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TELL HIM TO STOP, DAMMIT

TM (1)

Jeff, Granddad Cataldi, Grams Cataldi, Jeremy

My dad, who would have been 95 this month, didn’t understand addiction. He once pointed his finger at me and said, “Why don’t you tell him to stop, dammit? We can all see that he’s not right. Listen, daughter, you gotta do something. You gotta tell him to stop.” I just stared back at my dad and thought, “Don’t you think I’ve told him to stop, Dad? Do you think I can’t see that he’s not right? Don’t you think I’ve tried?” I didn’t say these things to my Marine Corps Drill Sergeant father.

My reflection: My father wasn’t an addict and for him addiction was non negotiable, something that shouldn’t exist in our family and a problem that ‘had to go.’ In his mind, I was the parent and I should have able to demand that my son quit using drugs. To Dad, it was black or white, two extremes, and Jeff’s behavior wasn’t acceptable and had to end.

Today’s Promise to consider: Many people think that addiction is a lack of character and a moral weakness and, with enough guts and grit, the person should be able to stop. Stop, dammit. My dad thought that way. I wish I had had the silver bullet or had know those magic words to make the destruction stop. Instead, addiction is a cunning, baffling and insidious disease that requires extreme patience, education, perspective and faith.

 

 

ALL LIVES ARE WORTH SAVING

18-Jeff TM (1)A nurse friend from the Cleveland Clinic sent me this article: One Heart Surgeon’s Story of Helping a Drug Addict Find Hope in which Gösta Pettersson, MD, PhD, wrote about his 27-year-old, heroin-addicted patient. Everyone was convinced she would die. So often we meet patients like this and are perhaps tempted to dismiss them because of an apparent personal failure like drug abuse. We don’t really understand what they’re going through. We see their physical suffering, but it’s actually only a small fraction of what they endure. He operated on this young girl’s heart and she is, today, six months sober. He ends by saying, My patient’s drug addiction will be a lifelong battle – but ‘so worth living to fight it,’ she tells me. She knows now that because her life was worth saving, it is also worth living. 

 

Today’s Promise to consider: Lives are worth saving – all lives, even drug-addicted lives. This cardiovascular surgeon saved a young, heroin addict’s life through both medical and emotional care. Addiction wants to suffocate and end lives – and not all lives can be saved – but where there is life there is hope.

 

Dr. Pettersson is Vice Chairman of the Department of Thoracic and Cardiovascular Surgery and Section Head of Congenital Heart Surgery at Cleveland Clinic. He contributed this article.

 

 

HE IS NOT HIS ADDICTION

Jeff1 (1)An Italian friend, whose brother is struggling with recovery, wrote to me: I wanted to share this poem by Hemingway. During a meeting with my brother and the psychologist of the rehabilitation program, I found myself asking how could addiction happen to us and where is the brother we used to know. I hope that one day we can find the serenity to accept ourselves and to know that he is not only his addiction. He – and we with him – are better than that.

You are not your age,

Nor the size of the clothes you wear,

You are not a weight,

Or the color of your hair.

You are not your name,

Or the dimples in your cheeks,

You are all the books you read,

And all the words you speak,

You are your croaky morning voice,

And the smiles you try to hide,

You are the sweetness in your laughter,

And every tear you’ve cried,

You’re the songs you sing so loudly when you know you’re all alone,

You’re the places you’ve been too,

And the one that you call home,

You’re the things that you believe in,

And the people that you love,

You’re the photos in your bedroom,

And the future you dream of,

You’re made of so much beauty,

But it seems you forgot,

When you decided that you were defined,

By all the things you’re not. 

Today’s Promise to consider: My son is more than his addiction. Yes, it is a part of him as it is a part of us. But he is so much more. He is son and brother; he is kindness and loyalty; he is compassionate and smart; he is the sweetness of his laughter and the dreams he now dreams. He is his own person, who has his own God, his own life and his own loves. He is still the boy with a skip in his step.

ADDICTION DOESN’T DISCRIMINATE

IMG_1353 (2)A high school student, who is not an addict, wrote to me, I always knew drugs were bad and plenty of people have told me that they are, even ex-addicts. Now I realize that addiction can happen to anyone. I used to think, foolishly, that addicts were all people from somewhat messed up backgrounds with sad lives. Obviously, this horrible stereotype is completely inaccurate and your family’s story clearly showed that. I realize that it could be my family or one of my friend’s. It made me realize that we’re not invincible.

My reflection: The young writer above sent me this message after hearing our family’s story. Her generalization that addicts were all people from somewhat messed up backgrounds with sad lives is one that many people still believe. While the medical community categorizes addiction as a disease, others consider it a moral breakdown. Whatever you believe, addiction can grip any family regardless of economic status, social standing or educational level.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction happened in our family when I wasn’t looking. Maybe I didn’t want to see, but in time I had no choice but to acknowledge that the demon of addiction had taken my son. Today, I won’t ask why my son or why my family? Today, I’ll educate myself and open my eyes.

 

 

 

 

SUPPORT GROUPS: I’LL KEEP COMING BACK

Granddaughter Iysa and Nonna

Granddaughter Iysa and Nonna

I attended my first Al-Anon meeting almost 20 years ago and I wrote in my journal: There were twelve people in the basement of a church, and everyone had an alcoholic husband or wife. They talked about taking one day at a time and about how they needed to take care of themselves. What was I doing there? I am a mother and my son is an addict. I didn’t go to the meeting to learn how to take care of myself. I went to learn how to protect him, fix him, and help him. I don’t think I’ll go back.

