WORDS OF SUPPORT FROM A RECOVERING ADDICT

IMG_0222A recovering addict wrote to a friend, who had relapsed, I’m sorry you fell off the wagon. Get back in. Stop drinking and go to a meeting. Don’t show up drunk. You have to nip this in the bud because it will get worse. Go to 90 meetings in 90 days. I guarantee you that you’ll be in a much better state of mind. Ask someone to be your sponsor, someone who has time and who seems like they’re living the life you want. You’ll be surprised by how many friends you make in a short amount of time, the type of friends that will really be there for you when you need their help.

My reflection: There is help available to those suffering from addiction. AA isn’t the answer for everyone, but it is a program that has worked for millions of people. The 12 steps provide scaffolding for a way of living within a base of spirituality, and the AA community provides support from people who have walked the walk.

Today’s Promise to consider: I thought I could guide my son along his path to recovery, but no matter how hard I tried or how much I learned, I realized that I couldn’t be his ‘go to’ person. He found the help he needed from people who knew firsthand his suffering.

I TRIED EVERYTHING HUMANLY POSSIBLE

jeff_TMA mom wrote to me: I tried everything humanly possible to save my son. And then I let go. I have so much love and gratitude for the peace I am now experiencing. I have no illusions for tomorrow. I went to three funerals of young people in ten days.

My reflection: I, too, tried everything humanly possible to stop my son’s addiction. I paid to get him out of trouble, forced him into recovery, and tracked him down whenever he couldn’t be found. After fourteen years of trying to control my son’s addiction, I surrendered with love.

Today’s Promise to consider: It was only after acknowledging that I did everything in my power to stop Jeff’s addiction, was I able to let go. It was sobering, but crucial for me to realize that no matter how much of myself I poured into his illness, the choice to stop was his alone. When I surrendered with love, I felt peace.

 

I’M IN CONTROL OF JUST ONE PERSON: MYSELF

TM.3A dad wrote to me: I got so tired of the lies and the constant drama that our family was brought into. We parents care so much for our children that it’s really difficult to watch them self-destruct. I’m getting much better at realizing that I am in control of just one person: myself. I think prayer is the only answer.

My reflection: It’s incredibly difficult to admit that we can’t control the behavior of our addicted loved ones. It was unfathomable to me that Jeff wouldn’t listen, even when I threatened dire consequences. My dad’s words rang in my ears, “Tell him to stop, daughter. Dammit. Tell him to stop.”

Today’s Promise to consider: Once at an Al-Anon meeting, the speaker held a hula-hoop over her head and then dropped it around her and onto the floor. She pointed to her feet and the space inside the hoop, “I can control only what’s inside this hoop.” It was a simple visual that resonated deeply with me. My son had his own hoop. I had mine. There’s only room for one in an addiction.

PERHAPS I’VE BEEN THE ONE FIGHTING HIS BATTLES

TM.3680A friend, whose husband is an alcoholic, wrote to me: Your final straw with Jeff is poignant. I remember your fight with breast cancer and what a struggle that was. To tell Jeff that it was his turn to fight, well that’s what I expect my husband to do. He’s better than someone who just lets life mow him over. Perhaps I’ve been the one fighting his battles. Every time he gets himself into a bad situation he has left it up to me to fix. Since I’m fairly resourceful, I’ve been fixing many of the problems he has created. But he needs to pick up his weaponry and fight, for himself not me.

My reflection: My friend had courage to write to me about her husband. It takes courage to share the stories of the underbelly of our relationships, the stuff we don’t put on Facebook. I responded to her, What worked for Jeff? When I got out of the way. When I surrendered and told him, ‘If you don’t get help, you’re going to die. When I had breast cancer, I could have died. I had to fight. Fight, son, fight. 

Today’s Promise to consider: For many years I fought my son’s battles with addiction. When he got into trouble, I rushed in to fix things. That’s what moms do, right? The problem was that I denied my son the opportunity to learn from the consequences of his addiction. The more I stepped in, the bigger the buffer became between his behavior and its repercussions. We each have to fight our battles. In the end, my son fought his. And he continues to fight every day.

 

 

WHAT IS IMPORTANT IN THE LONG RUN?

TM.FullSizeRender (2)A mom wrote to me: He doesn’t call for weeks. Then calls and says his cell phone was stolen from his car that he left unlocked while he went into a convenience store for a second. The next week he lost his dog, saying he left the window open, the dog got frightened, hopped out the window and ran away. Stories don’t jive. But I just listen. Dog is found. Wait for the next crisis. What is important in the long run I ask myself? Don’t criticize, just listen. Don’t give advice. He’s 41. Just stay close.

My reflection: With addiction, there is always drama and chaos. During the years that Jeff was using, I felt as if I were walking on floorboards that weren’t nailed down. As I walked, I was never sure when a board would come loose and hit me in the back of my head.

Today’s Promise to consider: The addict chases the drug and we chase the addict. Addiction throws us into a state of constant apprehension and worry as we wait for the next traumatic event. It is a depleting, debilitating cycle. What is important in the long run? I agree with this mother who wrote, “Don’t criticize, just listen. Don’t give advice. Just stay close.” I had to learn how to stay close, but out of the chaos of my son’s addiction.

