libbycataldi, Author at Stay Close Blog

Aug 28, 2014

WHAT IS ENABLING?

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Gratitude, Jeff, Stay Close

A mother wrote to me:What is enabling? Webster’s dictionary says, “to make possible, practical, or easy.” How simple this sounds. Why would a parent want to make it easy for a child to destroy himself? My aunt said to me yesterday, “You need to have guidelines and discipline in your house.” I just thought to myself: I would love to have that. I am a mom trying to raise three kids and one is an addict. I am not so sure what rules I am to follow.

My reflection: Dr. MacAfee says enabling is anything that maintains the status quo, the pattern of behavior that’s currently in place. Trying to break the status quo required me to step back and allow Jeff to face the consequences of his addiction, which was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Saying ‘no’ to my son and staying close without withdrawing love took me fourteen years to learn.

Today’s Promise to consider:Today, I will not enable my loved one to maintain the status quo, the patterns that are destroying his life. I will let him feel the consequences of his addiction. I will stay close, but out of the chaos.

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Aug 21, 2014

FINDING COMFORT IN DISCOMFORT

by libbycataldi under Faith, meditation

A mom sent me this quote by Pema Chödrön: We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.

My reflection: Life’s problems can throw us into a state of confusion and despair. When Jeff was in active addiction, things came together for a moment and I felt such hope, only to be followed by things falling apart again, and worse. Even now, with Jeff healthy and drug free, there are many painful moments in life.

Today’s Promise to consider: Life is about us maintaining personal peace in the face of its constant challenges and finding comfort in the uncomfortable feelings. Instead of running from the pain, today I’ll work to be like the ocean – deep and stable, anchored in God – and not like the waves above me, tossing about, sometimes jarring, sometimes quiet.

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Aug 14, 2014

NEW CAMALDOLI HERMITAGE: SILENCE AS GIFT

by libbycataldi under Faith, family, meditation, Recovery

Jeff and I attended a silent retreat this past weekend at New Camaldoli Hermitage, a monastery in Big Sur, where we lived three days in silence and contemplation. Without cell phone service or Internet I thought I wouldn’t survive, but what I discovered is that by disconnecting from the daily drumbeat of life I allowed myself the space to connect with the sounds of my head and heart. Mother Teresa says that God speaks to us in the silence of our soul.

My reflection: My head is constantly filled with the noise of daily life, whooshing and whizzing through my brain. This is especially true during crises, like when Jeff was sick and addiction had him by the throat. Even in times of stability and health, my mind is a whirlwind. What I learned this weekend is that through silence, I was forced to look inward, where it can be scary and unsettling, to face myself and touch the breath of God within.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I will take a moment to be completely still, to quiet my mind and spend some time in solitude. I will make an opening in my spirit to experience God’s closeness – a closeness that our busy, modern lives so quickly obscure.

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Aug 7, 2014

LIVING IN THE PRESENT

by libbycataldi under Faith, Gratitude, meditation, Stay Close

A mom sent me a quote: When the Dalai Lama was asked what surprised him most about humanity, he answered, Man. He is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.

My reflection: Living in the present moment sounds easy, but I find it hard to do. The human mind is a whirlwind, twisting among problems, goals and projections. When Jeff was in active addiction, I spent most of my days with one foot in the past, second-guessing what I should have done differently, or in the future, worrying about what I would do when some catastrophe occurred.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I will work hard to live in the present. When my mind drifts into the past or the future, I will gently bring it back to the moment. I’ll harness my monkey mind and live today, for today, knowing the past is over and trusting that God will take care of the future.

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Jul 31, 2014

HOPE

by libbycataldi under Gratitude, Hope, Recovery

A mother wrote to me: My son is an alcoholic and has just returned from Iraq. Today he is good, and I pray that tomorrow will be the same. He is working his program in AA, and I am staying close to him and to my support group in Al-Anon. There are winners in recovery and it’s important for us to keep solid role models of hope out there, in front of us, to keep us all going.

My reflection: For all of us across the spectrum of recovery, it’s critical that we see positive examples of wellness and success. I am on a rowing team of breast cancer survivors and we join together as a visible example that there is life after cancer. We know we’re lucky to have survived and we row together for our own health and to offer others hope.

Jeff talks about the “old timers” in AA who are sober and have lived in sobriety for decades. They “keep coming back” to give hope, share wisdom and support others. In Al-Anon, I look to our “old timers” who know my wounds and help me stay centered in the face of life’s challenges.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will remember that there are people who have survived the chaos of addiction. I will look to them for guidance and point to their successes. Where there is life, there is hope.

