Jeff Archives - Page 4 of 6

Aug 29, 2013

PLAYING THE TAPE THROUGH

by libbycataldi under Communication, Jeff, Recovery, Relapse

Jeff spoke at a recovery presentation and said, It’s imperative that addicts “play the tape through.” We tend to remember only the good times when using – those times when we were high and having a blast – but we conveniently overlook the fact that the good times usually ended in car crashes, arrests, lost jobs and broken relationships. We need to remember the consequences of our addiction and not just the exciting times in the middle.

My reaction: Addicts tend to overlook the bad times and not play the tape through, but I, too, was guilty of this. When Jeff was sick and faced with the results of his addiction (legal problems, fines, job losses), I wanted to believe that this time was the magic time when my help would make the difference. If I had played the tape through and remembered that my help (usually money) wasn’t the answer, I would have learned sooner to stay close, but out of the chaos.

Today’s Promise to consider: Life is filled with tough decisions, especially when dealing addiction. When I’m faced with them, I’ll play the tape through. I’ll remember the whole story – the good times and also the consequences. The replay button will help me remember where my actions took me in the first place and where they are likely to take me again.

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Aug 22, 2013

GRATITUDE: THE GIFT OF DESPERATION

by libbycataldi under Faith, Gratitude, Jeff, Recovery

Jeff and I were talking about gratitude and he said, Early in my recovery, I was grateful to have had “the gift of desperation” – a state of total surrender and willingness to change at any cost. It happens as a result of hitting rock bottom and realizing true defeat. Most addicts will agree that this is one of the most profound moments in the recovery process.

My reaction: I had never heard of the Gift of Desperation, but it makes sense to me that in the state of desperation we can be most willing to change. When my life was in good shape (or even in moderately good shape), I wasn’t motivated to do anything differently; however, when my life spun into total chaos – when I hit rock bottom and admitted true defeat – I became ready to do whatever was necessary to change my life.

Today’s Promise to consider: The gift of desperation is always waiting for me, but I don’t have to get to this place in order to do something healthy for myself. Today, I will examine my life in an objective way and, if I need to make changes, I will.

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Jun 13, 2013

LIVING COMPASSIONATELY, ETHICALLY AND GENEROUSLY

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Faith, Gratitude, Hope, Jeff

Jeff recently told me: I read a book about Zen Buddhism where the author poses a kind of recipe for living. He says, “Live ethically, compassionately and with generosity.” He further explained, “Don’t do anything that you know is wrong, be kind to the people around you and be generous with what you have.” This simple formula really struck me, as I tend to overcomplicate good advice. I think most of us have the natural ability to discern if we are being ethical, compassionate and generous. Today I make a concerted effort to live my life according to these three principles.

My reflection: There is no perfect method for living life. When Jeff was sick, I felt bombarded with other people’s judgments and advice. Inside all the clutter that was my life, it was up to me to choose how to live and what decisions to make. These three words above provide a framework.

Today’s Promise to consider: Every day I have choices to make as to how I conduct myself. Today, I choose to live ethically, compassionately and generously. I will look at my daily behavior through these three lenses.

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May 15, 2013

THE HEALING GIFT: LISTENING

by libbycataldi under Communication, Dr. Patrick MacAfee, family, Hope, Jeff, Jeremy

Dr. MacAfee quoted Carl Rogers during a recent conversation: When a person realizes he has been deeply heard, his eyes moisten. I think in some real sense he is weeping for joy. It is as though he were saying, “Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it’s like to be me.” (From: Experiences in Communication, Carl Rogers)

My reaction to this quote: When Jeff was in active addiction, I wanted to talk, to share my wisdom because (obviously) I knew what he need to do to find his health. I prayed for the words that would change his life. How I wish I had that kind of wisdom or power. With both Jeff and Jeremy, the best gift I can give them is to be fully present and to listen, really listen, to their pain, their joy and their journey.

Today’s Promise to consider: I don’t have the answers to my sons’ problems, but I can offer them something better. I can listen, really listen, with my entire being. Today, I will stay quiet and be a witness to whatever they want to tell me.

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May 1, 2013

REGRET: THE THRESHOLD TO GRACE

by libbycataldi under Dr. Patrick MacAfee, Gratitude, Jeff, meditation, Resentments

Dr. MacAfee shared with me: During a recent family therapy session, we brought up the topic of regrets. During the sharing, the conversation became heavy, as if the room were sinking into a tunnel of despair.

In an uncharacteristic move, I blurted out, “Woah. Stop. This is going nowhere. I can’t ignore the elephant in the room. Regrets aren’t to make you beat up on yourselves. Regrets are normal, and they show a corner of our health and wellbeing. Regrets are the thresholds to grace. We can learn from these difficult matters without hating ourselves. Regrets, when properly addressed, are the gate to healing. They enhance understanding of ourselves and our place in the world as a loving individual. Sure you wonder, “How could I have done ..X…?” This is a great question, and once addressed and answered properly, can led us to health. These are simply things we would not do again.

Something settled in the room.

My reaction: I always thought regret was unhealthy and felt if I were stronger I would not have them. Dr. MacAfee offers us a way of using regret as a powerful tool to move forward in consciousness.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I will use my regrets to make better choices, to develop a positive sense of wellbeing and to allow love and grace to lead me in every aspect of my life. I won’t live with regret for yesterday, but I will learn from yesterday’s regrets to live a better today.

