ADDICTS: LEARNING TO LOVE THEMSELVES

IMG_3737 2A recovering addict sent me this quote, We could search the whole world over and never find another being more worthy of our love than ourselves.

My reflection: I talked with Jeff about this, and he said, “A lack of self love is typically one of the core issues facing addicts. Especially when we start to get sober, we beat ourselves up for all the pain we caused the people around us. Thankfully, that’s what the program of AA provides – a community that genuinely cares about us when we have a hard time finding that care in ourselves. Ultimately, we come to find that love within ourselves, but it takes time.”

Today’s Promise written by Jeff: Self love seems foreign, insane and impossible to the addict, but I’ve seen with my own eyes countless recovering people make the transition from self loathing to self love. Today I will allow my recovering community to love me when I can’t love myself. I will trust that by staying committed to the program of AA and leaning on my Higher Power that love will begin to take hold in my heart.

MEETING AVERSION WITH COMPASSION

IMG_3792Jeff sent me a passage from a text he’s reading, Aversion is not the enemy; it is just the normal reaction of the mind and body to pain. Whatever the hurt we feel – whether of mind, body or emotion – our biological survival mechanism tries to get rid of it. The problem is that we don’t actually have the ability to escape from all of the painful experiences in life. It can’t be done. The good news is that by greeting those painful moments and feelings with compassion, we decrease our personal suffering and bring about an experience of well being.

My reaction: Facing a situation that is uncomfortable or painful is difficult. This can be as simple as having to clean the house or exercise, where I can think of ten things to do first like checking email or calling someone on the phone before I start. In this way, I avert facing what is unpleasant and substitute distractions that give me pleasure. Aversion can also be complicated and lead to huge trouble like drugs. Jeff tells me that drugs help in the same way, “Instead of facing painful situations, drugs allowed me to deaden my senses and go under.” Some people might use food or shopping, others might use pornography or drugs.

Today’s Promise to consider: When life becomes painful, I can find many ways to avoid or avert it – from the small tasks to the big problems. Today, I will face my problems without anger or disdain. I’ll see clearly the difficulty, call it out by name and face it with compassion for myself and others.

 

 

 

EXCERPTS FROM HENRI NOUWEN, PART 1: CHOICE

Jeff, Jer - Stairs CroppedHenri Nouwen, a Dutch-born Catholic priest and theologian, wrote, There always remains a choice to be made between the creative power of love and life and the destructive power of hatred and death. I, too, must make that choice myself, again and again. Nobody else, not even God, will make that choice for me. (Discernment: Reading the Signs of Daily Life) 

My reflection: When Jeff was in active addiction, I fought against it with every fiber of my being. When ugliness happened (as it often does with addiction), I responded with anger, hurt, resentment and outrage. In time, I learned that, as much as I wanted to, I could not control his addiction. I also learned that fighting ugliness with ugliness was destroying me, too. 

Today’s Promise to consider: Jeff told me, Every day we’re faced with decisions about how to approach the world around us – with grace and positivity or with ugliness and impatience. Life is challenging and so many circumstances are outside our control, but the way we respond is in our hands. Today I will live my life with grace and positivity. I will choose love and life.

TWO PARENTS: ONE STORY, PART 5

1396046_10151983467212640_1412872372_nFinal in the series: Gratitude for the Journey of Addiction 

A mom wrote, My son has been sober for almost two years. We are grateful for this victory, but I am also grateful for the difficult journey. I know this sounds crazy, but I would not have the relationship with my son that I have today if we had not traveled that long and challenging road together. It was not easy. At times, I thought I would fade away.

I am beginning to reclaim my life. And so is my son. It is not easy. For me, it means confronting a lot of grief, but I know I must go through this to be whole again.

Our son began his freshman year of college in August. So far so good. He is proclaiming his recovery in a mighty way. I know that the bumps may come, and I struggle with this; however, I am learning to let him live his own life.

A mom wrote, I remember the first time I was able to say honestly in an Al-Anon meeting that I was grateful for my son’s addiction, and I still today believe it with my whole heart. Although at times I am tempted to wish the dreams I had for my son (in this order: college, good job, marriage, children) had happened, I know that I wouldn’t trade the young man he is today for any “normal” 23 year old, who followed the “expected” path.

Today’s Promise to Consider: Thank you to all who share their stories of hope and strength. We join hands to bring addiction out of the darkness and into the light. We’ll keep reaching out to help another. We’ll stay in gratitude.

ENABLING: PART 3

Jeff, Jeremy and iysa with Dad/Granddad

Jeff, Jeremy and iysa with Dad/Granddad

A dad wrote to me, Fixing a child’s problems very seldom if ever works. Life is not really different from addiction. If a child never suffers consequences he/she never learns how to make better decisions. If we remove the consequence, we encourage the negative behavior because there is no negative effect to their action.

My response: This dad’s words ring true in a clear and direct way. He expands the idea of enabling out of addiction and into life. I think he’s correct. We all learn from the natural consequences of our actions.

Today’s Promise to consider: Helping a child grow into a mature adult requires him to face the logical and natural results of his actions. Whether I am dealing with an addiction or not, I will love my child and stay close emotionally. I will support his good choices and allow him to confront the consequences of the negative experiences.

