family Archives - Page 19 of 27

Sep 11, 2014

LOVING AND DETACHING

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, family, Hope, Relapse

A mom wrote to me, My son was living at home, staying off drugs, working at a job and working out, but he left today. I told him I loved him with a heavy heart! This was our last time of letting him live with us…now he needs to be the change if he wants it. Love and detach…stay close…..so hard. We offered him treatment. My prayer is that he stays safe. God give me the strength to accept this.

My reflection: Loving and detaching – I struggled with this dichotomy for years. How could I love my son and detach at the same time? But in the end, it was the blending of these two that made the difference in my son’s life. I learned to stay close, but out of the chaos. I answered his calls and texts, but I finally moved out of the way.

Today’s Promise to consider: Dealing with addiction is counterintuitive: I need to stay close and continue to love my addicted child, but I also need to protect myself from the consequences of his choices. Today, I will accept that he needs to make the decision to change his life. I need to accept, surrender and pray for strength, for both of us.

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Sep 4, 2014

NO BLAME

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Faith, family, Hope, Jeff, meditation

Jeff and niece Iysa

A mother wrote to me: My son was a star athlete in high school and at age seventeen began his downward spiral into this insidious disease. I taught in the school district that he attended so it was doubly hard getting calls just about every day from the RN to take him for a drug test. He fell asleep in class or didn’t even show up for school. I blamed myself – his dad and I had separated before this nightmare began so I assumed he took drugs to medicate himself or to use as a band-aid.

My reaction: We parents often blame ourselves for our child’s addiction. When our child is broken and ill, we would rather point to anyone, even ourselves, before we blame our addicted loved one. We feel powerless and assigning fault comes easily in moments of crisis.

Today’s Promise:Many experts say that addiction is an illness. Who is to blame for this illness? I will blame no one. Our family is affected by addiction. I will accept it, find strength in God and my recovering community, and go forward.

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Aug 14, 2014

NEW CAMALDOLI HERMITAGE: SILENCE AS GIFT

by libbycataldi under Faith, family, meditation, Recovery

Jeff and I attended a silent retreat this past weekend at New Camaldoli Hermitage, a monastery in Big Sur, where we lived three days in silence and contemplation. Without cell phone service or Internet I thought I wouldn’t survive, but what I discovered is that by disconnecting from the daily drumbeat of life I allowed myself the space to connect with the sounds of my head and heart. Mother Teresa says that God speaks to us in the silence of our soul.

My reflection: My head is constantly filled with the noise of daily life, whooshing and whizzing through my brain. This is especially true during crises, like when Jeff was sick and addiction had him by the throat. Even in times of stability and health, my mind is a whirlwind. What I learned this weekend is that through silence, I was forced to look inward, where it can be scary and unsettling, to face myself and touch the breath of God within.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I will take a moment to be completely still, to quiet my mind and spend some time in solitude. I will make an opening in my spirit to experience God’s closeness – a closeness that our busy, modern lives so quickly obscure.

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Jul 24, 2014

SLOGANS AND TOUGH TIMES

by libbycataldi under Faith, family, Hope

A mom wrote to me, I know all the slogans of Al-Anon: Easy Does It, One Day at a Time, Keep it Simple, First Things First. These and more are seared into my soul, but they are still hard to put into practice when things get tough.

My reflection: Let Go and Let God continues to be my go-to slogan. When Jeff was in active addiction, I repeated these words like a mantra. I knew I had no control over the addiction, and this slogan helped to keep me focused on getting out of God’s way. Even today, when things go wrong (as life is want to do), this slogan is my mainstay.

Today’s Promise to consider: Having a saying to help us through difficult times is a point of reference, helping to ground us. For years, I have called particular slogans to mind to support me through times of trouble. When I’m feeling confused and lost, my favorite is: Let Go and Let God.

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Jul 17, 2014

MINDFUL SPEECH

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dialogue, Faith, family, Forgiveness, Hope

A dad wrote, I have a sign in my office that says, “I wish my mouth had a pause button.” That sign has been hanging there for years, yet I never applied it to understanding how to ‘pause’ and listen to God. Without that understanding how could I ever hope to, “Let go, Let God?”

My reflection, There are many times I, too, wish my mouth had a pause button. How often do we respond hurriedly and then have regrets? The visual comes to mind of a cartoon figure with the bubble from his mouth where the words are written. I’ve often wished I could erase the words in the bubble or reel them back in.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I’ll be more mindful of my words. Before I respond to someone or weigh in with my opinion, I’ll take time to reflect and reply with compassion. I will pause and listen to my inner counsel, trusting to hear God’s wisdom.

