libbycataldi, Author at Stay Close Blog

Feb 14, 2013

FORGIVING, PART 2: PERSONAL FREEDOM

by libbycataldi under family, Forgiveness, Hope

A mom wrote: It took lots of years for me to forgive my father for abusing me. It took lots of years for me to forgive myself for not protecting my younger siblings from the abuse. I also had to forgive my mother for not protecting me.

I have found that you can never find serenity within yourself unless you can forgive. Forgiving is the secret to inner peace. I thank God everyday because without prayer and His guidance, I would not have been able to “feel” the overwhelming peace in my soul. That peace is forgiveness.

My reaction: My heart ached as I read this mom’s words. I felt myself welling up with anger and outrage at the heinous abuse by her father and the lack of protection by her mother. I felt deep sadness with her feelings of guilt for being powerless to stop the abuse and save her siblings. Her courage to face the memories and to forgive was critical to her own wellbeing. She has learned to forgive the person without excusing the act. As she writes, “Forgiving is the secret to inner peace.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Forgiving offers us an opportunity to find our personal serenity and freedom. It doesn’t mean we deny the hurt, lessen a person’s responsibility or justify abuse. What is does mean is that we move beyond the pain, despicable as the act might be, in the act of willful love. Today, I will pray for God’s help to move beyond the pain and turn my will toward love. Love will have the last word.

9 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Feb 7, 2013

FORGIVING, PART 1

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Communication, Forgiveness, Recovery

My mother’s death was hard for me and inspired a personal journey of trying to understand death and grief. As a result, I talked with Dominique, a Hospice counselor. We discussed dying, but our conversations about forgiving taught me the most.

Dominique said: In all relationships, no matter how wonderful they are, there is need to forgive. We hurt each other, sometimes when we don’t even know it: It’s part of being human. Forgiving is not about forgetting. The wounds don’t magically heal. Forgiving is to wish well to the person who harmed us, meaning we wish them fullness of heart and a clarity of mind that aspires to wisdom. Forgiving is not an emotional state. It is an act of willful love that ultimately sets us free, for only in loving are we truly free.

My reaction: During Jeff’s addiction, the pain was extraordinary and I felt lots of emotions, including anger. That anger led to deep-held resentments against many people, including Jeff. I thought I could never forgive, but when Jeff entered recovery, honesty broke the back of the resentments between us and we made amends to each other. For the others whom I did not confront, I’m learning to let go and forgive. Sure, I remember what happened, but the fire in my belly is fading.

Today’s Promise to consider: Forgiveness doesn’t mean I forget the hurts and it doesn’t mean that I give the person a ‘pass’ to hurt me again. It’s up to me to enforce my personal boundaries. Forgiveness is an act of willful love. Today I’ll work to let go of the pain and I will pray for the people who played a part in causing them.

19 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Jan 31, 2013

EVERYDAY COURAGE: PART 3

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Faith, Hope

A mom wrote: I was the woman on the couch who cried and felt lost. I walked from room to room without purpose. I felt like a shell. I tried to fix my son over and over again. I don’t give up easily, but my interventions did not work. He got worse the more I tried.

I stopped trying in a bold way. I started to let go and started working on me. I started to accept more and to fret less. I can only change me. My son is getting better little by little. I don’t know if he will ever be the kid I thought I had. But I am healing.

My thoughts: This mom’s words reminded me of my journey. I, too, was the mom on the couch who felt lost. I was also the mom who worked relentlessly, afraid to stop for fear of being on the couch again. I wrote in my journal and prayed for wisdom. In time, I started to let go and reach out for help, especially to those in Al-Anon. I made a conscious decision to stop feeling powerless to change my son and, instead, focused on my power to change me.

Today’s Promise to consider: Courage can be as simple as getting out of bed in the morning or as they say in AA to “suit up and show up” even when our world is falling apart. For me, courage is based on faith. Today, I will pray for the courage to choose to make my health and serenity a priority and to allow my son the space he needs to choose sobriety for himself. Courage truly is fear that has said its prayers.

8 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Jan 24, 2013

TEACHING EVERYDAY COURAGE, PART 2

by libbycataldi under Communication, family, Jeremy, Stay Close

Son Jeremy with daughter Iysa

A dad wrote: This post (about the young girl having courage to raise her hand even though other kids might laugh at her) reminded me that I can continue to improve my own ability to be more confident and courageous. I don’t think it matters if you are 6 or 66 – as the parent of an addicted child, I need all the confidence and courage I can find! Prayers for continued courage to fight the good fight.

My reflection: My initial thoughts about courage were focused only on the child. I wondered if I hadn’t taught Jeff to be courageous when faced with peer pressure or tough choices. In recovery, I praised his courage to fight for himself and his life. This dad’s comments helped me to think about a parent’s courage. Courage doesn’t mean that parents aren’t afraid, but rather that we push through our fears and do our best in spite of them. There is a saying in Al-Anon, “Courage is fear that has said its prayers.”

Today’s Promise to consider: As parents, we have many opportunities to role model for our children everyday courage. We need to show our children how to fight the good fight and to stand up for what is right even when we are standing alone. Today, I’ll stay close. I’ll hold out my hand and ask my child to hold on as he practices courage.

13 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Jan 17, 2013

TEACHING EVERYDAY COURAGE

by libbycataldi under Dialogue, family, Gratitude, Hope, meditation

A mom wrote to me: My daughter is in fourth grade and her class was discussing “courage.” The heading of her homework sheet was, “It takes Courage,” and it had several questions about defining/understanding/citing courage. Question D asked, “Describe a time in your own life when you think you showed courage.”

My daughter’s response was “by raising my hand when I think people are going to make fun of me.” Oh, I love this child.