THE SCARS REMAIN

jeff_italy_09The daughter of addicted parents wrote to me: I am the grown daughter of two addicts and know first-hand how truly cunning and powerful this disease is. It is a family illness and one with far-reaching and long-lasting implications. Even when the wounds have healed, the scars remain. 

My reflection: Addiction affects all of us who love addicts. How does a child of addicted parents make sense of the volatility, the selfishness, the continual crises and trauma? It takes courage. Courage to face the truth about the parents we love. Courage to fight our way out of the chaos. Courage to learn to live with the knowledge of what happened.

Today’s Promise to consider: Addiction leaves scars. Like every battle, deep wounds remain. Today, I will find the courage to learn from the addiction and all the trauma that my family and I suffered. I will protect myself, grow stronger and reach out my hand to help others.

DON’T BE IN A RUSH: RECOVERY TAKES TIME

Uncle Jeff and Niece Iysa making s’mores

An Italian friend sent me a poem written by the Uruguayan poet, Mario Benedetti. A young man in recovery told her that he had to hurry to finish the program, to find a job and a house. She shared this poem with him as a way of saying that recovery takes time: time to start to live again, time to reestablish connections with family and society, time to change old habits and to start new ones. Recovery is the time to learn how to live in abstinence.

How do I let you know?

How do I let you know that there is always time?…

That no one sets rules, but life …

That wounds heal …

That it never hurts to be thankful …

That nobody wants to be alone …

That to receive we must also know how to ask …

That one feels with the body and mind …

That it costs to be sensitive and not get hurt …

That it would be better to build bridges

That on them we reach the other side and also come back …

How do I let you know that no one set rules, but life? 

Today’s Promise to consider: For both the persons in recovery and their families, recovery takes time. Wounds heal, but the process takes time. New memories are made, but they take time. We may all be in a rush to start a new life together, but time can heal, and time takes time.

 

“ADDICTS LOOK DEATH IN THE EYE”

IMG_2927.TMDr. MacAfee told me, When addicts start to live a sober life, they recoup their lives. During their addiction, they looked death in the eye. This changes them. Through recovery, they break out of their isolation and learn to serve. 

My reflection: I’ve talked with many recovering addicts and they tell me that service is a key part of maintaining sobriety. They are well aware of the people they hurt and the damage they caused. In recovery, they have a strong desire to give back, to reconnect with family and their communities, and to contribute to the world around them.

Today’s Promise to consider: We have much to learn from people in recovery. They have suffered, have been marginalized and have been loathed by society. As Dr. MacAfee says, “They have looked death in the eye.” Today, I will open my heart and listen to the wisdom of those in recovery.

TAKING OUR HANDS OFF THE CONTROLS

IMG_0170.TM (1)In the 1950s, a few highly trained pilots in the US Air Force were set a life-or-death task to fly at altitudes higher than ever before attempted. Going beyond the earth’s denser atmosphere, a plane could skid into a flat spin … and then start tumbling. The first pilots responded by frantically trying to stabilize their planes. The more ferociously they manipulated their controls, the wilder the ride became. They plunged to their deaths. Until Chuck Yeager inadvertently struck upon the solution. When his plane began tumbling, he was thrown violently around the cockpit and knocked out. Unconscious, he plummeted toward earth. When the plane reentered the planet’s denser atmosphere, Yeager came to, steadied the craft and landed safely.  

(Paraphrased from Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach, Ph.D., pgs. 49-50.) 

My reflection: When Jeff was in active addiction, the last thing I wanted to do was take my hands off the controls. When I was growing up, my dad used to say, “You gotta make something happen.” In the face of addiction, I tried desperately to make something happen and save my son. Helpless and distraught, fourteen years later I learned to let go and let God.

Today’s Promise to consider: When facing active addiction, it is often necessary to take our hands off the controls. We can stay close and love our son or daughter – that never changes, but he or she needs to make the decision to change. Today, I’ll pause and admit that I’m not at the helm of my child’s sobriety.

 

 

CAN WE FORCE SOBRIETY?

jeff_TM (1)

Photo Credit: Mikele Roselli-Cecconi

A recovering addict told me, You know, you can’t force sobriety on anybody. Cause Mum tried everything. She gave me money, didn’t give me money, made me go to rehab, didn’t make me go to rehab, drove down four or five hours to pick me up, and on the other hand left me somewhere. Nothing worked. No matter how many rehabs I’ve done or how many counselors or meetings I went to, I never got it, until one day I was just sick of it and had enough. 

My reflection: Over the years, I tried countless ways to force sobriety on Jeff. I threatened him that if he didn’t go to rehab I would never give him another cent or allow him to come home again. One time, I told him that I would cut him out of my will. I cried, yelled and bargained. I would have sold my soul if that would have made the difference.

Today’s Promise to consider: We can try to force our loved ones into sobriety, and it might work for some. For my son, it never did. I learned that it didn’t matter if the treatment center had a swimming pool, horseback riding or massages. I learned that my son had to be ready to change, and that happened when the pain of his using became too much for him to bear. I thank God every day that he came back home to himself and us.

 

Go to Top