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Jul 3, 2014

COURAGE IS FEAR THAT HAS SAID ITS PRAYERS

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, Hope, Jeff, meditation

A mom wrote to me, My recovering son told me he still has a lot of fear, and sometimes it holds him back, even from doing wonderful things in his life like meeting friends, going back to school, applying for a new job or going on a date. I guess this is normal – many of us have fears – but how much harder it must be for a recovering addict.

My reflection: Dr. MacAfee says that addiction is the loss of self and that recovery of self is a transformative process that takes time and perseverance. When Jeff made the decision to live a sober life, I told him, “You have a lot of courage to do this again, Jeff.” He paused and then said quietly, almost to himself, “Courage? That’s a word rarely used with addicts. Yeah, it takes courage.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Recovery offers our loved ones the freedom to rediscover their identity and, in time, their real and authentic personalities emerge. Today, I will recognize the enormity of this fight and the tenacity it takes for them to face and win this battle. For me, I must trust God and work diligently my program of recovery so that fear is replaced with courage.

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Jun 26, 2014

FAMILIES: LEARNING TO LOVE THEMSELVES

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, family, Forgiveness, Hope, meditation

In response to last week’s meditation, a mom wrote to me, I find not only the addicts don’t love themselves, but their family members – especially a spouse or parent – feel the same about themselves. What a vicious disease – robbing both the addict and someone close to him of self-love.

My reflection: Addiction is a family disease that often leaves us feeling guilty, shamed and devoid of self-love. When Jeff was in active addiction, I spent most days tangled within the illness, blaming myself and wondering what I could have done differently. As a mom, I wanted to fix things and drive addiction out of our home, but it doesn’t work that way. I was powerless and my sense of guilt was counterproductive.

Today’s Promise to consider: I can’t blame anyone for my loved one’s addiction because there is no blame. It just is. Today I will take care of myself by doing the things I know promote health and peace. I will pray, rely on my support group and reach out to the people around me who are suffering.

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Jun 12, 2014

HONORING LIFE IN THE FACE OF DEATH

by libbycataldi under Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Faith, family

Old Man in Sorrow (On the Threshold of Eternity) Vincent Van Gogh, 1890

A mom, who lost her son to addiction, wrote to me, Nothing will ever fill the hole in my heart, but I know there was nothing more I could have done for my son. Today, I honor the grief by acknowledging it and not hiding it. I can’t carry guilt like a cross. I know that today my beloved son is at peace and free of pain. An acupuncturist once told me our bodies remember stress and trauma and, as beautiful as childbirth is, my body obviously remembers bringing my beautiful boy into this world and also remembers the trauma of finding him after he left this world. I honor his life everyday.

My reflection: This mom wrote the above message to me following Dr. MacAfee’s entry about The Terror of Addiction. Her words inspire me as she acknowledges the pain and has the courage to speak out. My love and gratitude to all the parents who extend a hand to help others who suffer the greatest loss of all.

Today’s Promise to consider: When my heart is most broken, I want to go under and hide, but today I will open my arms to my pain and accept that God is shaping the stone of my spirit. I’ll allow myself to be transformed into the grateful dancer God wants me to be.

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May 29, 2014

STAYING IN GRATITUDE

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, family, Gratitude

A mom, who has two addicted sons, wrote to me, Today is my older son’s 8th anniversary of sobriety! He turned his life around at age 20. Unbelievable! So much to be grateful for.

My reflection: The trauma of addiction changed me forever. Even though Jeff has been sober for seven years, I am quick to project into the future, trying to prepare for any potential calamity, whether it has to do with addiction or not. My Dad used to tell, “Don’t build straw men,” meaning that worries are often unfounded, made of straw. The best antidote for my worrying nature is to stay in gratitude.

Today’s Promise to consider: When I begin to feel worry and concern – both real and projected – I need to step back and do an inventory of all the good things in my life. Feeling grateful is the oxygen I need to breathe easier and to better serve my family, community and myself.

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May 22, 2014

THE TERROR OF ADDICTION

by libbycataldi under Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family

Dr. MacAfee told me, In the world of addiction, losing a child is the terror that threatens parents. When death happens, there is never closure. In time, a parent can not think about it, but it’s always there. A mother once told me, “I sleep now because the worse that could happen has happened.” Parents try to live with the pain and go on, but the pain is never alleviated. It never goes away.

My reflection: The above conversation happened because I asked Dr. MacAfee to explain the idea of, “A time to mourn and a time to dance.” I wanted to understand the shift from grief to acceptance, and eventual contentment. As we talked, I realized that even today, after seven years of Jeff living a sober life, I can still feel the knife that cuts through my body when I remember his active addiction years. What must a parent feel who loses a child? The pain is unimaginable.

Today’s Promise to consider: Grief does get better, lighter. In time and with spirituality, the grief subsides. Today, I acknowledge that addiction reigns terror and destruction. If the worst happens to me and my family, I must put one foot in front of the other. I must go on.

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