honor.

How far you have come in these past ten years. You pray and meditate, and you radiate serenity and peace. You’ve started a successful music label, and you are a businessman of integrity and strength. Spirituality is at the center of your life, and you inspire me with your hard-fought wisdom and good sense. You have suffered and you have risen.

It took courage, dedication and hard work to reach this day. I call this out because it’s important to do so. A person in active addiction once told me, “If Jeff can do it, so can I.” You give others hope. You give back. You work hard to make the world a better place.

Dad, Jeremy, Iysa and I join your many friends and relatives, who love you and wish you well. We’re proud of you, my son. Here’s to another ten years, one day at a time.

Love you, always and forever. I’ll stay close,

Mom

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Jul 14, 2016

FOUR YEARS: A MOTHER’S STORY OF HOPE

by libbycataldi under Courage, Hope, meditation, Recovery, Stay Close

A mom wrote to me on facebook from 2012 – 2016:

2012: My son had his first visit home on Thanksgiving. It was not good. When we told him that he wasn’t ready to live with his brother, he completely blew up and wouldn’t speak to us. He hasn’t called or texted or anything since then. It’s heartbreaking because I know he is hurting, but he has cut me off. I keep him close to my heart, but he doesn’t want to hear my voice or see me. When you look in your child’s dark and cold eyes and you know they feel unworthy of self love, it totally breaks your heart.

2014: My son celebrated 2 clean years Monday! He’s going to college in a few weeks…..living at home though.

2015: Yesterday, we were at the store looking for dress pants, shirts and ties, patterned socks and “pointy toe” shoes. He is headed back for sophomore year at a local university having finished on the Dean’s list. He is doing a summer internship with a legal company that works on regulatory shipping issues. When he was a small child, I envisioned him working in the legal field. I can’t help but smile!

2016: I wanted u to be the first to know. My son is 4 yrs clean, July 28! He’s going to law school!!! Still staying close!

Today’s Promise to consider: When our child is in the depths of addiction, it’s hard to have hope. Each day is a painful struggle and a reminder that he is alive under the drugs. This mother’s four-year notes tell the story of renewal and possibility. Where there is life, there is hope. I’ll continue to stay close.

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Jul 7, 2016

ALL ADDICTIONS ROB YOU OF YOUR LIFE

by libbycataldi under Courage, meditation, Recovery, Relapse, Stay Close

A mother wrote to me: I am a mother of a 25-year-old son, who lives with us. He is a compulsive gambler. It isn’t heroin, crystal meth or alcohol, but it is the same thing. Any addiction robs you of your life, your joy, and the natural and innate endeavor to survive and thrive. My son has boundless gifts – he is charming, handsome, an athlete – but now those qualities and God’s gifts to him are buried. He is almost unrecognizable. He is full of shame. He is anxious, lonely, in debt and he says he hates himself.

My reflection: There are many kinds of addictions: drugs, alcohol, food, sex, shopping, smoking, gambling and more. They all take our loved ones and our families to the same desperate place.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addictions range from heroin to gambling, and from marijuana to shopping. Addicts of every type live a tortured existence. So do we, who love them. There are times we need to take off our blinders and see our loved one’s behavior for what it is: an addiction. Only in honesty can we find a place of commonality and healing.

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Jun 30, 2016

“I CHOOSE LIFE,” A LETTER FROM A SON TO HIS MOM

by libbycataldi under Courage, Dialogue, family, Recovery

A mom sent me a letter from her son: Dear Mom, As I look at the past, I can only imagine the pain I’ve caused you. I’m sorry for every hurt. Today, I’m 23 days sober and there is so much I wish I could change, but I can’t do anything about it. All I can do is to try my hardest to accept where I am now, to do my best to succeed from here on out, and to be a son again to you and Dad. I’m treating this as if I am being reborn and need to learn how to live. Thank you for still believing in me and keeping faith. I choose life!

My reflection: What made this young man choose life? His mom wrote that he had been in, “10 rehabs, 12 years of addiction, PCP, heroin, opiates, Hepatitis C, STD’s, you name it, flat lined several times.” I’ve heard many recovering addicts tell me that the most dire consequences of their addiction brought them to sobriety.

Today’s Promise to consider: This young man wrote, “I’m 23 days sober and there is so much I wish I could change. Today, I choose life.” As parents, watching our child suffer is counterintuitive to everything we believe is our role. But with addiction, we need to get out of the way and allow him to feel the consequences of his addiction. For me, I will love my son, stay close and pray he chooses life.

