NO VOLUNTEERS IN HEARTBREAK

TM.3 (1)Dr MacAfee told me: Parents need to know that their suffering is legitimate and the result of loving their child. I have heard dismissive and searingly hateful comments thrown at parents that they are victims of their own suffering. The stories of addiction are heart wrenching: murders, fatal overdoses and debilitating consequences. There are no volunteers to these heartbreaks. No one would sign up for these experiences.

My reflection: Nobody welcomes addiction into her home, but it happens. I didn’t volunteer for a 14-year journey of addiction, but the heartbreak deepened as I loved my son while he descended into the world of drugs.

Today’s Promise to consider: There are no volunteers in addiction. There are no volunteers to the heartbreak and suffering that addiction heaps on us. We simply love our addicted child or spouse or parent. When we love another person, we open ourselves to pain, as well as to joy.

FAMILY DISEASE        

TM.12 (2)A husband wrote to me: My wife has relapsed on alcohol after remaining sober for a period of twelve years. I am now the sole custodian of three children. This disease engulfs everyone in its path, including the addict and family. I have witnessed the progression of the disease from the perspective of the loving spouse, as well as through the lens of my children who battle on a daily basis through the scars of their mother’s addiction.

My reflection: Addiction destroys families. It breeds worry, helplessness and hopelessness. What happens to the children when a parent relapses? What happens to the spouse? No mother wants to hurt her children, and this story epitomizes the power of drugs.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction is a family illness and we all suffer. But through it all, I must protect my family. Today, I’ll take this disease out of the dark where it does its dirtiest work. I will open the lines of communication, and I’ll listen without judgment to my children and spouse as they share their feelings. I will provide a safe harbor.

TELL HIM TO STOP, DAMMIT

TM (1)

Jeff, Granddad Cataldi, Grams Cataldi, Jeremy

My dad, who would have been 95 this month, didn’t understand addiction. He once pointed his finger at me and said, “Why don’t you tell him to stop, dammit? We can all see that he’s not right. Listen, daughter, you gotta do something. You gotta tell him to stop.” I just stared back at my dad and thought, “Don’t you think I’ve told him to stop, Dad? Do you think I can’t see that he’s not right? Don’t you think I’ve tried?” I didn’t say these things to my Marine Corps Drill Sergeant father.

My reflection: My father wasn’t an addict and for him addiction was non negotiable, something that shouldn’t exist in our family and a problem that ‘had to go.’ In his mind, I was the parent and I should have able to demand that my son quit using drugs. To Dad, it was black or white, two extremes, and Jeff’s behavior wasn’t acceptable and had to end.

Today’s Promise to consider: Many people think that addiction is a lack of character and a moral weakness and, with enough guts and grit, the person should be able to stop. Stop, dammit. My dad thought that way. I wish I had had the silver bullet or had know those magic words to make the destruction stop. Instead, addiction is a cunning, baffling and insidious disease that requires extreme patience, education, perspective and faith.

 

 

HE IS NOT HIS ADDICTION

Jeff1 (1)An Italian friend, whose brother is struggling with recovery, wrote to me: I wanted to share this poem by Hemingway. During a meeting with my brother and the psychologist of the rehabilitation program, I found myself asking how could addiction happen to us and where is the brother we used to know. I hope that one day we can find the serenity to accept ourselves and to know that he is not only his addiction. He – and we with him – are better than that.

You are not your age,

Nor the size of the clothes you wear,

You are not a weight,

Or the color of your hair.

You are not your name,

Or the dimples in your cheeks,

You are all the books you read,

And all the words you speak,

You are your croaky morning voice,

And the smiles you try to hide,

You are the sweetness in your laughter,

And every tear you’ve cried,

You’re the songs you sing so loudly when you know you’re all alone,

You’re the places you’ve been too,

And the one that you call home,

You’re the things that you believe in,

And the people that you love,

You’re the photos in your bedroom,

And the future you dream of,

You’re made of so much beauty,

But it seems you forgot,

When you decided that you were defined,

By all the things you’re not. 

Today’s Promise to consider: My son is more than his addiction. Yes, it is a part of him as it is a part of us. But he is so much more. He is son and brother; he is kindness and loyalty; he is compassionate and smart; he is the sweetness of his laughter and the dreams he now dreams. He is his own person, who has his own God, his own life and his own loves. He is still the boy with a skip in his step.

ADDICTION DOESN’T DISCRIMINATE

IMG_1353 (2)A high school student, who is not an addict, wrote to me, I always knew drugs were bad and plenty of people have told me that they are, even ex-addicts. Now I realize that addiction can happen to anyone. I used to think, foolishly, that addicts were all people from somewhat messed up backgrounds with sad lives. Obviously, this horrible stereotype is completely inaccurate and your family’s story clearly showed that. I realize that it could be my family or one of my friend’s. It made me realize that we’re not invincible.