My thoughts: Courage is a skill our children need, especially as they grow older and have to make their own decisions. After reading this mother’s message, I began wondering about Jeff’s early years of drug use. When he was offered drugs for the first time did he not have the courage to say no, was he curious and just said yes, or did he consider his options and make his own decision? I don’t know, but I do know that it took him immense courage to stop using. I also know that it takes immense courage for him to make the daily choice not to use.

Today’s Promise to consider: Life is filled with challenges and my child will need courage to face them. Learning this skill starts at home with encouragement and support. Today, I’ll urge my child to take risks, to raise her hand, to help someone in need or to say no with confidence. The little, everyday courageous acts will strengthen my child’s patterns of behavior. I’ll role model courage in my life.

7 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Jan 10, 2013

FALLEN LOVED ONES

by libbycataldi under family, Jeff, Jeremy, Stay Close

I buried my mother on December 28. She lived a long and good life, and she was ready. Days later, my friend’s son died from the disease of addiction. Two deaths, but two very different circumstances. When I went to the funeral home to support my friend, we embraced while she wept from a place that ripped open my heart and tore at my soul. She sobbed, saying over and over again, “I didn’t know. Why didn’t I know? Why couldn’t I have done something?”

My tears were the answer. No words to comfort her, no truth that could quench the enormity of her son’s tragic death. It is every parent’s greatest fear that her addicted child could die. The seriousness of drug addiction is often too horrifying to look at. My mother’s death brought grief to my heart, and my friend’s son’s death brought despair to my soul.

Today, I will honor the lives lost to addiction. I won’t sweep them under the rug and I won’t be silent. I will acknowledge the severity of this disease – it is a battle of life and death. My sons and I will continue our fight against addiction. We stand next to the parents and their fallen loved ones. We ask God to ease their pain.

8 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Jan 2, 2013

WISHING YOU A WONDERFUL WORLD IN 2013

by libbycataldi under Acceptance, Hope, meditation

A mom wrote to the Stay Close blog: You make it possible for me to still believe every word of this song. My favorite. May the weeks (and year) ahead be filled with love & peace beyond all understanding.

A reflection on Eva Cassidy, who recorded this version of What A Wonderful World: Eva Cassidy died from cancer on November 2, 1996, at the age of 33 in her family home in Bowie, Maryland. In September 1996, she closed her final performance with this song at the Bayou in front of an audience of friends, fans and family.

Today’s Promise to consider: As we enter into 2013, I’ll remind myself that the world can be wonderful. No matter what we are going through and no matter what trials we are facing, we have each other and we are not alone.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEBBGSgO16M]

8 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Dec 27, 2012

ADDICTION AND THE HOLIDAYS

by libbycataldi under Communication, family, Forgiveness, Hope, Recovery

I wrote this about the Christmas of 2006: My family knows well the Hell of addiction, but we know only our own Hell. Those who love addicts suffer. The addict suffers. No one is immune. In our family, we each handled our grief differently. Jeremy held things inside, caught in that gap between loving his brother and hiding the truth and loving his brother and telling the truth. Tim and I suffered and responded in our own divergent ways. Grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, no one knew what to do. During the Christmas of 2006, when neither son came home for our large Italian family gatherings, my brothers didn’t know what to say. They didn’t even know whether to invite me to the festivities. The cousins were confused; could they ask about Jeff or would it be kinder to leave him out of the conversation?

My reflection: The holidays put the addict on center stage when the accumulated chaos of his or her life, and ours, causes excruciating public pain. It is during these family gatherings of joy that addiction often taunts and mocks us the loudest.

Today’s Promise to consider: During the holidays, addiction can severely isolate us, making us feel ashamed of all the ways our lives are not as joyful as they’re supposed to be. I will avoid this dangerous place by being patient and compassionate with myself and my loved one. I will find my serenity in honesty and prayer. I will not allow addiction to rob us of our peace.

19 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Dec 20, 2012

SANDY HOOK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL: NO WORDS

by libbycataldi under Communication, Siblings

A mom wrote to me: Yesterday was an unimaginable horror. It’s difficult to forget the constant thrumming in the background of the horrific school shooting in Connecticut. How does a parent mourn the killing of his or her child; how does a nation mourn the killing of twenty little children and six adults?

Today I will stop and offer prayers. I will honor, in some way, the twenty baby lives and six adult lives lost. This tremendous suffering is impossible to hold and I find it hard to breathe. There are no words sufficient to wrap my head and heart around the overwhelming grief. There are no words to ease the pain.

4 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

Dec 13, 2012

LAURA MARIA LAGUARDIA CATALDI: MARCH 28, 1921 – DECEMBER 8, 2012

by libbycataldi under family, Forgiveness, Gratitude

Dear Mom,

You’re gone physically, but you’re tucked inside our hearts forever. We will go on just as we should, and just as you would have wanted. You told me, “When I pass, please be happy for me. I can’t continue to live like this. I want to go home.” And home you are.

Thanks, most of all, for showing us how to pray and how to believe. Thanks for never giving up on Jeff, even during his most addicted and traumatic times. You never quit believing that he would find his strength. You bombarded the heavens for his recovery. Thanks for always believing in Jeremy. I know how you loved his big presence, his gentleness and his charisma. You smiled with joy just by hearing his voice. Thanks for supporting me through the writing of Stay Close, when I exposed my family’s problems to the world. You were proud that we were giving back and trying to help others by sharing our story of hope. You were our intercessor, our prayer warrior.

We’ll miss you, Mom, but we will tell the world that there was once a woman of great faith named Laura Maria who taught us by her example to never quit believing, who taught us that there are times when even the strongest find their greatest strength on their knees. As you told Jeff, “It only works if you believe.”

Love you, always and forever,

Your daughter

13 Comments.

View Comments | Leave a Comment

About libbycataldi