My reflection: I went to three different meetings before I found my home group, a community of people that would love and support me through the most challenging times of my life. In the halls of Al-Anon, I learned that I was not alone and that others knew my pain. I learned that addiction doesn’t discriminate and that I could trust others to be there for me. I learned that there was wisdom, real wisdom, in taking one day at a time. I’m glad I kept going back.

Today’s Promise to consider: Al-Anon meetings and support groups are filled with parents of addicted children. I was one of those parents who needed help without judgment. I still go to meetings: to help myself and to help others. Community is part of the healing. Today, I’ll reach out my hand. We’re all walking together toward home.

 

 

 

HONESTY IN ADDICTION

IMGjeff7A mom wrote to me: For many years, I wasn’t in touch with my best friend from childhood, but through facebook we reconnected. I told her of my personal struggles during my son’s active addiction. She told me that my sharing this meant the world to her because she thought my life seemed perfect and was embarrassed to tell me that she had a son who was also struggling with an addiction to heroin. The door was then open to share our victories and defeats.

My reflection: When Jeff was in active addiction, I trembled every time someone asked me, “So how is Jeff?” What was I to say? The lie came easier, “Oh, he’s great – at Boston University and doing well.” I remember well when a medical person asked me about Jeff and, for some reason, I told him the truth. His response was compassionate: He had lost his only brother to alcoholism.

Today’s Promise to consider: The best response to addiction is honesty and compassion. The chaos of this disease touches many of us. We need to be judicious with whom we share the inner-workings of our lives, but I repeatedly find that when I’m transparent with my challenges, others are transparent with theirs. We are all human.

WHAT DRIVES THE ADDICT?

Scan31_0031-1Dr. MacAfee told me: I was leading a group therapy session when I asked a young man, ‘What is your drug of choice?’ The boy thought carefully and responded, ‘more.’ His answer was not an attempt at humor. Instead, the group answered with a consensus of silence and affirmative head nods. No addict ever intends to end up where he’s really going. Substance and the hunger for more drive the addict.

My reflection: Dr. MacAfee’s words helped me to understand that addiction wasn’t about me, my parenting, our family or Jeff’s friends. Some of these issues might have contributed to why he tried drugs in the beginning, but they’re not the reason he became an addict.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I acknowledge that addiction is about the substance. It’s not about me or my family. Once the substance takes over an addict’s life, it’s about the chase for the drug. No one and nothing else matter.

 

 

 

 

ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD

IMG_3783 2A mother wrote to me: My son has a long history of addiction. He got arrested and we hired a lawyer, bailed him out, but he kept using and stealing. He got arrested again and bailed himself out. We knew he was close to dying so we asked the lawyer to have the judge put him back in jail. We told our son that we would not bail him out, that we loved him but would no longer let his addiction destroy the family. All the love in the world was not enough to make him stop. 

My reflection: I, too, tried everything I could think of to make Jeff stop. I wept and told him how much he was hurting the family. I punished him, yelled at him, and refused to get him out of jail, but I also gave him money, paid his bills and included him in family gatherings. I was like a flag twisting in a tornado. Love was never the problem. The problem was his chase for the drug.

Today’s Promise to consider: All the love in the world won’t stop an addiction. Today, I accept that my child’s addiction is not against me: I will not feel betrayed; I will not feel self-blame. I will stay close and pray that my child decides to stop for himself.

 

 

 

PATIENCE IN RECOVERY

IMG_0787When Jeff had been healthy for three years, I wrote: My son’s growth is evident. He laughs more easily, he watches more calmly and he protects himself better. He knows where he hurts and he pays attention to what is coming. He’s more reflective, thoughtful, less impulsive, and more honest. He has good friends. He is becoming the strong and caring man he was always meant to be. Recovery takes time.

My reflection: One year earlier, Jeff told me, “When I awake in the morning, I know if it’s going to be a good day. Some mornings, I reach for a word and it’s like reaching into the fog. I can’t grasp it. Other mornings, when I reach for a word, I pluck it easily out of the air.” He continued, “I’m frustrated that some days aren’t clear, but I guess it will take time. I need to be patient.”

Today’s Promise to consider: We all need to be patient during recovery – both addict and parent. Changing lives, behaviors and systems takes time. Today, I will remain patient with my addicted loved one and not jump ahead of the process. The joy is in sobriety, one day at a time.

 

A POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF

image_11A recovering addict told me, I was addicted for 30 years and was never able to get sober until I turned my world and life over to a power greater than myself. You know, I’m becoming more spiritual as time goes on and it’s beautiful. Like this morning, up at 5:30 watching the sun rise, having a cup of coffee, admiring my new BBQ I bought and it was just you know, thank God, this is so great. I could not imagine myself 20 years ago in this position.

My reflection: In talking with many recovering addicts, spirituality or ‘coming to believe in a power greater than myself’ are central themes in beating addiction and living a productive, sober life. They have discovered a God of their understanding that provides them peace and perspective.

Today’s Promise to consider: There are many ways to get clean and to live a good life, but believing in something bigger than we are big, something both outside and within ourselves, can make a difference in recovery. Life still is difficult and can be sticky, but our reliance on a power greater than ourselves can give us serenity and strength.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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