 

 

 

REGRET: THE THRESHOLD TO GRACE

IMG_0387Dr. MacAfee shared with me: During a recent family therapy session, we brought up the topic of regrets. During the sharing, the conversation became heavy, as if the room were sinking into a tunnel of despair.

In an uncharacteristic move, I blurted out, “Woah. Stop. This is going nowhere. I can’t ignore the elephant in the room. Regrets aren’t to make you beat up on yourselves. Regrets are normal, and they show a corner of our health and wellbeing. Regrets are the thresholds to grace. We can learn from these difficult matters without hating ourselves. Regrets, when properly addressed, are the gate to healing. They enhance understanding of ourselves and our place in the world as a loving individual. Sure you wonder, “How could I have done ..X…?” This is a great question, and once addressed and answered properly, can led us to health. These are simply things we would not do again. 

Something settled in the room.

My reaction: I always thought regret was unhealthy and felt if I were stronger I would not have them. Dr. MacAfee offers us a way of using regret as a powerful tool to move forward in consciousness.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I will use my regrets to make better choices, to develop a positive sense of wellbeing and to allow love and grace to lead me in every aspect of my life. I won’t live with regret for yesterday, but I will learn from yesterday’s regrets to live a better today.

 

 

HAPPINESS: HARD WORK OF THE SOUL

DSC03142 2

Son Jeremy and granddaughter Iysa

A mom wrote, For years, I lived in my head and froze my body as if I could keep away the pain of my son’s addiction. But now I dance. It is one way I deal with my emotions, but only one way. Whatever strategies you need, use them. Meditating helps train my mind, and dancing is helping to train my body and soul. Through all of this, I’ve learned that we have a choice to be compassionate, not angry towards the addict and ourselves, a choice to be happy. I still have to work hard at not being afraid and not being sad. But hard work of the soul is maybe why we are here. 

My reaction: I, too, remember years of trying to deal with the trauma of Jeff’s addiction by running and swimming miles, trying to relieve the pain. Like the childhood book Max and the Wild Things, dance allows us to stomp and rage against addiction and then to spin and raise our hands in joy and happiness. My personal journey toward happiness began when I reached out my hand for help. Al-Anon was there, and it still is.

Today’s Promise to consider: Locking ourselves away in pain and hurt doesn’t help our loved ones or us. When dealing with addiction, it can feel impossible to be happy, but today I’ll do the work necessary, the hard work of the soul. I’ll dance and meditate. I’ll run. I’ll pray, attend Al-Anon meetings and talk with a therapist. We owe it to our loved ones and ourselves to find our way toward happiness.

FORGIVING: NEEDS REPEATING OVER AND OVER AGAIN, PART 3

IMG_1009Dominique, my hospice counselor, said: When there has been harm done between two people, the choice to love takes on the face of forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a permanent state. Why? Because the decision to love is not permanent. You cannot say to someone, “I chose to love you last year,” as though it were sufficient. The person would rightly respond, “Well, what about today!?” Love is always in the here and now. Forgiveness, therefore, must be repeated. My choice to forgive does not immediately heal the wounds. 

My reaction: When we’re hurt by someone, we often need to forgive them many times for the same thing. The cuts are deep and our pains do not disappear after a single decision to forgive. I used to believe that once I made the choice to forgive, the fire in my belly would extinguish, but this is not the case. Forgiveness is ongoing.

Today’s Promise to consider: Today, I willing come to the table of forgiveness. I choose to forgive someone who has hurt me, and I will continue to choose over and over, every time I feel the pain arise. I will be patient with myself. As Jeff reminds me, “Time heals all wounds, but time takes time.”

 

 

TEACHING EVERYDAY COURAGE

Katie MA mom wrote to me: My daughter is in fourth grade and her class was discussing “courage.” The heading of her homework sheet was, “It takes Courage,” and it had several questions about defining/understanding/citing courage. Question D asked, “Describe a time in your own life when you think you showed courage.”

My daughter’s response was “by raising my hand when I think people are going to make fun of me.” Oh, I love this child.

My thoughts: Courage is a skill our children need, especially as they grow older and have to make their own decisions. After reading this mother’s message, I began wondering about Jeff’s early years of drug use. When he was offered drugs for the first time did he not have the courage to say no, was he curious and just said yes, or did he consider his options and make his own decision? I don’t know, but I do know that it took him immense courage to stop using. I also know that it takes immense courage for him to make the daily choice not to use.

Today’s Promise to consider: Life is filled with challenges and my child will need courage to face them. Learning this skill starts at home with encouragement and support. Today, I’ll urge my child to take risks, to raise her hand, to help someone in need or to say no with confidence. The little, everyday courageous acts will strengthen my child’s patterns of behavior. I’ll role model courage in my life.

WISHING YOU A WONDERFUL WORLD IN 2013

A mom wrote to the Stay Close blog: You make it possible for me to still believe every word of this song. My favorite. May the weeks (and year) ahead be filled with love & peace beyond all understanding.

A reflection on Eva Cassidy, who recorded this version of What A Wonderful World: Eva Cassidy died from cancer on November 2, 1996, at the age of 33 in her family home in Bowie, Maryland. In September 1996, she closed her final performance with this song at the Bayou in front of an audience of friends, fans and family.

Today’s Promise to consider: As we enter into 2013, I’ll remind myself that the world can be wonderful. No matter what we are going through and no matter what trials we are facing, we have each other and we are not alone.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEBBGSgO16M]
Go to Top