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Jun 23, 2016

“IF YOU’RE NOT WORKING AGAINST ADDICTION, IT RETURNS”

by libbycataldi under Abstinence, Courage, Recovery

Uncle Jeff and niece Iysa

A mother wrote to me: I am the mother of a heroin addict. He is 18 years old and living at home. We have been through a lot over the last two years, but I’m afraid that we are just at the beginning of his addiction. He has been in and out of rehab centers because we’ve forced him to go. He believes he can overcome his addiction on his own; he won’t go to AA or get any help. I fear the future. I am worn down, both emotionally and physically.

My reflection: Can an addict get clean without help? After my son’s second recovery center, he said, “If you’re not working against addiction, it returns. It’s inevitable. The time in treatment was helpful, but it was too early for me. The consequences of my use had been minimal and I was convinced that I could control my using. I refused to accept that drugs had become bigger than I was.”

Today’s Promise: Sobriety is a choice that only our loved one can make. Addiction professionals and the Big Book of AA say that sobriety is best achieved by diligently working a program of recovery. I will encourage my loved one to get help. I pray he fights for his own sake, and ours.

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Jun 16, 2016

AM I CAPABLE OF FOLLOWING THE GENTLEST PATH?

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Courage, family

Photo Credit: Patrisha Lauria

Jeff sent me a passage from a Taoist book he’s reading: Like water, we’re encouraged to follow the gentlest path through life. In the face of obstacles, let us be fluid and flow downward to bend around trees and fallen branches. And when encountering rocks, let us rise like water vapor to float across the sky.

(paraphrased, Eva Wong, Being Taoist: Wisdom for Living a Balanced Life, 2015)

My reflection: When Jeff sent me this passage, I reflected on his fourteen years of active addiction and realized that I was anything but water flowing gently. I fought the addiction with every ounce of my being. True, it did me no good and I stopped nothing. I was neither powerful nor strong enough to stop the destruction.

Today’s Promise to consider: With addiction, is it possible to follow a gentle path? Can I be subtle as vapor and rise above such heavy obstacles? I must stop getting mired in things I can’t control. For today, I will do my best to handle adversity with grace and objectivity. I will let go of anxiety and suffering. Join me?

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Jun 9, 2016

WORDS OF SUPPORT FROM A RECOVERING ADDICT

by libbycataldi under Communication, Courage, Relapse

A recovering addict wrote to a friend, who had relapsed, I’m sorry you fell off the wagon. Get back in. Stop drinking and go to a meeting. Don’t show up drunk. You have to nip this in the bud because it will get worse. Go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I guarantee you that you’ll be in a much better state of mind. Ask someone to be your sponsor, someone who has time and who seems like they’re living the life you want. You’ll be surprised by how many friends you make in a short amount of time, the type of friends that will really be there for you when you need their help.

My reflection: There is help available to those suffering from addiction. AA isn’t the answer for everyone, but it is a program that has worked for millions of people. The 12 steps provide scaffolding for a way of living within a base of spirituality, and the AA community provides support from people who have walked the walk.

Today’s Promise to consider: I thought I could guide my son along his path to recovery, but no matter how hard I tried or how much I learned, I realized that I couldn’t be his ‘go to’ person. He found the help he needed from people who knew firsthand his suffering.

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Jun 2, 2016

I TRIED EVERYTHING HUMANLY POSSIBLE

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Courage, Hope

A mom wrote to me: I tried everything humanly possible to save my son. And then I let go. I have so much love and gratitude for the peace I am now experiencing. I have no illusions for tomorrow. I went to three funerals of young people in ten days.

My reflection: I, too, tried everything humanly possible to stop my son’s addiction. I paid to get him out of trouble, forced him into recovery, and tracked him down whenever he couldn’t be found. After fourteen years of trying to control my son’s addiction, I surrendered with love.

Today’s Promise to consider: It was only after acknowledging that I did everything in my power to stop Jeff’s addiction, was I able to let go. It was sobering, but crucial for me to realize that no matter how much of myself I poured into his illness, the choice to stop was his alone. When I surrendered with love, I felt peace.

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May 26, 2016

I’M IN CONTROL OF JUST ONE PERSON: MYSELF

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Courage, family

A dad wrote to me: I got so tired of the lies and the constant drama that our family was brought into. We parents care so much for our children that it’s really difficult to watch them self-destruct. I’m getting much better at realizing that I am in control of just one person: myself. I think prayer is the only answer.

My reflection: It’s incredibly difficult to admit that we can’t control the behavior of our addicted loved ones. It was unfathomable to me that Jeff wouldn’t listen, even when I threatened dire consequences. My dad’s words rang in my ears, “Tell him to stop, daughter. Dammit. Tell him to stop.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Once at an Al-Anon meeting, the speaker held a hula-hoop over her head and then dropped it around her and onto the floor. She pointed to her feet and the space inside the hoop, “I can control only what’s inside this hoop.” It was a simple visual that resonated deeply with me. My son had his own hoop. I had mine. There’s only room for one in an addiction.

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