My reflection: The young writer above sent me this message after hearing our family’s story. Her generalization that addicts were all people from somewhat messed up backgrounds with sad lives is one that many people still believe. While the medical community categorizes addiction as a disease, others consider it a moral breakdown. Whatever you believe, addiction can grip any family regardless of economic status, social standing or educational level.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction happened in our family when I wasn’t looking. Maybe I didn’t want to see, but in time I had no choice but to acknowledge that the demon of addiction had taken my son. Today, I won’t ask why my son or why my family? Today, I’ll educate myself and open my eyes.

 

 

 

 

SUPPORT GROUPS: I’LL KEEP COMING BACK

Granddaughter Iysa and Nonna

Granddaughter Iysa and Nonna

I attended my first Al-Anon meeting almost 20 years ago and I wrote in my journal: There were twelve people in the basement of a church, and everyone had an alcoholic husband or wife. They talked about taking one day at a time and about how they needed to take care of themselves. What was I doing there? I am a mother and my son is an addict. I didn’t go to the meeting to learn how to take care of myself. I went to learn how to protect him, fix him, and help him. I don’t think I’ll go back.

My reflection: I went to three different meetings before I found my home group, a community of people that would love and support me through the most challenging times of my life. In the halls of Al-Anon, I learned that I was not alone and that others knew my pain. I learned that addiction doesn’t discriminate and that I could trust others to be there for me. I learned that there was wisdom, real wisdom, in taking one day at a time. I’m glad I kept going back.

Today’s Promise to consider: Al-Anon meetings and support groups are filled with parents of addicted children. I was one of those parents who needed help without judgment. I still go to meetings: to help myself and to help others. Community is part of the healing. Today, I’ll reach out my hand. We’re all walking together toward home.

 

 

 

WHAT DRIVES THE ADDICT?

Scan31_0031-1Dr. MacAfee told me: I was leading a group therapy session when I asked a young man, ‘What is your drug of choice?’ The boy thought carefully and responded, ‘more.’ His answer was not an attempt at humor. Instead, the group answered with a consensus of silence and affirmative head nods. No addict ever intends to end up where he’s really going. Substance and the hunger for more drive the addict.

My reflection: Dr. MacAfee’s words helped me to understand that addiction wasn’t about me, my parenting, our family or Jeff’s friends. Some of these issues might have contributed to why he tried drugs in the beginning, but they’re not the reason he became an addict.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I acknowledge that addiction is about the substance. It’s not about me or my family. Once the substance takes over an addict’s life, it’s about the chase for the drug. No one and nothing else matter.

 

 

 

 

ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD

IMG_3783 2A mother wrote to me: My son has a long history of addiction. He got arrested and we hired a lawyer, bailed him out, but he kept using and stealing. He got arrested again and bailed himself out. We knew he was close to dying so we asked the lawyer to have the judge put him back in jail. We told our son that we would not bail him out, that we loved him but would no longer let his addiction destroy the family. All the love in the world was not enough to make him stop. 

My reflection: I, too, tried everything I could think of to make Jeff stop. I wept and told him how much he was hurting the family. I punished him, yelled at him, and refused to get him out of jail, but I also gave him money, paid his bills and included him in family gatherings. I was like a flag twisting in a tornado. Love was never the problem. The problem was his chase for the drug.

Today’s Promise to consider: All the love in the world won’t stop an addiction. Today, I accept that my child’s addiction is not against me: I will not feel betrayed; I will not feel self-blame. I will stay close and pray that my child decides to stop for himself.

 

 

 

VULNERABILITY

Uncle Jeff and niece Iysa

Uncle Jeff and niece Iysa

Jeff wrote to me, Read a great passage about vulnerability and the value in allowing ourselves to expose hurts and fears in the right settings. It basically says that by admitting our insecurities, we create a platform for others to be more honest and open in the conversation. If we can find the courage to be vulnerable, it often awakens deeper intimacy in our relationships.

My reflection: I spent a great deal of my life afraid of being vulnerable. I wanted to act as though I had the answers and no one could hurt me. Then life jumped off the rails. Addiction came into our home and dismantled our family from the inside out. In the end, I was forced to admit my powerlessness, and that’s when I started to heal. It took great courage for our family to share our story, but by our allowing others to see our vulnerability, we hope to provide a safe platform to discuss the pain of addiction.

Today’s Promise to consider: Being vulnerable is uncomfortable for me. I’d rather appear strong and fearless, but I’m only human. Today, I’ll admit my insecurities, talk openly in trusted situations and, by doing so, hope to awaken compassion and healing in my relationships.

A FUTURE BECAUSE OF MY PAST

Son Jeremy and his daughter Iysa

Son Jeremy and his daughter Iysa

A recovering addict wrote to me and he signed his name with this postscript: a survivor with a future because of my past.

My reflection: These words reminded me that addiction is a great teacher. Just as cancer taught me to appreciate every day, addiction taught me to stay close and believe in a future for my family. The most important lessons in my life didn’t come from my degrees, but they came from the challenges and heartbreak of my past.

Today’s Promise to consider: If we choose to learn from our history, we can be wise. The footsteps that are behind us can’t be erased, but we can create new footsteps – the ones we’ll take today and tomorrow.

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