Dialogue Archives - Page 6 of 7

Jan 17, 2013

TEACHING EVERYDAY COURAGE

by libbycataldi under Dialogue, family, Gratitude, Hope, meditation

A mom wrote to me: My daughter is in fourth grade and her class was discussing “courage.” The heading of her homework sheet was, “It takes Courage,” and it had several questions about defining/understanding/citing courage. Question D asked, “Describe a time in your own life when you think you showed courage.”

My daughter’s response was “by raising my hand when I think people are going to make fun of me.” Oh, I love this child.

My thoughts: Courage is a skill our children need, especially as they grow older and have to make their own decisions. After reading this mother’s message, I began wondering about Jeff’s early years of drug use. When he was offered drugs for the first time did he not have the courage to say no, was he curious and just said yes, or did he consider his options and make his own decision? I don’t know, but I do know that it took him immense courage to stop using. I also know that it takes immense courage for him to make the daily choice not to use.

Today’s Promise to consider: Life is filled with challenges and my child will need courage to face them. Learning this skill starts at home with encouragement and support. Today, I’ll urge my child to take risks, to raise her hand, to help someone in need or to say no with confidence. The little, everyday courageous acts will strengthen my child’s patterns of behavior. I’ll role model courage in my life.

7 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Aug 9, 2012

SAYING NO CAN BE THE BIGGEST YES

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dialogue, family, Recovery

A mom wrote to me: Saying no could be the biggest “YES” in life….but yet so hard to learn how to say it.

My reaction: There is wisdom in these few words. I struggled with saying no, especially to my sons. “May I take the car?” Yes. “Would you give me a few dollars for gas?” Yes. “Would you, could you, might you….?” Typically I said yes, but ‘yes’ wasn’t always the correct answer. It took Jeff’s addiction for me to learn that often ‘saying no’ can be the ‘biggest yes.’ As Dr. Derbyshire, a psychologist and friend, once told me, “Oftentimes, you are being the best mother when you say no.” This seems obvious, but it wasn’t obvious to me for a long time.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will have the strength to say ‘no’ as well as ‘yes.’ I will keep my boundaries safe and not cave in to pressure or pleas. If I truly believe that the answer should be no, I’ll say it regardless of the reaction that I receive.

9 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Jul 18, 2012

EXPECTATIONS AS RESENTMENTS

by libbycataldi under Dialogue, Forgiveness, Resentments

We can put our loved ones on the carousel, but we can’t expect them to be happy.

A mom wrote to me, Three years ago, when my nightmare began with my daughter’s addiction to heroin, my days were filled with dread and desperation. Looking back, my addict was only half of that chaos. The other half was created by me. I didn’t expect to have a good day, nor did I even think I deserved it. I felt everything was my fault because I was responsible for everything and everyone.

I am now learning to allow others the dignity to make their own decisions and reap the rewards of their actions or suffer the consequences. I am not responsible for everyone, all the time. My experience tells me that when I set expectations for others, I am frequently disappointed. In All My Affairs, I limit the expectations I have of others.

My reaction: The Big Book states, “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” Jeff’s addiction taught me that I couldn’t control his actions, even though I often wanted want to. I can plan, hope and pray that something occurs, but I have no power over anyone else. A hard lesson to learn and a harder one to accept. But my serenity is based on me letting go of expectations.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today I will let go of my expectations for others. I admit my shortcoming in wanting to control people around me, but I must acknowledge that I can’t. I will give others the dignity of making their own decisions, and I will find my serenity in making good choices for myself.

15 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Jun 21, 2012

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE USING STOPS: PART 2

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, Dialogue, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, Hope, meditation

Uncle Jeff and niece Iysa

A mom asks Dr. MacAfee: I understand what you write, “Recovery is always an individual endeavor and also requires a supportive community.” I also know how hard it has been to love my son unconditionally through all the rehabs, failed attempts, restarts, continued use and damage to relationships. My husband and I are trying hard to support his current attempt at recovery. I know the road is very difficult for the addict and my heart breaks for my son, but I also have a broken heart for the rest of us. So much healing is needed. How does healing happen?

Dr. MacAfee responds: We all want healing to be an end game, but it doesn’t happen that way. Healing comes a layer at a time. For some, healing is totally dependent on the sobriety of the addict and this highlights the difference between helping and enabling.

To the mom above, you might say to your child, “I have discovered that there is only room for one of us in your addiction. I have decided to leave you in charge of the consequences of your addiction. Ironically, I find this decision both terrifying and liberating, but also healing. I want you to be whole again and I fear all our help has stood in your way. It’s hard for me to face my getting out of your way, but I realize that it is healing for you, too.”

Today’s Promise to consider: I will stay close, love my child and not abandon him, but I will get out of the way of the chaos of his addiction. My peace will come from knowing that I’ve done everything I could have done. I will endure and pray.

32 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

May 30, 2012

VOICES OF FRIENDS: PART 3

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, Dialogue, family, Hope

Click on image to view video

Cathy Hull from Treatmenttalk.org shared a link COLLISION COURSE: TEEN ADDICTION EPIDEMIC. This video has been nominated for an Emmy Award and posts, “Teen substance abuse is one of America’s top public health problems and can devastate our youth and their families.”

My thoughts: This video signifies the growing awareness of substance abuse and calls for a change in education and public policy to recognize the truth of the escalating problem of drug addiction, especially among teens. Although the film is 26-minutes long and many of you won’t have the time to view it in its entirety (or at all), we celebrate the hope for teens to live a life with addiction.