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Jan 10, 2013

FALLEN LOVED ONES

by libbycataldi under family, Jeff, Jeremy, Stay Close

I buried my mother on December 28. She lived a long and good life, and she was ready. Days later, my friend’s son died from the disease of addiction. Two deaths, but two very different circumstances. When I went to the funeral home to support my friend, we embraced while she wept from a place that ripped open my heart and tore at my soul. She sobbed, saying over and over again, “I didn’t know. Why didn’t I know? Why couldn’t I have done something?”

My tears were the answer. No words to comfort her, no truth that could quench the enormity of her son’s tragic death. It is every parent’s greatest fear that her addicted child could die. The seriousness of drug addiction is often too horrifying to look at. My mother’s death brought grief to my heart, and my friend’s son’s death brought despair to my soul.

Today, I will honor the lives lost to addiction. I won’t sweep them under the rug and I won’t be silent. I will acknowledge the severity of this disease – it is a battle of life and death. My sons and I will continue our fight against addiction. We stand next to the parents and their fallen loved ones. We ask God to ease their pain.

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Dec 5, 2012

STARTING EACH DAY WITH GRATITUDE: PART 3

by libbycataldi under Gratitude, Jeff, Jeremy

Brothers

A mother wrote to me: When I awake every morning and go to sleep every night, I feel God’s presence in my life and the life of my child. He is good today, but I know it’s one day at a time. Dealing with addiction takes courage, humility and gratitude. Courage to stay close and to love our child, humility to remember that the addiction is strong and can come back at any time, especially when we least expect it, and gratitude for the good things that happen in our lives – both big and small.

My thoughts: Courage, humility and gratitude are powerful forces, much more powerful than I realized years ago. When Jeff was using, I prayed each morning, “Dear Lord, thank you for keeping him alive today.” I expressed gratitude for the day ahead of us, trusting that God heard my words. Today, Jeff is good and our family is thankful. Tomorrow he has another choice to make.

Today’s Promise to consider: When the people we love are in active addiction and we’re used to bad things happening in their lives and ours, it’s easy to fall into resentment. But for today, I will make a concerted decision to see the positive, to start my day with thanks and to live the day in a space of gratitude.

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Nov 29, 2012

STARTING EACH DAY WITH GRATITUDE: PART 2

by libbycataldi under family, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Jeff, Jeremy

A mom wrote to me, I just returned from Thanksgiving dinner. The highlight of the day was the conversation between my nephew and my son, both of whom are recovering addicts. They are in such a good place in their lives, looking and feeling human again. I marveled at their strength, courage and honesty. They had us in tears, we laughed so hard. I’ve learned never to lose hope. Heartfelt thanks.

My reaction: Jeff, when he was deep in the throes of his addiction, once told me, “You believe in me more than I believe in myself.” He tells me today that I was right. Someone has to believe because without hope, all is lost. There is a Tibetan expression in which I’ve found strength, “Even if the rope breaks nine times, we must splice it back together a tenth time. Even if ultimately we do fail, at least there will be no feelings of regret.”

Today’s Promise to consider: I will keep believing and hoping, especially during the most difficult times. I will lean on God, reach out a hand to another and remember that it is through difficulty that we grow. I will take time every day for heartfelt thanks.

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Oct 18, 2012

VICTORY: ONE DAY AT A TIME, PART 4

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Hope, Jeff, meditation, Recovery

A mom wrote to Jeff, Very interesting to hear you say that while your life is not perfect and everyday is challenging, you have a peace about it. I get this. While very different, sometimes I cannot believe how I have continued to move forward since my husband passed, how I can be at peace and even generally happy, how I have had to accept that what I thought would be my future with my best friend and the life that I envisioned…will not be. I can only attribute this attitude and “peace” to my spiritual relationship. Jeff, so glad you have found this.

My response: I want to write that I, too, have peace, but I still struggle. I believe that my spiritual core needs strengthened. I need to nurture it, be silent and pray more. As Mother Teresa says, “In the silence of the heart God speaks. It is only when you realize your emptiness that God can fill you with Himself. Souls of prayer are souls of great silence.”

Today’s Promise to consider: I will take ten minutes at the beginning of my day to be still and try to silence the noise in my head. I will open my heart to a feeling of peace. I will make this part of my morning routine.

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Oct 4, 2012

VICTORY: ONE DAY AT A TIME, PART 2

by libbycataldi under Forgiveness, Hope, Jeff, Recovery

A mom wrote to me: So often with addiction we want to wipe the slate clean and start over which, of course, is not possible. Here is a quote I came across and thought you would find it interesting: Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. I like the sound of this! I always found it depressing that a new start didn’t solve the problem so the idea of a brand new ending is comforting to me.

My response: Jeff once wrote, “Addiction has changed my life, made me a different person, and in many respects my life is richer because I was forced to confront myself, or die. My past is my past and I can’t turn it around or change the footsteps that follow me.” He learned that he couldn’t wipe the slate clean, but he could create a brand new ending. And he did.

Today’s Promise to consider: Our histories are ours, and they provide valuable opportunities from which we can learn. Every day offers another start, a fresh chapter or a new page in our life. The challenge isn’t about not getting knocked down, but is learning how to get back up again.

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