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Jul 24, 2014

SLOGANS AND TOUGH TIMES

by libbycataldi under Faith, family, Hope

A mom wrote to me, I know all the slogans of Al-Anon: Easy Does It, One Day at a Time, Keep it Simple, First Things First. These and more are seared into my soul, but they are still hard to put into practice when things get tough.

My reflection: Let Go and Let God continues to be my go-to slogan. When Jeff was in active addiction, I repeated these words like a mantra. I knew I had no control over the addiction, and this slogan helped to keep me focused on getting out of God’s way. Even today, when things go wrong (as life is want to do), this slogan is my mainstay.

Today’s Promise to consider: Having a saying to help us through difficult times is a point of reference, helping to ground us. For years, I have called particular slogans to mind to support me through times of trouble. When I’m feeling confused and lost, my favorite is: Let Go and Let God.

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Jul 17, 2014

MINDFUL SPEECH

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dialogue, Faith, family, Forgiveness, Hope

A dad wrote, I have a sign in my office that says, “I wish my mouth had a pause button.” That sign has been hanging there for years, yet I never applied it to understanding how to ‘pause’ and listen to God. Without that understanding how could I ever hope to, “Let go, Let God?”

My reflection, There are many times I, too, wish my mouth had a pause button. How often do we respond hurriedly and then have regrets? The visual comes to mind of a cartoon figure with the bubble from his mouth where the words are written. I’ve often wished I could erase the words in the bubble or reel them back in.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I’ll be more mindful of my words. Before I respond to someone or weigh in with my opinion, I’ll take time to reflect and reply with compassion. I will pause and listen to my inner counsel, trusting to hear God’s wisdom.

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Jul 10, 2014

CHOOSING LOVE OVER HATE

by libbycataldi under meditation

A mom sent this quote to me, There always remains a choice to be made between the creative power of love and life and the destructive power of hatred and death. I, too, must make that choice myself, again and again. Nobody else, not even God, will make that choice for me.

My reflection: The battle between good and bad, love and hate, is an old one. Dr. MacAfee says it another way, “Hate depletes and desiccates. Love nurtures and is generous.” When Jeff was in active addiction, I struggled with many emotions because of the suffocating pain of addiction. In time, I learned how to compartmentalize my emotions to say, “I will always love my son, but I hate the addiction.”

Today’s Promise: Life is full of dualities and addiction brings them front and center. Only I can choose the creative power of love or the destructive power of hate. Today, I am clear: I hate the addiction – it is destructive and evil. But I will always and forever love my son, even through all his struggles.

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Jul 3, 2014

COURAGE IS FEAR THAT HAS SAID ITS PRAYERS

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, Hope, Jeff, meditation

A mom wrote to me, My recovering son told me he still has a lot of fear, and sometimes it holds him back, even from doing wonderful things in his life like meeting friends, going back to school, applying for a new job or going on a date. I guess this is normal – many of us have fears – but how much harder it must be for a recovering addict.

My reflection: Dr. MacAfee says that addiction is the loss of self and that recovery of self is a transformative process that takes time and perseverance. When Jeff made the decision to live a sober life, I told him, “You have a lot of courage to do this again, Jeff.” He paused and then said quietly, almost to himself, “Courage? That’s a word rarely used with addicts. Yeah, it takes courage.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Recovery offers our loved ones the freedom to rediscover their identity and, in time, their real and authentic personalities emerge. Today, I will recognize the enormity of this fight and the tenacity it takes for them to face and win this battle. For me, I must trust God and work diligently my program of recovery so that fear is replaced with courage.

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Jun 26, 2014

FAMILIES: LEARNING TO LOVE THEMSELVES

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, family, Forgiveness, Hope, meditation

In response to last week’s meditation, a mom wrote to me, I find not only the addicts don’t love themselves, but their family members – especially a spouse or parent – feel the same about themselves. What a vicious disease – robbing both the addict and someone close to him of self-love.

My reflection: Addiction is a family disease that often leaves us feeling guilty, shamed and devoid of self-love. When Jeff was in active addiction, I spent most days tangled within the illness, blaming myself and wondering what I could have done differently. As a mom, I wanted to fix things and drive addiction out of our home, but it doesn’t work that way. I was powerless and my sense of guilt was counterproductive.

Today’s Promise to consider: I can’t blame anyone for my loved one’s addiction because there is no blame. It just is. Today I will take care of myself by doing the things I know promote health and peace. I will pray, rely on my support group and reach out to the people around me who are suffering.

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