Today’s Promise to consider: As Dr. MacAfee says, “We need to take addiction out of the shadows and into the light where it can be healed.” This documentary and other efforts are doing just that. Let’s keep this light alive.

2 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Apr 25, 2012

COMMON GROUND OF TRUTH

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dialogue, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Forgiveness

Dr. MacAfee wrote to me: One of the gifts that you and Jeff share is the rare and open dialogue between afflicted and affected. This has been sincerely earned. When people meet on the common ground of truth, difficult though it is, healing happens.

My reaction to the above: The Big Book of AA says that sobriety can be found only through rigorous honesty. This was hard for both Jeff and me. Jeff had to be honest with himself about his addiction, and I had to be honest with myself about the mistakes I made. I also had to find courage not only to talk with Jeff about all that happened, but courage to listen and the compassion to understand.

Today’s Promise to consider: I will have the courage to find the common ground of truth. I will work with those I love to have the tough discussions required to heal. Difficult as it is, I will wade into the rough waters of discord in order to get to the other side where healing and understanding can take place. I will try.

10 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Mar 22, 2012

BE GENTLE

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, Dialogue, Forgiveness, Hope

A mom wrote to me: Sobriety has not been black and white for us – drunk, then sober, trouble, then hugs and kisses. A sober alcoholic may be unemployable, chronically depressed, riddled with rage and fear and suffer from a general lack of sober references that continue to make life unmanageable. Sobriety for us has been about accepting the “new normal” – we lived through our own private Katrina. We will never be who we were twenty years ago. Today we temper our joy with acceptance.

My reaction to the above message: We all have to accept a ‘new normal,’ especially after a long period of active addiction. It took Jeff more than one year to get his vocabulary back. There were times when he’d ‘reach’ for a word and he lament, “It’s like reaching into the fog. The word is there, I know it, but I can’t grasp it.” I remember telling Jeremy, “Your brother lived through a horrendous trauma and it changed him. We’re lucky he’s alive and with us.” In time, Jeff improved significantly, but we had to be gentle with him in the process.

Today’s Promise to consider: Dr MacAfee once told me, “The soul is too private to handle neon light, but listens wonderfully to candlelight.” Or as I believe children learn best, “The mind responds better to a light bulb than a hammer.”

11 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Nov 2, 2011

NOT ALONE

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dialogue, family, Hope, meditation, Recovery

Families in solidarity

A mother wrote to me: Two of my three children are addicted to drugs and my life has been inextricably altered. The relationship between mother and addicted child is unique, but I know that that does not diminish the experiences of other family members. Through group work, I talked with another mother who just found out that her child is addicted. She is panicked, confused, and said that she feels isolated, alone, shamed, scared and angry. I realized that I am not alone.

My thoughts on the above passage: There are four S’s used with addiction: shame, secrets, silence and stigma. We feel as though we are drowning in our own emotions and we don’t know what to do. I kept the secret of my son’s addiction because I felt shame. In silence, the addiction grew. But when I reached out my hand for help, I realized I was not alone.

Today’s Promise: I will join together and bring addiction out of the shadows so it can be healed. My loved one is fighting a powerful force and I will talk with other mothers and fathers and break the silence. In our pain, I will understand; in our stories, I will find hope; in our love, I will continue to believe.

9 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Oct 6, 2011

KEEP COMING BACK

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dialogue, family

A mother wrote to me: I went to my first Nar-Anon meeting last Tuesday and am going back tomorrow evening. Just in the 60+ minutes that I was there, I felt a new sense of freedom and energy this past week. No one understands completely what it’s like to have an addicted loved one except for those who are living that experience themselves.

My reflection on the above passage: This reminds me of the saying, “Don’t judge a man until you walk a mile in his shoes.” In Al-Anon and Nar-Anon, we know the walk of the people in the rooms and we listen without judgment because we’ve been there. Maybe this is true with any trauma. I know that when I had breast cancer I found comfort talking with other people who understood what I was going through.

Today’s Promise to Consider: I will share my feelings, fears and pain with others who have walked in my shoes. I’ll keep coming back to Al-Anon and Nar-Anon.

0 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Aug 18, 2011

DIALOGUE

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, Dialogue, family, meditation, Recovery

The son of a recovering addict wrote: My mom found her sobriety after she had me. She said that she wanted a better life for herself and for me. She told the story of how she tried to walk out of rehab the first night when a big fella named Norman put his hand on her shoulder and turned her around. I remember thinking because Norman was a giant dude that he was able to keep my mom in rehab and that we were lucky for that.

Norman and my mom remained friends. He would come over to the house for coffee and they would talk. Now that I am older I understand that we were lucky, not for Norman’s size, but that he was able to start a dialogue with mom that kept her in rehab and it was constant throughout her recovery. Mom lived the rest of her life continuing that dialogue with other addicts, getting them into rehab and guiding them through recovery, just as Norman did for her.

My reflection on the passage: Jeff says, “Anything that shuts down dialogue is dangerous.” The young man above and I think this is absolutely correct. Honest communication is critical in recovery and in life. The Big Book says that recovery can be found only in rigorous honesty.

Today’s Promise to Consider: Open and honest dialogue is an essential first step is achieving healthy relationships with others and with ourselves. The young man above wrote, “Dialogue is to an addict’s recovery as fire is to man’s survival. Without it I wouldn’t have had a sober mom.”

6 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment